Description: I'm feeling oddly optmistic lately, but in a very critical way. and its not from tripping up the stairs this morning. i attribute it to my this wierd schedule im on and the fact it will not chang for awhile. i used to write half way decent poetry, i was good at condensing emotion back when my head was more into spending the time in "expressing myself" or whatever it was teenaged girls feel they need to do because no one understands them. anyhow, i at first thought id continue beyond th three stanzas but i was happy with it all and took a close attention to a very weak attempt at subtle rhyming. i like rhyming pieces that seem natural. i doubt it came through.
hint: the way i pronounce forward is like the norway water roughte things, fjords. um /fuh-ord/ and lured is somewhat like /luh-ord/. i could just not mention these things but i liked the way it sounded aloud.
please, give me flames.
oh ive just came back after a lil while's consideration. there is no actual rhyme scheme, just an imaginary one to appease myself. if it did have one, anyone, no matter speech pattern, lisp, pronouciation, or whatever, would be able to notice.
some one told me i speak wierd. probably so. i even pronounce my own hometown wrong and cant say the words physics correctly unless i concentrate intensely.
I’m under some strange disease,
My tongue contaminated by
An unknown potion.
My heart’s thudding,
Stirring up unneeded commotion
And weakening my knees.
My lips are silently mouthing,
The pair practicing cautiously
With unheard syllables.
The glass sits half empty
But distracted by the simplest parable-
Its nearly overflowing.
Soft with sigh and a reaching hand,
Enamored with hallucinations
I stretch my fingers forward.
Parched and thoughtful,
I am once again lured
And tasting the contraband
I don't think the rhyme feels forced. "I'm under some strange disease" Seems a bit oddly phrased perhaps infected or influeced a feverish admition of guilt. Fountain penned youth reaching out to that which you love. Parables is A nice play off sylables syllable was obvious but over all i still think the rhyme is fine.
peace
the start of the second stanza makes me think of lyrics i find myself singing whenever i have a guitar in my hand "now here i go, losing my control, im practicing your name so i can say it to your face it doesnt seem right to look you in the eye, have all the things you mean to me, come tumbling out my mouth indeed its time, i tell you why, i say its infintily true"
your piece seems... a lot like love.
realising you havent said that it isnt love but it almost seems like youve written this piece in such a way because you dont want it to be love. like you want it to be everything/anything/something else instead.
i like the change in empty to full halfness. i like the ease with which it seems to occur in this piece too. i think people seem to forget its water in the glass rather than concrete because they seem to think when they decide on either half full or empty theyre stuck that way forever. its all rather tragic. water is a substance that is easily measured and moved and whatever.
im wondering, though, what is the parable you mention? when i think parables i think jesus but there isnt any indication in this piece to suggest that.
*scratches his head, frowning around at the other two comments, coming over all cave-man-like again* shit, i really want you around right now so i can talk with you, but in your absence, i'll spend a little time commenting your submission instead.
i see you chose to use punctuation in this piece. if that's the case, did you mean to leave the period from the end? maybe it's deliberately missing because the poem isn't finished - there is more to come in the 'story'. i just thought i'd point it out anyways beings you asked for a bashing.
hey, i'm gonna do something uncharacteristic here and take a different slant to what immediately jumps out of the piece and tell you that, if you look closely, there is a strong sense of negativity to this poem despite you mentioning that you're feeling in a optimistic mood recently. allow me to show you what i mean:
I’m under some strange disease
i've yet to come across a disease that someone actually wanted.
My tongue contaminated by
again, contamination isn't normally a good thing. brings to mind a taint or poison, something that could be a corrupting factor.
An unknown potion.
My heart’s thudding,
Stirring up unneeded commotion
And weakening my knees.
okay, i may be stretching it a little with these two, but what the hey - i figured i'd plough onwards and upwards. or downward. um, yeah. okay, if something is unneeded, then there's little reason why you'd have to put up with it. in nature, normally anything that isn't needed is killed or dies off due to evolution. sad but true. 'weakening' isn't always a bad thing, but for a strong person like yourself, it probably rankles a little.
My lips are silently mouthing,
The pair practicing cautiously
With unheard syllables.
The glass sits half empty
But distracted by the simplest parable -
It's nearly overflowing.
the 'half empty' reference is a well-known metaphor for a pessimistic outlook, although you negate this by saying at the end of the stanza that it is nearly overflowing due to a distraction. alas, a distraction implies an unknown variable that is drawing your attention away from other, chosen, and possibly more important, things.
also, there's a simple apostrophe needed in It's on the last line of that verse, sweet. nothing major.
Soft with sigh and a reaching hand,
Enamored with hallucinations
unless you're an acid or LCD junkie, i'm not sure hallucinations are necessarily something you'd want to be experiencing. don't they lock you away for stuff like that? although i do remember our talk about getting put in an asylum together so maybe it wouldn't be all bad. there ya go - a little silver lining to all this depressing stuff.
now, 'enamored' is a different kettle of fish altogether. it can be read two ways: either a) as being totally in love, or b) being marked by foolish or unreasoning fondness. sticking with me picking up on the negative connotations in this piece, the second definition fits well with the overall feel of the write.
I stretch my fingers forward. Parched and thoughtful,
parched equals dried out or thirsty. generally an uncomfortable state to be in. i know - i've had no Pepsi for over a week now. but i like this bit; it leads all the way back to your title Quenching. although what you may be quenching, i'm not entirely sure of yet.
I am once again lured
And tasting the contraband
to lure is to entice or or attract someone or something with the promise of reward or pleasure. a significant amount of times this would be used in relation to hunting and bait. this line gives a feel of being lead somewhere you might not want to end up...indeed, to the mentioned 'contraband' - illegal goods. it all knd of screams of taboo and of things you probably shouldn't be doing. but i think i said only last night that maybe you like to live dangerously. makes life interesting at least.
despite my attempt at bashing, i'm gonna ruin it all now by saying i actually liked this poem a whole lot. i liked reading it, i liked being able to pick out the negativity to it and its hidden darkness, and i liked trying to work out what you were thinking about as you wrote it. the not so obvious rhyming lends a natural, flowing feel to the write, almost as if it happened by accident - as if the words themselves had lured you into picking them. very nice indeed.
Wow, I really liked this. Especially the 'subtle rhyming' as you described it. I just read a poem where every two lines rhymed and it was somewhat painful. So forced, but this was nice.
I particularly liked the glass half empty part. I have no suggestions really.
Yeah it was really impressive,mostly from s stylistic point of view...
When I write,it kind of ends up more abstract than it should be.On the occasions were Ive held enough reserve to put a little form and structure in,its hasnt been as good as this.
Basically if I read this alloud it flows perfectly,and I love the rhyming structure,its my favourite way to write and read one (a poem):
Almost un-noticable if you dont pay attention,but very much there,
so if your wondering if it sounds natural I would say it couldnt be more so.
All your lines are very beautifull
"pair practicing cautiously"
I love poetry that uses that stuff
alliteration and half-rhymes etc
Id write all my poetry that way if it flowed properly
When I read your piece I imagined a nice pint of stout
for me to pondor over,but thats just weird really...
Submission Name: Quenching
