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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Puppet (ft. AeThe Lost Poet)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TheStillSilence
    ASL Info:    20/F/Out in Outer Space
    Elite Ratio:    5.1 - 180/107/54
    Words: 205
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 837
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1514



    Description:
       Another colab w/ AeThe Lost Poet. I really enjoyed working on this!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPuppet (ft. AeThe Lost Poet)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    (AeThe Lost Poet)
    He decides to set aside,
    his own proposition
    thinking "why?"—
    she'd rather opt to miss him,
    there's no optimism—nope—
    just a heartbeat
    thump, thump his heart jumps,
    asking "are WE?"
    "We? Yes, we..." exactly,
    what you think it is
    He lists reasons why this season,
    He should get a kiss,
    Bliss escape him, yup,
    Love makes him a puppet,
    His mouth stumbles yet again,
    Use his foot to stuff it...

    and never shall the strings
    be removed--
    yes, his heart's bound up,
    and it brings reproof,
    and never shall this boy,
    be the same
    when his heart is strung up
    it brings him pain

    (Me)
    Unlike the last times,
    She feels it's true.
    The laughter of his eyes,
    Brings back a new
    Sense of herself
    She had thought was gone;
    And it's love
    She can feel it,
    And it doesn't feel wrong.

    (If the strings cut deep
    The heart will bleed.
    To what extent does the pain
    Outweigh the need?)


    Her wings are clipped;
    But she doesn't oppose-
    And her heart is strung;
    But she doesn't repose-
    A caged bird in ashes:
    Her soot heart sings.
    The puppet breaks

    From and by the strings.





    Submitted on 2008-11-28 22:13:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      A whole lot of wordplay going on plus just the use of words that make the poem come alive as i read it aloud. opt to miss him, optomism, etc.

    That being said, I wasn't really sure of the cadence/flow but that's almost impossible to convey in one of these pieces.

    It made me feel like a younger version of myself because the whole idea of being a puppet struck a painful chord.
    It reminds me of the band "Why?" the albums Alopecia and Elephant Eyelash in particular.

    I'm really digging the disparity between the two writers, first piece i've read on here that does that.

    I feel like it could be improved if maybe you took a second look at your first portion, the second and third bits are stellar in comparison.

    maybe throw in a reference to pinnochio, the blue fairy or something? I'm not sure exactly what I feel like is missing but it's nothing major by any means.

    Good write, I really liked it.
    | Posted on 2008-12-14 00:00:00 | by The Wolverine | [ Reply to This ]


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