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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: rudundantdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cha
    Elite Ratio:    2.3 - 37/28/31
    Words: 69
    Class/Type: Poetry/Being a Teen
    Total Views: 1099
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 404



    Description:
       grrrgle


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsrudundantdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I wake up,
    I never sleep

    I fill my lungs,
    I never breathe

    I move my lips,
    I never speak

    Broken pipes that never leak

    I open eyes,
    I cannot see

    I spire thoughts
    I cannot teach

    I drip in eighths,
    I cannot listen

    Tortured souls that cannot glisten




    Submitted on 2008-11-24 16:32:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      it's actually "redundant" sis.
    I like this idea but i'm not entirely sure...

    I wake up,
    I never sleep (this is good)

    I fill my lungs,
    I never breathe (this is good)

    I move my lips,
    I never speak (this is good)

    Broken pipes that never leak (this seems out of place and unnecessary)

    I open eyes,
    I cannot see (this is good)

    I spire thoughts
    I cannot teach
    (did you mean "inspire"? if so, maybe if you did something like:
    Inspired thoughts
    I never think
    it would fit better with the rest)

    I drip in eighths,
    I cannot listen (I'm not sure I understand this part?)

    Tortured souls that cannot glisten (again this line seems out of place when taken with the rest, I do think you need to have something to wrap the whole thing in a bow, so to speak, but I don't know that this works.)


    I think you have something here, just needs a little love.
    I do like this idea a lot.

    | Posted on 2009-05-12 00:00:00 | by solow | [ Reply to This ]


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