And I had you - and you had me. -------------------------------------------
Inside our New York City hotel,
I peered out the window while you slept.
Lights buzzed 22 floors below.
This was ours for 24 hours.
I wished we knew this life.
But we only had this one night.
Where we walked the streets that led us to
Victor’s Café. Where the Cuban waiter
gave me a strong Mojito. Where we
walked Times Square tipsy.
And I had you – cuddled up
in the 400-a-night bed.
And you had me – in the shower
with the blinds closed.
It took me awhile to think of what exactly my takeaway was from this poem, not that it was hard to pickup, but moreso for me to verbalize until now.
It fave'd it because it captures a feeling so well. The feeling it describes it the feeling you have, a surreal feeling, when you're some place that feels so, and is so, foreign to what you're used to but feels right because of who you're with. I certainly don't live a life in which I spend $400 a night to sleep in with someone i love, but who doesn't have ideas of that and what that'd be like. Sometimes a taste is all you need to keep you going to the way that life might be like one day. Its a feeling of hope.
As far as writing goes, you captured the eloborateness of it all well. I also liked the mention of the blinds because its like you two are in your own little world and no one is looking in.
Also, the idea of having someone currled up next to you makes me think of being comfortable with someone enough to have them fall asleep next to you. I always thought that that is a powerful thing. Another way i picture it is that you'd be up at 4am or whenever in the early morning with someone sleeping next to you wondering if they or anyone else for that matter is having or has had the same thoughts that you are having at that same moment. He is sleeping, he is dreaming, but what exactly are they dreaming about?
Perhaps this is me always fighting to be different, but a whole different story played out in my head as I read this. Not one of lovers romantic get away, but one of a sort of "we are not perfect for each other, and we will not be together forever, but we have this night, and it may not be everything I dreamed or fantasized or imagined, but at least it's you and me and we are together." I see it as a sort of being disillusioned.
Inside our New York City hotel,
I peered out the window while you slept.
I would imagine that a room costing 400 per night in New York City would have occupants staying up as late as possible to get the most of their money. And yet, there the speaker stands, alone while the other sleeps, staring out of the window and remembering the day/evening.
I wished we knew this life.
But we only had this one night.
Here, instead of thinking you wanted this life because it is a nice room in NYC, I interpreted it as wishing you had the life of being together, of experiencing life with this person on a regular basis as opposed to 24 hours. No matter where you are, so long as you're there together kind of thing.
Where we walked the streets that led us to
Victor’s Café. Where the Cuban waiter
gave me a strong Mojito. Where we
walked Times Square tipsy.
I enjoyed the repetition of "where we". It somehow made the story real, at least in my opinion. And the description in this was breathtaking, because it involved so few words.
And I had you – cuddled up
in the 400-a-night bed.
And you had me – in the shower
with the blinds closed.
Here is another example of the differences in the two people, the differences in what the night should be. On the one hand, you have a nice night out followed by whispered conversations in bed, safe and warm, with the dream of happily ever after playing in the mind. And on the other hand, you have an attitude of "this is a hotel room and I'm only staying the one night, so...." Perhaps that is not what the speaker had in mind.
I agree with Phil on the L4 business but other than that, I have no critique to give. I enjoyed it.
you know this poem really plays around with taste, but in a good way.
i don't see the last bits as having any kind of regret. maybe that's just how i see it. seems like a very eloquent capture of a good moment. but i think it works pretty well.
I agree with every comment posted below me. It sounds like one hell of a night to have enjoyed with someone else.
I love your style, and how you told a story without a forced rhyme or cadence. I loved how simple it was, yet how much of a picture you painted in a short time.
This leaves one with a deep sense of just having had the greatest night of their life. The afterglow- visible in everything viewable and echoing from every sound.
It's amazing, the emotions and images you've captured here in so few words.
Very sensuous. You bring the reader right into the moment (feeling almost intrusive) with a little raise of the brow and curve of the lip at your sultry ending.
Wow! I agree with Silverdog's comments and I like the balance between the raw and the veiled. The reader is left with a sense of romance and parting. The glory of the moment can only last one night. How much does the city contribute to the sensations?
Having said that I love this poem, I have a few suggestions:
L1 "Inside" could be, simply, "From."
L4 You could actuall elininate this entire line, since it gats restated in "But we only had this one night." I think you want to do this because L4 tends cause a jump in the readers thoughts, whereas without it the idea continues.
L7 "walked" could be "roamed" to avoid thr repeat.
I was surprised by the power that this little piece conveyed. There is much for the reader to dig out of this.
A poignant, captivating vignette. I like the subtle yet sensual blend of raw passion, wistful longing and playfullness. There is a tenderness in tone that I liked as you outline the events of the evening.
"And I had you – cuddled up
in the 400-a-night bed."
I sense here it was the cuddling more than the price of the bed that you enjoyed, though your delight in the luxuries is apparent too.
The final lines haunt a little;
"And you had me – in the shower
with the blinds closed."
Something about the blinds being closed---at 22 stories elevation suggested just a tinge of regret, --a certain reservation that casts a slight shadow on the overall scene of the playful abandonment of a carefree one-night fling.
Of course, this could also be about a couple on a one nght escape, a business trip, a contest won...either way I loved the last lines, suggesting just that little bit of holding back.
perfectly captured: the locations you frequented, the moments you shared. there is a quiet love here that is passionate and serene, a beautiful balance.
i look for realness like this because it never disappoints. rather, it makes me nod knowingly, and makes me sigh, i guess. makes me want these moments even more, makes me want too many things.
Submission Name: And I had you - and you had me.
