Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Unfading, Invading, Degradingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Texan_Poet
    ASL Info:    20/F/daydreaming
    Elite Ratio:    5.7 - 127/123/48
    Words: 168
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Betrayal
    Total Views: 610
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1183



    Description:
       I was tricked by a guy named Jake, and he broke my heart, big time. He told me not to tell anyone, so they wouldnt give ME a hard time, but when (idk how, i didnt tell anyone) word go out about me and him talking, he went balistic and said it was all a bunch of lies. He hurt me, a lot. I almost never trust anyone, but I did him. I refuse to let anyone see how much, but he hurt me more than i will ever admit.
    EDIT
    I did a little editing, and i hope it makes a little more sense, and despite how it looks, i didnt actually TRY to rhyme it. If you can believe it, i didnt realize it did until i finished and reread it. hahaha, i guess lifes just weird like that sometimes. Anyway, i just went to the submit page and wrote this there, which is soemthing i do a lot to get the emotions to a point that they arent overwhelming me. anyway, hope you like it, and i got rid of the swearing. Sorry if you didnt like it or it offended you.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnfading, Invading, Degradingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Unfading,
    Invading,
    Degrading my name,
    My head hangs in shame,
    Bleeding inside from the endless pain.

    Things can't be the same,
    I'm learning to hate your name,
    To hate your stupid game.

    I thought that you cared,
    Thought you would protect me when I was scared,
    But all you wanted was what I could do,
    Not me, but I didn't have a clue.

    Crying inside,
    I won't show the pain,
    Won't play your twisted game.

    Keep a smile on my face,
    Despite my disgrace,
    Walk with my head high,
    Hate shining from my eyes,

    How long will it be till the pain dies?
    Why can't I just forget?
    Why did you say 'I love you'?
    Why did you pretend?
    Why did i believe?

    Degrading,
    Unfading,
    Invading my heart.
    My head hangs in shame,
    Dying inside from the endless pain.

    Invading,
    Degrading,
    Unfading hate, or is it love?
    My head hangs in shame,
    Broken inside from the endless, silent, pain.




    Submitted on 2008-11-24 16:22:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I couldn't help reading Blue Torcher's comment. Although I agree it took me a while to get the beat, the rhyming thing isn't an issue if you yourself feels it fits into a tune, because this isn't a poem, it's lyrics.

    As for the piece, I think you've got a great chorus. Swearing doesn't really convey anger in the way you think it would, though. Some of the wording is a bit cliché. Actually, a lot of the wording was cliché. But when in pain, I have found, creativity is the last thing you want, because (no matter how much we refuse to admit it) we're looking for sympathy.

    I know how hard it is to trust people, and how much it hurts when someone betrays that trust, but you will with time learn to trust anew. And you never know, maybe, just maybe, it will be worth it.

    - A.I.M
    | Posted on 2008-11-25 00:00:00 | by AIM | [ Reply to This ]
      Mmmh, One thing you have expressed through this is how you feel. So Congrats youve achieved conveying your personal feeling to the world...


    Okay well this is critique right, your forcing all your rhyming in this piece.When you do ryhme it shoudnt feel as if your reading Dr.Suess( as this does) instead that youve cleverly taken words and strung them togther to make a symphony. Now I have this problem myself sometimes so I understand that its not easy to get away from..But freewriting this would do a world of Good.


    You said that you wanted an overall assesment well....as a whole it needs a lot of work personaly.But I believe you can do it.


    Thanks for the read
    -Torcher

    If you revised this I would happily reread it
    | Posted on 2008-11-25 00:00:00 | by BlueTorcher | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    168293

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry