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    dots Submission Name: MY APOCALYPSEdots

    ASL Info:    22/m/ P.C. FL
    Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 26/26/16
    Words: 188
    Class/Type: Deep Thought/
    Total Views: 661
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1222


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMY APOCALYPSEdots

    A house of "god"
    nothing more than facade.

    In a lie which they hide,
    In their fear i reside.

    Grasping at straws,
    pointing out everyone's flaws.

    The words" god bless"
    have always been such a mess!

    "In the name of the lord"
    it is WAR and GOLD, they hoard!

    Only they are to blame
    souly the CHRISTIAN'S SHAME!

    With the Earth at it's end
    to their will no more bend!

    The winds come with the change
    in a new world so strange.

    they know not what to do
    when they must answer to you.

    They all hide and they flee
    at the mere sight of me.

    In the judgment to come
    ALL are under my thumb.

    In a bright blinding flash
    I shall sort out the "trash."

    In the blink of mine eye
    I will lift some on high.

    What else is there left to say


    Submitted on 2008-12-11 17:24:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I usually make my best attempt to read a piece straight through and comment on it without trying to take into account other people's critique's. I could not help but to notice the "NO ONE ELSE COMMENT," that was posted in bottom section here.

    I'm almost positive this site was created for the single intention of people posting their own work for others to make their own interjections on that work. If you do not want people critiquing your work you could share it with people on other websites, I'm sure there are plenty of them. If you wish to improve your writing, eliteskills has the potential to assist you with that.

    Onto the critique!

    The main feeling of this poem is something that is obviously appa rent, no ambiguousness here at all. It is easy to acquire a distaste for religious groups and advocates, though I am not sure this poem here truly captures that emotion. I'm not going to judge the message itself, just the way the message was presented.

    The main literary trait present is the rhyming scheme. It follows a simple pattern. "God", "Facade", "Bless", and "Mess" are just a few that pop right into my head. I find when reading these type of rhyming schemes a good amount of the emphasis on the emotion created from the poem is taken away. Make an attempt to strip away the rhymes and find more descriptive and meaningful words that fully justify your sentiment. (Even if they don't rhyme)

    Towards the end of the poem you seem to take on this omnipotent character passing judgment onto others, while at the start there appeared only to be criticism against the church. The transition between these two areas is hazy and a bit confusing. I guess I'm just not really sure what you meant by doing that...

    Try to steer away from the typical cliché rhyming, I'm not telling you to completely avoid it because it is possible to do it well! Try some different techniques and see what you come up with.

    I hope you find some of these words useful in improving your work :) .

    Have a good one

    | Posted on 2008-12-12 00:00:00 | by MuckyMuckpoop | [ Reply to This ]
      well I personally havn't read any of your other peices but I like this one. This looks like a christian bash which I my eyes is good because most of them are wering a facade and should just quite. honestly I don't care that that person says no commenting I think a peice like this with so much heart just needs a comment from some one like me who feel that those types of people neeed to pay for their lies. Well off my soap box I love this peice and I think even if you are just blowing off steam this poem could easly become a series of poems off the basis' of life good work I thoughly applade you for your work
    | Posted on 2008-12-11 00:00:00 | by Sepheroth432 | [ Reply to This ]
      Damn it, Hunni.
    As always a lovely peice and well-said, however the content, my love, the anger and venom, I hate seeing that in you. I really do.

    And I know you want no one else to comment, so I will write it right here,

    <3 Yours.

    | Posted on 2008-12-11 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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