[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Light Headeddots

    Author: Giddy
    ASL Info:    17/ Male/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    4.21 - 7/5/5
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 954
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 454


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLight Headeddots

    Laying stunned and static, I feel the periodic
    jerking of my trunk and head from side to side.
    A magnetic field around my iron core of a body
    shaking me up, down, round and round, with small
    sudden impulsive jerks following a cyclical pattern.
    Diminuendo breath, ritardando heart,
    mechanisms of the body are put on hold.
    A euphoric nausea hits me and
    my supremacy over the physical is lost.

    Submitted on 2008-11-23 07:47:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like, I like. I thought the best part of the poem started with 'Dimuendo breath' and continued until the end. Partly this is because the language you used was very original and striking. However, I think that it also comes from the rhythm being a bit more structured, and using a more standard meter.

    For the first half, you use about 13-16 syllables per line. This is too many, I think. I would suggest aiming for either iambic tetrameter (8 syllables per line) or pentameter (10 syllables per line). Within that framework, you can usually get away with using one beat too many, or one beat too few. Once you introduce that structure, I think the poem will be even better.

    I really do like it- adding it to the old favourites list!
    | Posted on 2008-12-03 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]