Description: I was tricked by a guy named Jake, and he broke my heart, big time. He told me not to tell anyone, so they wouldnt give ME a hard time, but when (idk how, i didnt tell anyone) word go out about me and him talking, he went balistic and said it was all a bunch of lies. He hurt me, a lot. I almost never trust anyone, but I did him. I refuse to let anyone see how much, but he hurt me more than i will ever admit.
I did a little editing, and i hope it makes a little more sense, and despite how it looks, i didnt actually TRY to rhyme it. If you can believe it, i didnt realize it did until i finished and reread it. hahaha, i guess lifes just weird like that sometimes. Anyway, i just went to the submit page and wrote this there, which is soemthing i do a lot to get the emotions to a point that they arent overwhelming me. anyway, hope you like it, and i got rid of the swearing. Sorry if you didnt like it or it offended you.
I couldn't help reading Blue Torcher's comment. Although I agree it took me a while to get the beat, the rhyming thing isn't an issue if you yourself feels it fits into a tune, because this isn't a poem, it's lyrics.
As for the piece, I think you've got a great chorus. Swearing doesn't really convey anger in the way you think it would, though. Some of the wording is a bit cliché. Actually, a lot of the wording was cliché. But when in pain, I have found, creativity is the last thing you want, because (no matter how much we refuse to admit it) we're looking for sympathy.
I know how hard it is to trust people, and how much it hurts when someone betrays that trust, but you will with time learn to trust anew. And you never know, maybe, just maybe, it will be worth it.
Mmmh, One thing you have expressed through this is how you feel. So Congrats youve achieved conveying your personal feeling to the world...
Okay well this is critique right, your forcing all your rhyming in this piece.When you do ryhme it shoudnt feel as if your reading Dr.Suess( as this does) instead that youve cleverly taken words and strung them togther to make a symphony. Now I have this problem myself sometimes so I understand that its not easy to get away from..But freewriting this would do a world of Good.
You said that you wanted an overall assesment well....as a whole it needs a lot of work personaly.But I believe you can do it.