Description: I've left the old version up for comparison, but basically I've replaced the 3rd stanza to include imagery that is more in-keeping with the rest of the poem. It's a pity, because I do like the raw energy of the previous lines, but I think I'll keep that for another poem, another time.
I'd be interested to see what others think of the changes.
Note that the image is from the website of a computer graphics company, Evans & Sutherland.
Today you found the world I devised-
brooding on the blue expanse of your eyes.
Those cobalt eyes remind me of Job;
staring unblinkingly, unstintingly
into a blind impression of my embrace.
Pools of incomprehension, struggling to grasp
the fathomless depths of time and space.
You are my saga, a creation myth
forged in the pulsing womb of a distant sun.
Your blue, blue eyes drawn from the shapeless void:
Those reaching, searching limbs take shape and grow,
Conceived in a universe only I know.
Tomorrow I'll sketch your life for you:
Young fingers curled in warm discovery,
grasping shapeless Forms of Infinity-
the total power of Divinity.
i read your journal and felt compelled to stop by and add a comment *grin*.
congratulations on weaving profound and infinite concepts into a few stanzas! it took me 4 reads to grasp the subject matter and frame the context for my feedback - though this is only because i have My memes and Yours are foriegn to me at this early stage of acquaintance :)
a good deal of this piece is perfection! as follows:
'a blind impression of my embrace.'
'pools of incomprehension, struggling to grasp
the fathomless depths of time and space.'
'forged in the pulsing womb of a distant sun.'
'drawn from the shapeless void'
'young fingers curled in warm discovery,
grasping shapeless Forms of Infinity-'
the fragile robustness of a newborn; the tenderness and wonder that you convey is masterfully done.
there are a few points to put forward for consideration:
1. i feel that 'brooding' has negative connotations and 'brooding on' does not quite fit. perhaps: unfurling, unfolding, em?
2. 'saga' does not fit the line, though back to memes...
3. 'those reaching, searching limbs take shape and grow'. suggest re-work to tie it into a present moment; id est the piece seems rooted in one specific point in time - the first moment of connection between father and child. two points of references; 'today' and 'tomorrow' set end points on the scale. therefore, it halts the flow for me that the searching limbs take shape and grow, given the timescale.
all in all - well done! i like simple and you have made me work hard, so em. thanks?
Your generosity towards a poem of mine you reviewed not so long ago is not forgotten, no matter what I say in this comment!
I want to ask you to go deeper than you have with your imagery here, specifically, to really take a long hard look at each image or metaphor and ask yourself if it's trite or common or bunny-rabbitty or even cliché, and be honest with yourself: does this represent the absolute best you're capable of? Is this the most you could say about this subject? Does this express the depth of feeling, the impact of the moment, you felt?
Because I'm not feeling it. What I'm feeling is a poem that is slave to its own rhyming schema, so much so in fact that it alienates a reader, rather than draws us in to share that kernel of something you were trying to get at. But then it's difficult to play god, even in a poem, when the deep wisdom that such a being surely must represent (real or no) is supplanted by what appears to be mere braggadocio (and beneath such a creature, in reflection).
Which makes me want to say its greatest weakness then . . . is that the narrator here seems false or at the very least, a little untrustworthy, perhaps puffed up a bit and dare I say it? Petty?
Now I know this is hardcore criticism coming from a first comment from me, but I always do my best to give some feedback that is honest, even if it's not always helpful (though I generally hope it will be).
Now on the flipside . . . the strength of this piece is in its sonics. I can hear the delivery and certainly there's a fluidity in the piece that shows great promise. I'd say hang onto that ear, just shake things loose a little bit and work harder to challenge yourself. I know you can do much better than this.
First off, shrink that picture. We can imagine the vastness of space - we don't have to see it!
I'm a great believer in a poem stating itself clearly. I personally don't like poems encoded in the idiosyncratic symbology of the poet. This worked sort of with the metaphysical poets because there was a more or less universal symbology which they shared.
Furthermore I feel there should be congruence and logical harmony in a poem.
There are three strands to this poem which don't resonate together too well.
Firstly there is wonder at the vastness both temporal and spatial of the universe, which doesn't need any creation myth to explain it. Much easier if you simply accept the universe as a sine qua non, otherwise you have to start asking silly questions such as: What was there before? Who created it? Why was it created? Who created the creator and so on ad infinitum and ad nauseam.
Secondly there is the idea of a baby creating its own universe, which indeed every single baby does as its perceptions of the world around it widen.
Thirdly you mention vaguely a creation myth. Creation myths are just that - myths of creation. Leave the archaic religious mumbo jumbo out of your philosophy and your poetry will improve immensely.
There is wonder in the universe and there is wonder in a child learning about its universe. Those two strands carefully woven would make a great poem.
It's odd to think that the caucasian blue-eyed gene only evolved about 12,000 years ago. Before that mutation occurred, we couldn't use eyes as metaphors for seas and space. Luckily, now we can and in your poem I sense some interesting ideas that cold be developed and woven together. Just ditch the divinity and blow Job in a manner of speaking.
ok, you want a hard and upfront critique, so here goes.
*rolls up sleeves* (haha, right)...
i've compared your original and your revised here and found that you've polished this up very nicely. as stated in your description for the original, with this being about children i found that taking out any mention of "sh.it" was a tactful thing to do: i'm a firm believer of having the right words, and if that means slang/swearwords, then so be it; in this case, it didn't fit, and i'm glad you took it out.
i'm tempted to say to use this as a basis for a sonnet or a villanelle. i heard a villanelle last night and was impressed at how smooth it sounded. i barely noticed the rhymes actually, which, to me, is the hallmark of a good poem. like your commenter on your original piece, i was thrown off by the haphazard end-line rhymes. as it is, this is the rhyme-scheme you have:
jkkk (actually, these k's should be c's, as an afterthought: unstintingly/discovery/etc).
perhaps try to align your third stanza with your second so that the third and fifth end-lines rhyme as well? or vice-versa, obviously.
after saying all of this, a villanelle is what calls out the strongest to me. your ending quatrain could be easily changed into a villanelle's end quatrain, that's all.
if you were to do so, having an even syllable count of (let's say,) ten would immediately 'tidy' this up in terms of how it's read out. i'm also a firm believer of poetry being spoken word, that it has to look good on page but sound great out loud. after all, as a mnemonic device, it can't be beaten for teaching and helping people understand, where conventional literature may be too much to grasp. i'm on a tangent here but i'm sure you're probably aware of the oral tradition poetry and general knowledge has throughout history.
overall, i found the diction in this soothing and well thought out. you have warm images enabling fertile ponderings in regards to the idea of creation. you could leave this as it is and perhaps only brush up on meter/rhythm and syllable count, or go the whole hog and transform this into yet something else.
but you're the writer.
and these are just my immediate thoughts.
and you wanted some nitty-gritty, right?
so there you go.