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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the melody is deadeneddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sunsetserenity
    ASL Info:    21/f
    Elite Ratio:    6.49 - 23/17/12
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 466
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 626



    Description:
       Once innocense is taken away, it can never be obtained again.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe melody is deadeneddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Not many people die with the melody,
    the beautiful, angelic melody,
    of innocence
    still inside.

    The Virgin's song has lowered her voice
    down to a delicate whisper,
    so breath-taking,
    so soft,

    She glows as it is being played.


    But suddenly the melody is deadened
    by so many piercing screams,
    as the brilliant,
    soft colors

    Of her flowing, silk gown bleed to the ground.
    and she is left abandoned,
    standing naked,
    weeping

    As the meadow grows silent once more.




    Submitted on 2008-11-16 09:58:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      This definitely has a feel of innocence lost. A mistake perhaps that marred the once perfect life- Taking all the beautiful colors of light and shaking them up until they become just one dark color. That's the feeling I got while reading this. It can be taken in two ways- No longer being a virgin, or no longer being the YOU that you once were (for whatever reason). Or it could be both. I like how you personify "The Virgin" throughout this write.
    Nice work!
    | Posted on 2008-11-17 00:00:00 | by TamarRoze | [ Reply to This ]
      I REALLY DID LIKE THE WORDS TO THIS POEM, BUT I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE STRUCTURE. I AM NOT SURE IF THE THE COMMAS WERE PAUSES OR DECORATIONS. THE CONCEPT , THE IDEAS, THE IMAGERY WAS ALL THERE. WHAT I LOVED BEST ABOUT THIS WAS THE MESSAGE. IT IS THE JOB OF POETs AND WRITERS TO HAVE SOME TYPE OF MESSAGE AND YOURS WAS CERTAINLY STRONG AND I LOVED IT!!!!

    great write,
    llcollins
    | Posted on 2008-11-17 00:00:00 | by L.L.COLLINS | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a great concept for a write. The execution on the other hand is not up to par. Please do not take this as me say it is terrible. It really isn't bad. I just think it could be a whole lot better.

    The greatest strength is that it has a clear opening idea, it progress, and it ends. What I mean is that you start by stating your idea. Not many of us hold on to innocence. You then describe innocence. You then move to the dying process. Finally ending with its death. That I really like. I am sorry I cannot give you anything to improve the piece, I can only tell you what did work and that it can be improved.
    | Posted on 2008-11-17 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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