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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Emerald Eyesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: eggshells
    ASL Info:    27/M/VA
    Elite Ratio:    3.24 - 23/54/57
    Words: 95
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 72
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 676



    Description:
       Ummmm, Idk, bored, kind of...
    I left where I stopped and started again so you could see it kind of dropped from interesting to dissapointing... maybe thats kind of cool, yea, I like that.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEmerald Eyesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your emerald eyes go great with the red,
    Stained to the bed.
    Your fingers clenched similar to teeth,
    Around a strange set of keys.
    Your diary found opened and raped,
    Nobody bothered to have your words taped.
    Your body laid broken,
    Remembering what he had spoken.
    Your mind lay quite messy indeed,
    Following where the pellets lead.
    -------------------------------------
    The footsteps enter a door,
    filled with magic and lore.
    I never really knew,
    what was eating up inside of you.
    Ti'll I entered your closet room,
    and found that my love had sealed your doom.




    Submitted on 2008-11-15 02:00:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow, the last part made the whole piece look really different. Great addition; it makes it a little clearer. To me reading it, it sounded like there was a girl, and she comitted suicide because of a mishap in her love life..."Remembering what he had spoken./ Your mind lay quite messy indeed"
    The only part I didn't quite get was the fourth line, when you say "Your fingers are clenched similar to teeth/ around a strange set of keys" However, nice revision, it makes you think and keep up the good work!
    dancer
    | Posted on 2009-01-27 00:00:00 | by dancer-of-words | [ Reply to This ]
      VERY INTERESTING....it makes you think about what happened...a girl was raped, no, it's a spy story, wait...more like they were shot and are dying. The last line was surprising compared to the rest of the poem. I am looking forward to the finished version, keep working on it.
    | Posted on 2008-11-15 00:00:00 | by dancer-of-words | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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