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I stand at the brink
Between land and sea.
The breath of the world whispering
All between me
While the waves constantly reach
To tease and caress my feet,
And the warm golden glare
Of Nature's eye is felt all over.
I am suspended,
In a perfect storm
Of earth, air and sea;
The death curls
And floods my heart.
I am both comforted and amazed,
For no matter how much
Or how far I leave Her for
My own interests,
She is always unquestionably welcoming me
| I like, I like. I'm not sure whether you refer to your biological mother or mother nature, but the message is the same regardless; simplicity and security that maternal influence brings. It's a concise and elegantly put message- less is more, as they say.|
In terms of critique, I would say that your use of punctuation is a bit haphazard- there is NO mid-line punctuation at all (even when it seems obvious to use it). You do use enjambment well, but I feel you could get a bit more out of the poem if you allowed it to stop when it should, rather than when the meter says it should.
Also, I don't quite get your line-structure: how do you decide when to break one line and move to the next? some lines have one syllable, and at least one has 12 syllables. I can understand irregular meter, but there doesn't seem to be any obvious pattern to what you've done here.
I look forward to hearing more from you, both in terms of this poem and the future.
|| Posted on 2008-11-26 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ] || Negatives first:|
As far as I know you can't say between me unless you say me and something else.
It should be "All around me" or any word like that. You can'thave something between only one thing.
As for positives, all exaggeration aside, this is one of the best poems I have seen on ES. I know my account isn't very old but I really liked the images you used they were much better than your standard 'how to write a poem' images that you see all too often.
I also liked how short and kind of urgent the 2nd stanza was, it changed the tone well after 1st stanza.
|| Posted on 2008-11-25 00:00:00 | by ChildInTime | [ Reply to This ] || It is amazing, isn't it? You surround yourself with buildings, people in suits, machinery, assignments(?), and then after so long you go to the beach and you wonder what had kept you away for so long. As a pisces I've always loved the water, so I can especially relate to this piece.|
As a nitpick, I think the "Or" in stanza 1 is too explanatory, I think if you left it out, the image would appear more beautiful.
Hail Mother Nature,
|| Posted on 2008-11-25 00:00:00 | by AIM | [ Reply to This ] |