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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: To Reflect and Decide,I Chose To Movedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LRRolins
    ASL Info:    17/A/A world you dont own
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 142/140/84
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Haiku/Religious
    Total Views: 666
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 820



    Description:
       I wrote this today.It's a pretty neat peice I think. It's written completely in haiku form...which I hate haikus,btw. Anyways,very religiously sided and emotional fueled...as with all of my work. It was inspired by a window in my English classrom. I was shocked that I could see my reflection from over halway across the room.And also my class ring.It has the coolest looking orange stone ever.Well,I don't know what esle to say about the piece.Just tell me what you think.

    For my Lord,the Highest.

    Peace

    <222


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTo Reflect and Decide,I Chose To Movedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Strangely,I can see
    my reflection in and through
    dirty glass that's broke

    Quoting the Bible,
    I act as the wise only
    do seem fit here in this place.

    Alas , the sordid wind
    destorys the sordid candle.
    And here I stand to fall.

    And I become blind.
    Knowledge is too much on me,
    lost my will to learn.

    See what needs to be,
    I stretch out my hand crying;
    I desire to move.

    The orange stone of Ever
    stares blinding me at Pan's peak.
    I desire Sapphire.

    It scorches me,pale,
    tearing my soul in to two.
    I won't serve two Lords.

    Running towards Blue,
    I take sides with the Bravest.
    I refuse to burn.




    Submitted on 2008-12-05 01:28:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      SUCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    | Posted on 2008-12-13 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      Hullo! (ive learned)

    Yeah hate haikus too,but seeing as how theyre only haikuish Ill let you away with it...just this once!

    Yeah I dunno...a poem like this shouldnt work but it does,I think maybe when you write you like to give people the opportunity to get many different things from your poems,but still avoid being vague for the sake of it

    what I mean is,you look like you know what your talking about even If others dont understand

    for me,Im more interested in the imagery and the strange rhyme that crops up now and again,its not off putting,tis rather nifty actually

    and Ive often thought about a string of haikus as the one poem,but then I realised I cant write them lol

    "snowman made of steel
    riding on a comet
    cold as a winters rose"

    That was one of my first "poems" ever...

    I wonder if Ive got better or worse lol

    But seriously good job with this,

    I dont know where I stand on the sordid wind or sordid candle debate,but alas Ive decided not to question that part lol

    "The orange stone of Ever
    stares blinding me at Pan's peak.
    I desire Sapphire"

    I love that stanza,especially if you mean peter pan,well I suppose if you dont it doesnt matter because it still has that conotation

    It also kind of reminded me of Oscar Wilde (hes always talking about saphires)

    So heres thing,If I could fave stanzas Id just take that
    part alone,but I guess I gotta take the whole poem (which is also great),but its mainly because of that part

    Great stuff,Ill be back for your masterpiece which will be here any day now lol

    -Craig

    PS I hope that cow works...


    | Posted on 2008-12-13 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      Hullo! (ive learned)

    Yeah hate haikus too,but seeing as how theyre only haikuish Ill let you away with it...just this once!

    Yeah I dunno...a poem like this shouldnt work but it does,I think maybe when you write you like to give people the opportunity to get many different things from your poems,but still avoid being vague for the sake of it

    what I mean is,you look like you know what your talking about even If others dont understand

    for me,Im more interested in the imagery and the strange rhyme that crops up now and again,its not off putting,tis rather nifty actually

    and Ive often thought about a string of haikus as the one poem,but then I realised I cant write them lol

    "snowman made of steel
    riding on a comet
    cold as a winters rose"

    That was one of my first "poems" ever...

    I wonder if Ive got better or worse lol

    But seriously good job with this,

    I dont know where I stand on the sordid wind or sordid candle debate,but alas Ive decided not to question that part lol

    "The orange stone of Ever
    stares blinding me at Pan's peak.
    I desire Sapphire"

    I love that stanza,especially if you mean peter pan,well I suppose if you dont it doesnt matter because it still has that conotation

    It also kind of reminded me of Oscar Wilde (hes always talking about saphires)

    So heres thing,If I could fave stanzas Id just take that
    part alone,but I guess I gotta take the whole poem (which is also great),but its mainly because of that part

    Great stuff,Ill be back for your masterpiece which will be here any day now lol

    -Craig

    PS I hope that cow works...


    | Posted on 2008-12-13 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      I used to write in a similar format to this- using 5-7-5 syllables over and over again to deal with 'normal' subject matter. It certainly isn't a haiku (for numerous reasons, none of which are really that important), so I think you should change the category.

    That aside, I struggled to get into the flow of the poem. I'm not sure whether it is just because of the time here, but it seemed a bit disjointed at times. For example:

    And I become blind.
    Knowledge is too much on me,
    lost my will to learn.

    Also some lines just don't make sense:

    Alas , the sordid wind
    destorys the sordid candle.
    And here I stand to fall.

    I don't get how the destruction of something 'sordid' is worthy of 'alas'- it almost seems like the word has just been stuck in there.

    Critiques aside, I thought that the way you approached writing this was refreshing. It's interesting that things like a reflection and stone can get you musing about religion, salvation and good vs. evil.

    Ciao.
    | Posted on 2008-12-05 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    168601

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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