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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Figure(A.k.a WHen THe Storm comes) Editted!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LanndonJames
    ASL Info:    17/FEMALE/Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    1.98 - 6/6/5
    Words: 370
    Class/Type: Story/Death
    Total Views: 974
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2098



    Description:
       Good enough for now, I'll post a final soon.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Figure(A.k.a WHen THe Storm comes) Editted!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    (I Boom! Bam! Thump!)

    Lana Nightstrife shivered as she jumped from the lighting and thunder of the storm, but the thump frightened her worse because it didn’t come from outside. Lana pulled her light blue blanket closer, tighter, around her small shaken frame.
    She thought about going down the stairs knowing her legal guardian, her brother, was out at a party. She stood straightening her PJ pants out.
    She walked barefooted down the wooden stairs. When she reached the last step she looked around the corner, she gasped inward, right as she looked a black hooded figure scuirred around the corner.
    Her orange colored eyes had just adjusted to the darkness. She followed quietly but, quickly. She also flew around the same corner leaving a trail of a black pony tail following.
    Her heart was thumping so loud, Lana was sure the hooded figure could hear it. She snaked around another corner, almost hitting a lamp, she caught a glimpse of a metal scythe. She stopped for just a moment as her face was flushed from anxiety. She thought in that moment, making her mind up she took off after the figure.
    She forward as the kitchen’s light bled through the swinging door. Can’t be in there… She thought heading towards the study. That’s where she found the hooded figure. She looked directly him as he heard her. She saw his face, or rather, skull. He had a head of a skeleton. She let out a loud scream.
    She grabbed the closest thing to her, a cord phone which hung on the wall, and threw it at the figure, but he had disappeared right before it hit the air he was standing in.
    She turned quickly, as a figure in black jumped at her.
    “BOO!” It screamed Lana let out a terrified scream; her hand flew to her chest as she saw who it was. She looked at the mask than the face behind the mask.
    “Alexis,” She said breathing. “What are you doing here?!” She asked scared.
    "It’s Halloween, come on you look as if you’ve seen a ghost.” She said giggling as she pulled Lana out of her house.






    Submitted on 2008-11-17 23:51:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      A funny turn of events. You are a very good story-teller, I must say. There is a lot of suspense in this piece, and it is well-detailed. However, there are quite a lot of things I would change for the sake of understanding. There are a few grammatical errors as well as some sentances that need rephrasing.

    For example, "She walked barefooted" in the 2nd paragraph should be "She walked barefoot" because that in itself is an adverb. Also, "she gasped inward" doesn't make sense. Perhaps "she inwardly gasped". I think you mean "at a black..." and "scurried".

    In paragraph 3, "also" and "same" - as well as "trail" and "following" - are far too many words of the same meaning. I suggest you remove "also" and "following".

    I think you should add "and" before "she caught a glimpse of..." in paragraph 4. Put a full stop after "moment" and move the comma to after "up". "She - ? - forward...". Did you mean "She looked directly at him"? You should say "air he had been standing in". Full stop after "screamed".

    Those are the errors that most stand out. I could give you advice on phrasing, but I think I'll have spoken enough for now. Keep in mind that these are all just suggestions, it's up to you whether you want to use them or not.

    It really was a good piece. It made me smile.

    - A.I.M
    | Posted on 2008-11-18 00:00:00 | by AIM | [ Reply to This ]


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