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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Live todaydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: every48seconds
    ASL Info:    25/M/toronto
    Elite Ratio:    3.32 - 123/163/129
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 687
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 540



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLive todaydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I feel like living
    Aren't I always living
    No, I'm often dead
    More like dormant
    But not today
    I feel like living
    So dance on with me
    Spin round and round
    And let us bump into whoever we please
    For tonight we dance like drunkards
    Laugh hardily
    For tomorrow I know not of
    Live with me

    Spin

    Love

    Dance

    For tomorrow will never come
    The sun will never rise again

    Not yet




    Submitted on 2008-12-03 00:38:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Omg, I love this. You so captuered my emotions right now! Anyway, I love you're flow though some of your rythems can apear forced,I don't really think they are it's part of your style and fits in with the havoc of emotions, beautiful. I love the ending line as well, it's verry common but powerful in this peace. As always great piece man, keep writing.

    Sarah
    | Posted on 2009-01-01 00:00:00 | by S.A.M. | [ Reply to This ]
      You have not given a commentary type so I will blast where ever required and appreciate if something is there

    Cons
    1. Express more. There is very less words in which you are trying to explain what you want to say to the reader.

    2. The poetic rhythm stays in the poem but there is a major disadvantage in that especially when you see repeating words in it.

    3. The ending seems to be abrupt. It does not end smooth. If that is the way you wanted thats fine but I would prefer it to be something like this

    "The sun will never rise again.
    not yet and never again......"

    4. It is seriously small. But there should have been something more that you felt while writing this I know.

    5. You could have made one sentence decent.
    "For tonight we dance like drunkards"

    It could have been

    "For tonight we live in wine" something like that.
    Drunkards is abrupt or little shaky that removes the flow.

    Pros
    1. Keep up the good work of writing poems without forced rhymes. Thats one thing that mostly irritates me.

    2. At first I thought that the topic choosen was not complete but it is perfect enough.
    | Posted on 2008-12-04 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ]
      What I really like about this is the way it flows, like a stream of thoughts: it doesn't focus on giving good clear images, or similes or metaphors, or at pleasing the reader at all. The piece isn't set out to please, but rather sends out a message.

    and you can tell that the author is in no hurry, but also posses a fervent desire to "live" in the moment.

    One thing I think was a bit too strong for the overall feel of the piece were the following lines by the end:
    "For tomorrow will never come
    The sun will never rise again"

    I can understand that you want to focus on the moment, but these seem to bring a pessimistic tone to it, with the dark diction "never come" "never rise again".

    Good job though!
    | Posted on 2008-12-03 00:00:00 | by TheStillSilence | [ Reply to This ]


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