Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Colddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: keestu
    ASL Info:    32/male/Sydney
    Elite Ratio:    5.61 - 153/95/116
    Words: 156
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 456
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 844



    Description:
       Thinking of a dream that I saw on 23-Nov-08 8:45pm IST.

    A woman that I wanted… walked away from her as I had fallen but stopped by myself to fall from a dream similar to her. She looked the same but perfect.
    My heart cried and love froze into the darkness that prevails in me.
    Goals money all that is what I see and I live to die one day without my woman to ever prevail ---- Maya

    (I do not know the name of the woman I saw but she is the one and nature said to me no. She was looking at me with some anger in her eyes. I do not know whether that woman felt that I looked ugly because I had seen those cold eyes before. A woman’s eyes really hurt. Especially when I can feel that they don’t want me but my eyes cry for her.)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsColddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Dreams do they come true,
    an eye that said it again.
    But I cried for her as she would walk away,
    a lie that I say to myself.

    The anger that she sought,
    ask myself as the ugly one.
    A thought that prevails in me,
    Maya will you be with one.

    Thy self not exist for her,
    but a dream shall exist in me.
    Those eyes, the love, that melts,
    in me shall I forever see?

    Why? do I ask in this lonely crowd,
    I see but not believe.
    My godess as I think and die,
    a rose that burns to conceive.

    Walked away left everything behind,
    a body that heard none to the heart.
    Cold as I felt I have become,
    a dream that can never be sought.

    Maya - a dream that can never true.




    Submitted on 2008-11-23 15:57:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I'm afraid I can't give you much constructive criticism. This is pretty abstract for my concrete mind. I don't know if it was intended to be that way or if it's a result of English not being your native language.

    I noted in your description, that you called this person you longed for "women." That is incorrect. A single female human is called a WOMAN. More than one female human is called WOMEN.

    Good luck in your English language learning - and keep writing. mae
    | Posted on 2008-12-18 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    168269

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry