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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: IN DECEMBER'S CORE~~~dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: SAGITTREVEALED
    ASL Info:    22/m/ P.C. FL
    Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 26/26/16
    Words: 423
    Class/Type: Prose/Longing
    Total Views: 627
    Average Vote:    1.5000
    Bytes: 2266



    Description:
       Winter breeds depression, and depression kills the soul, so here is a reminder that spring will again return to these foresaken, fridged lands.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIN DECEMBER'S CORE~~~dots
    -------------------------------------------


    As I sit down upon the cold grass, it snaps under my weight,the weight of the world, like shards of ice growing from the ground to meet the heavens.The warm, moist breath rolls forth from my mouth like smoke from a Smithe's forge. The air calm and silent, like a glacier caught in a perpetual freeze. As the steam billows from my bare skin, I feel the cold creep closer to my very core. The fridged fingers of Death slip under my flesh and spear my soul. It is a feeling of total freedom: a feeling without compare.
    Every star shines so brightly in the crisp, clean night sky, and I catch a glimpse of Venus and Jupiter talking past the waxing cresant of the December Moon.
    As the chill fills my being, I feel the Sagittarian Fire wane. Finally, a moment of total peace and control.
    The wind bites me, endless armies of unseen ants, my skin tightens forming goosebumps, my hairs stand on end as if I were just touched by the Reaper as he passes, taking with him my life's essence.
    No crickets, no birdsong, the trees bare; A desolate land, still in the grips of a catastrophe Aeons past, and The Goddess, Mother Earth herself sleeps in blessed peace.
    Only a random Squirrel, digging in the concrete frozen dirt to find an acorn stored by force of habit, as if he knows it could be his death had he forgotten it.
    As the Moon sinks below the horizon, Orion at his zenith, peers down at the world from on high. I aspire to be as he is, a great hunter- warrior. As Sagittarius rises just ahead of Capricorn, the inferno returns.
    Now, once again in full force, my core comes back to heat. The fire raging again, warms my extremities, and causes the thick air to part, and the frost to melt from my facade. I am a waterfall in early spring, moving rapidly towards late summer, as I trickle then rage with a torrent of cascades.
    My palms sweat, my eyes water, my skin relaxes. My inner-fire has returned and I must move, lest I be turned to stone and become a statue in a garden of spring.
    If the world had stopped in the dead clutches of winter, never could I have found nor dreamt of a better place to be than in HER warm, loving arms for eternity.

    YES, your arms, love!




    Submitted on 2008-12-03 06:57:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I felt it was unnatural for you to write like this; like you had to force the metaphors onto the page and I don't like when I get that feeling.

    You should try and make this sound more comfortable and less like you wrote it with a thesaurus.

    Lines like " as if I were just touched by the Reaper as he passes, taking with him my life's essence."
    I just don't believe that that's how you felt cause it sounds so forced.

    Another example is: "I am a waterfall in early spring, moving rapidly towards late summer, as I trickle then rage with a torrent of cascades."
    Lovely imagery and all that but again it has to be your own natural voice for me to believe it.

    Honestly, I didn't like this piece but it could have been much better than it was. I sense you just said to yourself "right i'm gonna write a piece with loads of description" and that's why your voice was lost.
    Take this idea and write it out again. Lose the thesaurus and just write how you actually feel.
    | Posted on 2008-12-03 00:00:00 | by ChildInTime | [ Reply to This ]
      My God(ddess), This is beautiful.
    Your descriptions are...speech-stumping.

    And I will always have my arms open.
    (but, for only you)

    <3 Yours.
    | Posted on 2008-12-03 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]


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