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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the Last day To see Light(name can and will changedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LanndonJames
    ASL Info:    17/FEMALE/Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    1.98 - 6/6/5
    Words: 1311
    Class/Type: Story/Depressed
    Total Views: 1283
    Average Vote:    4.6667
    Bytes: 6981



    Description:
       Eh..I guess this is a random story I started writing and I liked it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe Last day To see Light(name can and will changedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The room was dark lit, on single bed with straps hanging down neatly, slept a girl with black curly hair who looked like she shouldn’t be here but out in the real world. She turned in her sleep acouple times mumbling about.
    In a split second she was thrashing apon the bed screaming loudly hoping someone would hear her and make her wake up from this terrible nightmare. The night-shift nurse rushed in trying to get her to calm down. She left again and came back with the doctors, they forced a pill down her thoat as she had sweat almost pouring from her forehead. Her eyes still shut she laid back down the nurse wiping her head and leaving.
    The sun blinded her when she woke. It was early in the morning and time for breakfast. She got up and walked over to the safe dresser and found some clothes. A pair of jeans and a black tee-shirt. She threw them on quickly as the nurse came in with a rubber brush and brushed her hair for her. She then led her out of the room and down to the cafeteria. She sat not wanting to eat, when two others came and sat by her eating their slop, that she thought was to be oatmeal. She stayed quiet as they conversed back and forth. They got on the topic about last night and hearing violent screams coming from her room.
    “Emily, did you hear the screams?” The girl with blond hair asked taking a spoonful of slop into her mouth and swallowing like it was normal to eat it.
    “No..” The girl, Emily, replied staring at the table hushed.
    “They were loud though.” The blond pushed. She took a drink of the water and set down the rubber cup.
    Emily just shrugged, she focused on one spot for a while and got lost in her thoughts.
    (I The school's hallway was almost empty when she went into the bathroom; that was empty thankfully. She walked into a stall shutting it and locking it behind her.
    She removed her backpack and pulled out a long, shiny object and pulled up the black sleeve.
    A couple minutes later she was half dazed and half out of it as she heard a scream and running.
    Then she woke up in the hospital for the first time. Her wrist was bandaged and the room had nothing in it besides the bed.)
    She was snapped out of her thoughts when the blond pulled slightly on her elbow.
    “Come on, group is starting.” She said leaving the tray of slop on the table as she dragged Emily towards the room they had ‘Group’. She walked in nervous and took a seat. She thought they were late, and were going to be scolded for it, before a boy with brown tostled hair, walked in loudly. He took the seat across from her grinning widely. He wore a blue long sleeve that hung tightly to his form.
    “Thank you for coming to Group” The doctor said clapping, and smiling at the different teenagers.
    “Not like we have a choice..” The boy across from her muttered barely louder then a whisper and smiled at her. She looked away when the Doctor asked who wanted to go first and volunteered someone instead.
    “Emily, why don’t you go.” She said looking at Emily with, what she thought, was disgust. Emily held onto her wrist as she trembled. “Go ahead dear.” She said.
    “Come on, we don’t have all damn day, you bitch hurry up.” A male, he was overweight and angry. The teacher marked down a writing on the clipboard she held in her lap, as she glared at the boy.
    Emily nodded softly as she felt her eyes burning with tears. She stood clutching her wrist. “Uh..I-I’m Emily. And..” She paused wiping her nose. “I don’t want to talk.” She said the tears falling down her cheeks as she sat back down hiding her face.
    “Jaysin, why don’t you go?” The doctor asked talking to the boy across from Emily, who was staring at the overweight kid angrily.
    “Okay.” He said standing, “My feelings…My Feelings are that I hate what fucking fat asses say to girls when all they like to do is look at their asses.” He said snarling in the direction of the over weighted teen.
    The boy let out a warning growl as Jaysin sat back down clamping his hands together.


    ******

    Jaysin couldn’t believe that the fat-ass would say that to the girl, who looked like she was on the brink of destruction. He said those words just to get back at him for doing wrong to the beautiful girl across from him, named Emily.
    The doctor called on different people, totally ignoring the fact that Emily was clawing at her wrist trying to be sneaky. This Mental house was full of crazies just, he didn’t believe that someone who looked as perfect as her could end up here.
    After the bell rang to end group they all stood. After this was sharing time, when you shared why you ended up here to someone you didn’t know. Jaysin hurried and walked over to Emily who was still crying terribly. He looked at her sympathetically. “Are you okay?” He asked quietly, on his knee’s in front of her. She nodded. He wanted so bad to hear her voice again that he had to be her partner.
    “Are you sure? Please, would you like to share with me.” He said awkwardly. He wasn’t use to saying Please or thank you to people.
    “Y-yes please.” She said in a child like voice. He looked at her closely.
    “Don’t listen to what Fat-ass over there says, he just wants to be you. I bet he really wants to be a girl.” He added in smiling kindly, but she didn’t smile back, but looked at him. “Want me to go first?” No answer so he went on. “Well I think it was two years ago, yeah two, when I was admitted here. Because I went crazy I tried to kill my sister and her son. But I Didn’t know what I was doing because it wasn’t me. It was my other me.” He said quietly into her ear. “So she called the police after I tried to cut up her son, and I came here because they can’t handle me.” He smiled.
    “Why do you smile when you’re so sad?” She asked in the child voice again. He looked at her shocked.
    “Because it’s all I can do right.” He said. “Now it’s your turn.” He said pushing a lock of black hair from her face.
    “I cut myself. At school. And someone found me.” Was all she said on her part. Her green eyes stared at the ground. He tilted his head.
    “Okay.” He said as they stared at each other in silence for alittle while before she was called to the sessions with her person doctor. He stood and went to the doctor and asked her what was wrong with Emily, why was she here. She handed him a copy of a piece of paper with many disorders on it. He read every single one and noticed at the top it said her name.
    Anxiety disorder, compounded by servere claustrophobia, suicidal, Disassociate identity disorder, and schizophrenia.
    He looked up at the doctor sadly as she nodded. He gave her the paper back and left the room.
    ******





    Submitted on 2008-11-21 23:28:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      I believe you have a compelling story.It has a goot start,And a good follow through.Now I Shall nitpick.Grammar is essential to a good story.Work on that ok?

    ~Joel
    | Posted on 2008-11-28 00:00:00 | by JoelWhite11 | [ Reply to This ]
      lets see...hmm you need more dani in it. I kid I kid.
    But I looooooooooove it keep it up! *throws confetti*
    | Posted on 2008-11-24 00:00:00 | by AdyinFaye | [ Reply to This ]
      There's lots and lots of grammar mistakes par example:
    "on a single bed" (on)
    "curly" (one 'l')
    "a couple" (space)
    "thrashing upon the bed" ('h' and not apon)
    "wake her up" (not "make her wake")
    "breakfast" (no the)
    "tee-shirt"
    "bathroom; that was..." (semi-colon)
    "long, shiny object" (move comma)
    "wrist was bandaged" (was)
    "dragged" (not drug)
    "in nervously" ('ly')

    I gave up after this because it would take too long.

    But putting that aside and judging the actual story:
    I wasn't too sure where she was at the beginning (boarding school maybe)
    You need to put in some more dialogue like when she's in hospital for the first time, the nurse doesnt explain anything they just go straight to 'group'.
    And when the fat guy calls her a [censored] the doctor should give out to him.

    As for the good points:
    I liked the way she held her wrist when she spoke it was realistic and that she scratched it habitually.
    I also liked when you shifted into the boy's mind instead of emily's it was a nice take on the story.
    | Posted on 2008-11-23 00:00:00 | by ChildInTime | [ Reply to This ]


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