Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the unknown has played tricks on medots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sunsetserenity
    ASL Info:    21/f
    Elite Ratio:    6.49 - 23/17/12
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 618
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 709



    Description:
       Again.. I'm stuck on the loss of innocence. As a virgin crosses over to the unknown because she is drawn by the beauty of it...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe unknown has played tricks on medots
    -------------------------------------------


    You're the reason that I'm thinking
    I've left the who I was before.
    And I don't mind the missing
    If you're still around when it shows.

    If you've faded, all I can tell
    Is the change honored the pain,
    The moment I played make believe
    With who I pretended not to see.

    Maybe if I hadn't imagined,
    I'd still be in the bed I lay before.
    I'd still be pale by comparison,
    And I'd still wish for the unknown.

    The unknown has hunted me
    And tricked my attention.
    Now the unknown is my companion.
    (Since I finally introduced myself.)




    Submitted on 2008-11-22 05:07:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I've glanced at a couple of your poems and I am loathe to comment, because I would feel a sense of intrusion. If, for example, this poem is about your own loss of virginity, then I don't want to go there.
    Certain things I feel are more suitable for a diary than for a poem. If you do commit personal feelings to poetry, it can have a very cathartic effect and can help you during the act of creation, but I feel that such poems should then be tied up with a ribbon and left in the attic to go yellow with age.

    If you take yourself seriously as a poet, I would really recommend that you try your hand at an objective theme and concentrate on the techniques and poetics of poetry without being distracted by the immediacy of your feelings. A good poem based on an emotional stimulus should have the emotion well digested.
    | Posted on 2008-12-29 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this, the rhyming was very nice, but I think some comma's would help out, I caught some of the pauses during my first read through, but I am sure there should have been more. (and this is personal preference.) Just between some of your lines.

    The way this piece flowed was very challenging, you made it work beautifully.

    The last line almost goes astray, I dont know but maybe look for some rework in that area?

    Anyways thanks for the post, it looks great.
    | Posted on 2008-11-22 00:00:00 | by intodesi | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    168216

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Incubus written by monad
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Giving written by jjd
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Bond written by saartha
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry