[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: the unknown has played tricks on medots

    Author: sunsetserenity
    ASL Info:    21/f
    Elite Ratio:    6.49 - 23/17/12
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 580
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 709

       Again.. I'm stuck on the loss of innocence. As a virgin crosses over to the unknown because she is drawn by the beauty of it...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe unknown has played tricks on medots

    You're the reason that I'm thinking
    I've left the who I was before.
    And I don't mind the missing
    If you're still around when it shows.

    If you've faded, all I can tell
    Is the change honored the pain,
    The moment I played make believe
    With who I pretended not to see.

    Maybe if I hadn't imagined,
    I'd still be in the bed I lay before.
    I'd still be pale by comparison,
    And I'd still wish for the unknown.

    The unknown has hunted me
    And tricked my attention.
    Now the unknown is my companion.
    (Since I finally introduced myself.)

    Submitted on 2008-11-22 05:07:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I've glanced at a couple of your poems and I am loathe to comment, because I would feel a sense of intrusion. If, for example, this poem is about your own loss of virginity, then I don't want to go there.
    Certain things I feel are more suitable for a diary than for a poem. If you do commit personal feelings to poetry, it can have a very cathartic effect and can help you during the act of creation, but I feel that such poems should then be tied up with a ribbon and left in the attic to go yellow with age.

    If you take yourself seriously as a poet, I would really recommend that you try your hand at an objective theme and concentrate on the techniques and poetics of poetry without being distracted by the immediacy of your feelings. A good poem based on an emotional stimulus should have the emotion well digested.
    | Posted on 2008-12-29 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this, the rhyming was very nice, but I think some comma's would help out, I caught some of the pauses during my first read through, but I am sure there should have been more. (and this is personal preference.) Just between some of your lines.

    The way this piece flowed was very challenging, you made it work beautifully.

    The last line almost goes astray, I dont know but maybe look for some rework in that area?

    Anyways thanks for the post, it looks great.
    | Posted on 2008-11-22 00:00:00 | by intodesi | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Push written by JanePlane
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Linger written by saartha
    Summer written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    AI written by poetotoe
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Bond written by saartha
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    You do, I Do written by poetotoe
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Fasade written by jackz
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]