Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: IN DECEMBER'S CORE~~~dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: SAGITTREVEALED
    ASL Info:    22/m/ P.C. FL
    Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 26/26/16
    Words: 423
    Class/Type: Prose/Longing
    Total Views: 654
    Average Vote:    1.5000
    Bytes: 2266



    Description:
       Winter breeds depression, and depression kills the soul, so here is a reminder that spring will again return to these foresaken, fridged lands.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIN DECEMBER'S CORE~~~dots
    -------------------------------------------


    As I sit down upon the cold grass, it snaps under my weight,the weight of the world, like shards of ice growing from the ground to meet the heavens.The warm, moist breath rolls forth from my mouth like smoke from a Smithe's forge. The air calm and silent, like a glacier caught in a perpetual freeze. As the steam billows from my bare skin, I feel the cold creep closer to my very core. The fridged fingers of Death slip under my flesh and spear my soul. It is a feeling of total freedom: a feeling without compare.
    Every star shines so brightly in the crisp, clean night sky, and I catch a glimpse of Venus and Jupiter talking past the waxing cresant of the December Moon.
    As the chill fills my being, I feel the Sagittarian Fire wane. Finally, a moment of total peace and control.
    The wind bites me, endless armies of unseen ants, my skin tightens forming goosebumps, my hairs stand on end as if I were just touched by the Reaper as he passes, taking with him my life's essence.
    No crickets, no birdsong, the trees bare; A desolate land, still in the grips of a catastrophe Aeons past, and The Goddess, Mother Earth herself sleeps in blessed peace.
    Only a random Squirrel, digging in the concrete frozen dirt to find an acorn stored by force of habit, as if he knows it could be his death had he forgotten it.
    As the Moon sinks below the horizon, Orion at his zenith, peers down at the world from on high. I aspire to be as he is, a great hunter- warrior. As Sagittarius rises just ahead of Capricorn, the inferno returns.
    Now, once again in full force, my core comes back to heat. The fire raging again, warms my extremities, and causes the thick air to part, and the frost to melt from my facade. I am a waterfall in early spring, moving rapidly towards late summer, as I trickle then rage with a torrent of cascades.
    My palms sweat, my eyes water, my skin relaxes. My inner-fire has returned and I must move, lest I be turned to stone and become a statue in a garden of spring.
    If the world had stopped in the dead clutches of winter, never could I have found nor dreamt of a better place to be than in HER warm, loving arms for eternity.

    YES, your arms, love!




    Submitted on 2008-12-03 06:57:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I felt it was unnatural for you to write like this; like you had to force the metaphors onto the page and I don't like when I get that feeling.

    You should try and make this sound more comfortable and less like you wrote it with a thesaurus.

    Lines like " as if I were just touched by the Reaper as he passes, taking with him my life's essence."
    I just don't believe that that's how you felt cause it sounds so forced.

    Another example is: "I am a waterfall in early spring, moving rapidly towards late summer, as I trickle then rage with a torrent of cascades."
    Lovely imagery and all that but again it has to be your own natural voice for me to believe it.

    Honestly, I didn't like this piece but it could have been much better than it was. I sense you just said to yourself "right i'm gonna write a piece with loads of description" and that's why your voice was lost.
    Take this idea and write it out again. Lose the thesaurus and just write how you actually feel.
    | Posted on 2008-12-03 00:00:00 | by ChildInTime | [ Reply to This ]
      My God(ddess), This is beautiful.
    Your descriptions are...speech-stumping.

    And I will always have my arms open.
    (but, for only you)

    <3 Yours.
    | Posted on 2008-12-03 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    168547

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    the testing of hypotheses written by Daniel Barlow
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    You read free written by poetotoe
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Every..... written by jackz
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Shi written by ShyOne
    a safe place written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    a mood to be free written by Daniel Barlow
    Formal Jen written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Fasade written by jackz
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Silent Screams In Silent Dreams written by poetotoe

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry