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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: pig tails and rail waysdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: hidden lady
    ASL Info:    28/female/nebraska
    Elite Ratio:    4.47 - 116/118/30
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 477
    Average Vote:    3.5000
    Bytes: 585



    Description:
       new to you, tell me what you think. be brutal!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotspig tails and rail waysdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A tender age of seven,
    the railroad tracks
    retreat from me.
    An innocent memory,
    the last of
    a short lived childhood.
    At eight I turned 12,
    my little brother,
    my life.
    At ten I turned 15,
    my older brothers
    absence felt bitterly
    At fifteen I turned 20,
    busing tables full time

    Now aged and filled with thoughts,
    the tracks still retreat from me
    becoming memories and stories
    lost after time.
    I'm still seven and those tracks my home.




    Submitted on 2008-11-28 17:23:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Yes, I would tend to agree with the previous comments.

    I think this piece showed a lot of potential, but dissapoints the reader by being too short.

    My advice would be to elaborate on the main points and to go into more detail. You have a good idea here.

    I thought the opening 6 lines were pretty good (I think this should be one verse) and the final verse very good, but I think "the middle bit" (the age section) needs much more detail. I really think this would make an excellent long poem.

    I would suggest you write an extended version and submit it. If you do, drop me a line to let me know, as I would like to read a longer version of this.

    Cheers,
    Alex
    | Posted on 2008-12-02 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like the idea here, but I think you could have done a lot more with it, especially in terms of images. The extended metaphor here is that of a railroad track , which im assuming to mean the passage of life, and you're not on the train that you should be, skipping stops, going from 8 to 12 immediately. I'm still a bit confused by it, it might just be me.
    | Posted on 2008-11-30 00:00:00 | by TheStillSilence | [ Reply to This ]


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