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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the unknown has played tricks on medots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sunsetserenity
    ASL Info:    21/f
    Elite Ratio:    6.49 - 23/17/12
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 553
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 709



    Description:
       Again.. I'm stuck on the loss of innocence. As a virgin crosses over to the unknown because she is drawn by the beauty of it...


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    dotsthe unknown has played tricks on medots
    -------------------------------------------


    You're the reason that I'm thinking
    I've left the who I was before.
    And I don't mind the missing
    If you're still around when it shows.

    If you've faded, all I can tell
    Is the change honored the pain,
    The moment I played make believe
    With who I pretended not to see.

    Maybe if I hadn't imagined,
    I'd still be in the bed I lay before.
    I'd still be pale by comparison,
    And I'd still wish for the unknown.

    The unknown has hunted me
    And tricked my attention.
    Now the unknown is my companion.
    (Since I finally introduced myself.)




    Submitted on 2008-11-22 05:07:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I've glanced at a couple of your poems and I am loathe to comment, because I would feel a sense of intrusion. If, for example, this poem is about your own loss of virginity, then I don't want to go there.
    Certain things I feel are more suitable for a diary than for a poem. If you do commit personal feelings to poetry, it can have a very cathartic effect and can help you during the act of creation, but I feel that such poems should then be tied up with a ribbon and left in the attic to go yellow with age.

    If you take yourself seriously as a poet, I would really recommend that you try your hand at an objective theme and concentrate on the techniques and poetics of poetry without being distracted by the immediacy of your feelings. A good poem based on an emotional stimulus should have the emotion well digested.
    | Posted on 2008-12-29 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this, the rhyming was very nice, but I think some comma's would help out, I caught some of the pauses during my first read through, but I am sure there should have been more. (and this is personal preference.) Just between some of your lines.

    The way this piece flowed was very challenging, you made it work beautifully.

    The last line almost goes astray, I dont know but maybe look for some rework in that area?

    Anyways thanks for the post, it looks great.
    | Posted on 2008-11-22 00:00:00 | by intodesi | [ Reply to This ]


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