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    dots Submission Name: Leavedots

    Author: SilentDreams42
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 38/30/42
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 951
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 801

       think of it what you will
    it could be of so many different things

    idk tho- its kinda angsty :/

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    without you
    its not the same
    i keep wondering
    who was to blame

    was it me
    and my wishful Thinking
    that you would finally leave?

    was it mom
    and her constant Shrinking
    at life's enormous battles?

    No, it was you
    and all your Drinking
    time after time
    night after night.

    but now- with you gone
    i have no choice
    with you gone
    you have no voice

    for i blame you
    and you cant defend yourself
    i blame you
    because in all honesty
    you should hate yourself

    just face it
    without you
    its not the same
    but now i know
    Exactly who to blame

    i blame you, Dad

    Submitted on 2008-12-03 01:25:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i like this putting urself in wats his face shoes?

    gud stuff kid. (=
    | Posted on 2008-12-04 00:00:00 | by DaGrimReaperess | [ Reply to This ]
      You're certainly free to disagree with me on this, but I feel that rhyming should be done consistently if you're going to do it at all. Or if not consistently, then at least in a way that doesn't call attention to the fact that it's a rhyme.

    What I'm trying to say is the rhymes in this are too rough. I get sucked into the expectation of a sound and I either get something uninspiring like same-blame and choice-voice, or I get suckerpunched by a dropped rhyme (in particular the sixth stanza).

    The smoothest section was the thinking-shrinking-drinking bit -- though I wish you hadn't felt the need to capitalize those words, bit of an overkill there. I also wish you'd kept the drinking stanza to just three lines, to match the previous stanzas' patterns.

    As far as content goes...Ultimately, I feel that there's a lot of potential emotion in this piece that has been brought down by the execution.

    Try to take a step back and look at this piece without your personal experiences clouding your perceptions: is there anything here you haven't seen before in every other angsty poem? Are these the most effective words to get across your situation? Have you said anything in a unique way?

    You've got the skeleton of the poem. You know what you want to say, now it's time to figure out the best way to say it.
    | Posted on 2008-12-03 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]

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