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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Light Headeddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Giddy
    ASL Info:    17/ Male/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    4.21 - 7/5/5
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 954
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 454



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLight Headeddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Laying stunned and static, I feel the periodic
    jerking of my trunk and head from side to side.
    A magnetic field around my iron core of a body
    shaking me up, down, round and round, with small
    sudden impulsive jerks following a cyclical pattern.
    Diminuendo breath, ritardando heart,
    mechanisms of the body are put on hold.
    A euphoric nausea hits me and
    my supremacy over the physical is lost.




    Submitted on 2008-11-23 07:47:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like, I like. I thought the best part of the poem started with 'Dimuendo breath' and continued until the end. Partly this is because the language you used was very original and striking. However, I think that it also comes from the rhythm being a bit more structured, and using a more standard meter.

    For the first half, you use about 13-16 syllables per line. This is too many, I think. I would suggest aiming for either iambic tetrameter (8 syllables per line) or pentameter (10 syllables per line). Within that framework, you can usually get away with using one beat too many, or one beat too few. Once you introduce that structure, I think the poem will be even better.

    I really do like it- adding it to the old favourites list!
    | Posted on 2008-12-03 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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