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    dots Submission Name: Pretty straightforward I think.dots

    Author: xieno
    Elite Ratio:    2.41 - 7/16/24
    Words: 247
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angry
    Total Views: 691
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1483

       After bottling a lot of things up for about a month, I finally just let everything out.
    This is pretty self explanatory I think. I tried to be as straightforward as possible. Hell, even the first verse is about that haha...This is basically about my resentment toward myself and certain other people. Every piece of it came from my heart and I dont want anyone telling me that I "forced it to rhyme." This is exactly how it came to me. Besides I think it makes it flow better in this situation.

    "Your memories will always haunt me like a ghost. To put it nicely I hope you choke"
    :D <3

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPretty straightforward I think.dots

    How can I put this as an emotional prose
    Hide the meaning so you can never know
    Get lost in my words and let at least one thing show
    Fuck it, I got sick of the sugarcoat

    I'm not an artist and I'm not that deep
    Don't know why I let my emotions overwhelm me
    Open up the cage and let them all run free
    Although some of them will make you resent me

    This kid doesn't know what shes doing anymore
    Selling herself out like some fucking whore
    Trying to get the most when theres not much left
    And still treating life like a half empty glass

    And it hurts, I won't lie
    Revenge opprotunities just pass me by
    I'm not the bigger person, so whats the problem?
    Anything it takes to show them

    That's where all my emotions just stop
    Make myself numb so I won't get shot
    Lay there lifeless in my blood and thoughts
    Revive me by saying its not all my fault

    And I won't lie to keep you here
    All I see in you is a life and a mere
    Thousand lies you told me before
    Not like I haven't lost friends before

    You've gotten too many chances through this fall
    But I'll laugh when you hurt them all
    And when they leave you and you get pissed
    All I can say is -
    Have a nice lonely life you fucking son of a bitch

    Submitted on 2008-12-08 03:46:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Right then. Well, I'm not going to say the rhyme sounded forced, because I don't feel it did.

    I think overall this piece was good, but in terms of the "flow" it fell down in places.

    Although the rhyme didn't sound forced, it was poor at points: "show/sugarcoat"; "deep/me"; "pissed/[censored]", etc....


    In terms of feedback, I would say you need to work on your rhyming and scanning, but your content's pretty good, although 3 "F words" was a bit much!
    | Posted on 2008-12-08 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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