A deep piece of passion. Little secret: I love passion poetry. Some might say the rhyme restricted you, but (lucky you) I'm also a fan of rhyme and this is a very laid-back rhyming piece. Like you don't care whether or not it rhymes. I like the subtle reference in stanza 3, but I think capitalising "never" ruins the stream. You could put it in italics, though.
The closing verse really caught me by surprise though, because I don't think it related to anything in the piece. Unless you are referring to losing your virginity (that may hurt) I don't think it fits in, because the ups and downs of a relationship don't really "hurt".
This poem I found to be very unique. It rhymed in some of the lines, but yet they weren't the common rhymes you would find. (mad-sad, hate-mate) You know the same type every poetic normally uses.
This poem reminded me a lot of my relationship with my fiancé. He is the most wonderful man alive. I love him so very much, but yet there are times he can be so...let me find the word...mean? Not necessarily mean, but hurtful. That would be more like it.
But he is all I know and all that works for me. There is nothing else that will work for me. He can send shivers down my spine just by looking at me. He can do anything he wants to me. Control me, in fact. But, even though he could, he doesn't.
I really connected to this write. It was very clear in what you were trying to say. I feel this is original and perhaps you felt very strong when you wrote this piece.
There is one part that is distracting at the end. I try not to only give compliments so here is my one revision. The last paragraph/stanza, whichever you prefer to call it, distracted the rest of the piece. I think it would sound much better if you take out the because.
"We're good together
And its all that works
No matter how much it hurts.."
It sounds much clearer. Either way it will sound good. Revised or not. Keep writing. You've got talent blooming.
Submission Name: Love Affair
