Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

times in anguished thoughts

Author: Katrinagolden
ASL Info:    27/F/chicago
Elite Ratio:    7.22 - 228 /213 /53
Words: 238
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1368
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1453


a comment would be appreciated....

times in anguished thoughts

There are times when I just want to leave our love behind
And store it as a beautiful memory
Occasions when the need to be alone are strong
And this new horizon opens up to me.

Would life be different, I wonder?
What will happen to me without you?
So many questions bombard my mind.
I feel like a complete fool.

Sometimes so full of life,
Others hollowed, a complete void.
Eyes that blink but never look.
Ears that listen but never hear.
Am I living a life of ignorance?

Who was I before you?
Who am I now with you?

You have been a faithful guide,
Leading me down this path,
But as I take a look behind,
I wonder, what did I miss?

My love for you is so strong.
I would do anything for you.
But am I losing me to be with you?

Anguished thoughts go away,
I do not want to think these thoughts again.
Running through my mind, night after night.
Go away, my choice was made.

I’ll follow the path with my faithful guide,
Whatever the risks, whatever the costs.
If I am in ignorance, well then let it be.
I love too much to grieve the life I might have left behind.

Anguished thoughts, I bury you today.
No more will you haunt my hollow mind.

Submitted on 2008-11-30 05:14:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  I liked the flow and feeling put into this piece. The reader can feel the desperation and pleading without trying too hard and pushing them away.

"My love for you is so strong.
I would do anything for you.
But am I losing me to be with you?"

That part, to me, really could have closed the poem strongly, adding the last two lines behind it would seal in the greatness of it. Not saying you should go and do anything to it, I enjoyed it the way it was. Since you asked, my simple opinion is just the last two portions (not including the last two lines) seems not forced, more like, out of place. It seems like you stopped at the:

My love for you is so strong.
I would do anything for you.
But am I losing me to be with you?

at one time, then later decided you wanted to finish it or add more, so the next two verses were put in.

All in all, I liked it regardless. Thank you for posting it, I'm glad I stopped by. Take care.

| Posted on 2010-02-05 00:00:00 | by Nicholas Lala | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?