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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Rosemarydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Hecate
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 13/16/10
    Words: 180
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 163
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1199



    Description:
       This is very rough and very experimental. Please keep that in mind when commenting.
    I'd like constructive criticism please, by which I mean neither only praise nor viscous bashing. Just tell me in a polite manner what need to be done. Help with the title is also appreciated.
    Thank ye!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRosemarydots
    -------------------------------------------


    On the days when I'm an island
    or adrift in the world's ocean,
    I long to be Ophelia,
    fair hair curling in the water.

    Everybody has a shred of Ophelia in them
    like a scrap of bright torn cloth
    among the jumbles of their souls.
    As if the violets on her grave
    drank up her essence through their roots,
    left it on the ground where you live.

    Perhaps you have an Ophelia voice and an uncertain
    Ophelia song
    strumming through the corridors of your mind.
    I have a broken Ophelia heart, Ophelia eyes
    that turn the days cold and rainy
    or crackling with fire at the edges.

    They tell me:
    to
    call
    out
    to all the scattered Ophelias in this lonely world.
    They tell me to say
    Ophelias, let us weep

    rivers and oceans.
    Let us weep for everything that ever shattered
    for then is it not forgotten.
    Let us weep until streams connect us like bridges
    until we can paddle a birchbark canoe,
    slowly,
    over and through our mourning
    towards the night's falling curtain.




    Submitted on 2008-12-04 03:15:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      (Sorry I'm commenting on this poem. I know I'm biased, but I really want to do it. Also, my comment ratio is down.)

    1. I love the watery-ness in the first stanza, and how it's continued in the third and last stanza, tying the whole piece together with a theme that fits very well with the way this is about Ophelia. (Given her death and all.)

    2. I like the title. Even though it doesn't seem at first to work with the poem, it has a similar feeling to it. It's also a grabbing title.

    3. My only suggestion for this piece would be to add more Ophelia references in. I know you have the name a lot, but maybe something from Queen Gertrude's "There is a willow grows aslant a brook" speech would definitely confirm that it is that Ophelia.

    All in all, this is a wonderful poem.
    | Posted on 2008-12-30 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ]
      Well since you have asked for a polite answer here it is

    Cons
    1. For people who dont know what "Ophelia" means this poem will not be meainingfull.

    There are multiple meaning please do specify to me what you really meant by ophellia. There are lot of references in classic literature

    It is also Hamlets charachter. If so then please describe the character in short.

    I feel that it has the meaning "help, aid"

    2. There are a few unrelated versus.
    e.g. "fair hair curling in the water."


    Pros
    1. This poem has no forced rhyme and I am glad your experiment is a partial success especially in the part where it should succeed.

    2. It had a smooth flow which is quite nice especially this being a experiment.

    Topics for you
    1. Set me free
    2. Tears to dry
    3. A life to cry
    | Posted on 2008-12-04 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ]



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