Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ashesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: UnderlinedInRed
    ASL Info:    18/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 196/262/123
    Words: 169
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 531
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 1090



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAshesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am pretty rotten,
    For what I've done to you.
    Made you wait for years and months
    To make our love come true.

    Honestly, there was a time.
    A year ago, today.
    That I loved you.
    I can most likely, somewhat, say.

    But now all thats left is ashes,
    Strewn across the bed,
    Dust of our once lit fires,
    Running with the thread.

    You think you love me still,
    When I am pretty sure you don't.
    You love me as much as I love you.
    And that must really hurt.

    I hate that we can't seperate
    When all I want to do is scream
    "This isn't worth the heartbreak!"
    When our relationship is obscene.

    You insult when I compliment.
    You threaten when I admire.
    You are a pessimistic ass.
    And you are not what I desire.

    My hate fetters in a storm
    It breaks and cracks and crashes
    Because we are never meant to stay together
    When our love is but in ashes.




    Submitted on 2008-12-12 14:11:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This seems to stumble a bit, but overall it was excellent.

    If it were my poem I would cut "in" out of the last line and say "When our love is but ash" But that is just what I would have done.

    I like that it is a little ambiguous as to whether or not this relationship is still there. This could be seen as reasoning with yourself to break up. This could be seen as the break up. This could also be seen as a post break up discussion. You have done well here.
    | Posted on 2008-12-23 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good! Liked this one. I think you expressed yourself well and I liked the words you used. Nice use of similies, metaphors and onomatopoeia.

    I particulary liked the lines: "But now all that's left is ashes/stewn across the bed" and "It breaks and cracks and crashes".

    I thought "Ashes" was the perfect title for this piece and the last line was just right.

    Overall I'd say this was a well constructed poem. My only criticism would be with the flow: I thought it sounded clumsy in places: "That I loved you/I can most likely somewhat say", for example.

    I think "And not what I desire" would've worked much better in the last line of the penultimate verse.

    In conclusion though, I'd say this one's a winner!
    | Posted on 2008-12-17 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    168858

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Dirge of Nostalgia written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Tides of Man written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Convergence written by HisNameIsNoMore
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    Love and Solitaire written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Sunt Mala Quae Libas written by MyPeriodical
    Bam written by Daniel Barlow
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    ME written by jjd
    Born of the Mouth written by MyPeriodical
    The Search written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Last to Walk the Earth written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    This written by Chelebel
    Watch them Die written by HisNameIsNoMore
    When Crows Tick on Windows written by metallichick786
    Still written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry