Description: unpolished, mostly just trying to get this out of me. please, readers, speak to me.
The Collapse of a Thunderous Mountain -------------------------------------------
The famine of soul is a trifle deep
consuming all in functional irony
and the last of our breaths is a tiny scream
I reach out grasping for sweet dramamine
a numbness, a terrible tie-on
to add to the plates full of glasses removed
I'm stumbling through fallacies, catatonic,
possessed, and the depravation is neck deep.
Indignant and ruffled and riddled
with everything but a good explanation
a time bomb of shrapnel and sidelong glances
a fortunate phantom of cohesive living.
Left in the shadow of something tragic
a knifewound between the ribs a wish.
As the static breaks and churns erratic
I put the final notation on my list.
Stunning. Really. The third stanza is probably my favorite. I think you did a great job string the words together. They really sound like they belong together. The scheme weaves together nicely. Artfully done. It's not just some sweater you threw together at the last minute for your grandma.
However, it tastes a little dry in my mouth when I read it. Perhaps, it's the rhyme scheme. I love 'rhymey' poems. Of course, I realize their not all that respected or looked upon as clever. Still, I can't help what I like. I really like your use of catatonic. In a lot of poems that I've seen that in, it seems as if the person just stuck it in their to sound poetic or smartie-pancy, but , in here, it actually seems like it belongs.
Hmm...i haven't slept yet and im seeing a long line of purple in front of my vision which is quite distracting. sooo i have now become so tired that im no longer (for the time being) intimidated by your poems and such, so i decided to comment on this while im still out of my mind to attempt so.
"The famine of soul is a trifle deep
consuming all in functional irony
and the last of our breaths is a tiny scream
I reach out grasping for sweet dramamine"
hahahah you reached out for pills that help with motion sickness? cute actually, it kinda sounds forced though cause of the context or because im seriously retarded...i bet you agree with the latter hmm..
for some reason i think Dramamine should be capitalized considering it's a brand {Dimenhydrinate (marketed under brand names Dramamine, Gravol and Vertirosan)} but you probably knew that so why am i repeating it? Well i better move on before you decided to assassinate me ASAP.
"a numbness, a terrible tie-on
to add to the plates full of glasses removed
I'm stumbling through fallacies, catatonic,
possessed, and the [deprivation] is neck deep."
I think "a" should be removed.
"Numbness, a terrible tie-on" i think a....a clashes a bit in this area. deprivation was spelt wrong, i love firefox and their red underlines.
"Indignant and ruffled and riddled
with everything but a good explanation
a time bomb of shrapnel and sidelong glances
a fortunate phantom of cohesive living."
"Indignant, ruffled, and riddled" It's probably just me but it seems to read better without that extra "and"
i love the imagery that is being played on here,
"a fortunate phantom of cohesive living" haha brilliant Keegan. though i dont think punctuation would kill ya either.
"Left in the shadow of something tragic
a [knife wound] between the ribs a wish.
As the static breaks and churns erratic
I put the final notation on my list."
Unless there was a specific reason for knifewound to be placed together it's two words...(god i feel rude and i don't know why!! bah if im coming off as rude im sorry) i love the emotional detachment that the ending played. it's almost like, the whole process has become so much part of the person it's mundane (please tell me im interpreting this right -.-)
Well hopefully i did something right somewhere in there sorry this was so short though kickass job Keegan. Kudos.
Submission Name: The Collapse of a Thunderous Mountain
hmm..