Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pretty straightforward I think.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: xieno
    Elite Ratio:    2.41 - 7/16/24
    Words: 247
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angry
    Total Views: 652
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1483



    Description:
       After bottling a lot of things up for about a month, I finally just let everything out.
    This is pretty self explanatory I think. I tried to be as straightforward as possible. Hell, even the first verse is about that haha...This is basically about my resentment toward myself and certain other people. Every piece of it came from my heart and I dont want anyone telling me that I "forced it to rhyme." This is exactly how it came to me. Besides I think it makes it flow better in this situation.

    "Your memories will always haunt me like a ghost. To put it nicely I hope you choke"
    :D <3


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPretty straightforward I think.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    How can I put this as an emotional prose
    Hide the meaning so you can never know
    Get lost in my words and let at least one thing show
    Fuck it, I got sick of the sugarcoat

    I'm not an artist and I'm not that deep
    Don't know why I let my emotions overwhelm me
    Open up the cage and let them all run free
    Although some of them will make you resent me

    This kid doesn't know what shes doing anymore
    Selling herself out like some fucking whore
    Trying to get the most when theres not much left
    And still treating life like a half empty glass

    And it hurts, I won't lie
    Revenge opprotunities just pass me by
    I'm not the bigger person, so whats the problem?
    Anything it takes to show them

    That's where all my emotions just stop
    Make myself numb so I won't get shot
    Lay there lifeless in my blood and thoughts
    Revive me by saying its not all my fault

    And I won't lie to keep you here
    All I see in you is a life and a mere
    Thousand lies you told me before
    Not like I haven't lost friends before

    You've gotten too many chances through this fall
    But I'll laugh when you hurt them all
    And when they leave you and you get pissed
    All I can say is -
    Have a nice lonely life you fucking son of a bitch




    Submitted on 2008-12-08 03:46:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Right then. Well, I'm not going to say the rhyme sounded forced, because I don't feel it did.

    I think overall this piece was good, but in terms of the "flow" it fell down in places.

    Although the rhyme didn't sound forced, it was poor at points: "show/sugarcoat"; "deep/me"; "pissed/[censored]", etc....

    "left/glass...??"

    In terms of feedback, I would say you need to work on your rhyming and scanning, but your content's pretty good, although 3 "F words" was a bit much!
    | Posted on 2008-12-08 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    168708

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Incubus written by monad
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Linger written by saartha
    To written by SavedDragon
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To Glow written by krs3332003

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry