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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hair cuts from Florida on Tuesdaydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: hidden lady
    ASL Info:    28/female/nebraska
    Elite Ratio:    4.47 - 116/118/30
    Words: 186
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 435
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1091



    Description:
       think of the gaps as a situation and the words as reply to them... I know it sucks, let me know how to fix it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHair cuts from Florida on Tuesdaydots
    -------------------------------------------


    So she wasn't the same any more.
    Hadn't been for years.
    Always changing and hiding.
    What else was she supposed to do?

    He grabbed her hand,
    nothing new right?
    But this time it was life on the other side.

    Her hair was her pride,
    longer then the legs on a model
    and strung out like the walk,
    or the panel of my peers.

    It should have never happened friend.
    It should never have come to the decisions
    made by the weak bastards of the spoken word.

    Should she stop?
    Should she catch her breath?
    Is adventure finally at an end?
    The model visage will never tell.

    perhaps she will never be satisfied
    or calm,
    and she will never settle again.

    What of her pride,
    the hair worn in locks and braids, shorn and on the dirty floor?
    Forgotten and stepped on.
    Like the road and the grass
    of days that should have never been
    and never will be again.




    Submitted on 2008-12-02 02:51:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i don't think that i disliked it more than i liked it.

    you spend a certain amount of time in this poem being a bit confused, but it gets to the point where the things you needed to know are the things that you do, if you follow, and so it's quite appealing really, because you colour the blanks in with a myriad of possibilities, and there are 1000 poems in that story.

    i like it,
    and might come back with suggestions, for right now though i'm really just seeing what clubs you have got in your golf bag.

    this is a pitching wedge.
    (a club ventured when there is the need for creativity in order to reach the green. and really, people ought to know stuff about golf)
    | Posted on 2010-02-05 00:00:00 | by theAlysonDiarys | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with alexboy; the descriptions were vivid, and offered exactly what i think you want to get out.

    One thing I'm still a bit confused about was the line:
    "But this time it was life on the other side."

    I think you could develop the role of the "he" (male character), and his place or influence a bit better; he was mentioned once, and we know almost nothing bout him.

    I think it was a good decision to keep within the time period that you did; not mention the past or future of the event; focus on describing the there and then.

    The end didn't feel like it left "closure" for me, but that just might be me being accustomed to "last thought"/impacted endings.

    Overall, I enjoyed it!
    | Posted on 2008-12-03 00:00:00 | by TheStillSilence | [ Reply to This ]
      Actually, I thought this was a good piece. I felt your description was solid and it read like a passage from a book.

    The only real criticism I would have is one typo: "happend" (happened); and two spelling mistakes: "week" (weak), "finnally" (finally).

    Other than that, I have no real problems with this. A lot of work on this site has been decent lately, I'm itching to read something "bad", lol!

    | Posted on 2008-12-02 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]


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