Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Live todaydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: every48seconds
    ASL Info:    25/M/toronto
    Elite Ratio:    3.32 - 123/163/129
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 647
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 540



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLive todaydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I feel like living
    Aren't I always living
    No, I'm often dead
    More like dormant
    But not today
    I feel like living
    So dance on with me
    Spin round and round
    And let us bump into whoever we please
    For tonight we dance like drunkards
    Laugh hardily
    For tomorrow I know not of
    Live with me

    Spin

    Love

    Dance

    For tomorrow will never come
    The sun will never rise again

    Not yet




    Submitted on 2008-12-03 00:38:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Omg, I love this. You so captuered my emotions right now! Anyway, I love you're flow though some of your rythems can apear forced,I don't really think they are it's part of your style and fits in with the havoc of emotions, beautiful. I love the ending line as well, it's verry common but powerful in this peace. As always great piece man, keep writing.

    Sarah
    | Posted on 2009-01-01 00:00:00 | by S.A.M. | [ Reply to This ]
      You have not given a commentary type so I will blast where ever required and appreciate if something is there

    Cons
    1. Express more. There is very less words in which you are trying to explain what you want to say to the reader.

    2. The poetic rhythm stays in the poem but there is a major disadvantage in that especially when you see repeating words in it.

    3. The ending seems to be abrupt. It does not end smooth. If that is the way you wanted thats fine but I would prefer it to be something like this

    "The sun will never rise again.
    not yet and never again......"

    4. It is seriously small. But there should have been something more that you felt while writing this I know.

    5. You could have made one sentence decent.
    "For tonight we dance like drunkards"

    It could have been

    "For tonight we live in wine" something like that.
    Drunkards is abrupt or little shaky that removes the flow.

    Pros
    1. Keep up the good work of writing poems without forced rhymes. Thats one thing that mostly irritates me.

    2. At first I thought that the topic choosen was not complete but it is perfect enough.
    | Posted on 2008-12-04 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ]
      What I really like about this is the way it flows, like a stream of thoughts: it doesn't focus on giving good clear images, or similes or metaphors, or at pleasing the reader at all. The piece isn't set out to please, but rather sends out a message.

    and you can tell that the author is in no hurry, but also posses a fervent desire to "live" in the moment.

    One thing I think was a bit too strong for the overall feel of the piece were the following lines by the end:
    "For tomorrow will never come
    The sun will never rise again"

    I can understand that you want to focus on the moment, but these seem to bring a pessimistic tone to it, with the dark diction "never come" "never rise again".

    Good job though!
    | Posted on 2008-12-03 00:00:00 | by TheStillSilence | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    168536

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Etiquette written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Carry written by saartha
    the testing of hypotheses written by Daniel Barlow
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Records I written by Raphael
    Every..... written by jackz
    an unashamed poverty written by Daniel Barlow
    Silent Screams In Silent Dreams written by poetotoe
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    AI written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    Shi written by ShyOne
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    You read free written by poetotoe
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    a safe place written by Daniel Barlow
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry