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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ashesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: UnderlinedInRed
    ASL Info:    18/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 196/262/123
    Words: 169
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 521
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 1090



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAshesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am pretty rotten,
    For what I've done to you.
    Made you wait for years and months
    To make our love come true.

    Honestly, there was a time.
    A year ago, today.
    That I loved you.
    I can most likely, somewhat, say.

    But now all thats left is ashes,
    Strewn across the bed,
    Dust of our once lit fires,
    Running with the thread.

    You think you love me still,
    When I am pretty sure you don't.
    You love me as much as I love you.
    And that must really hurt.

    I hate that we can't seperate
    When all I want to do is scream
    "This isn't worth the heartbreak!"
    When our relationship is obscene.

    You insult when I compliment.
    You threaten when I admire.
    You are a pessimistic ass.
    And you are not what I desire.

    My hate fetters in a storm
    It breaks and cracks and crashes
    Because we are never meant to stay together
    When our love is but in ashes.




    Submitted on 2008-12-12 14:11:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This seems to stumble a bit, but overall it was excellent.

    If it were my poem I would cut "in" out of the last line and say "When our love is but ash" But that is just what I would have done.

    I like that it is a little ambiguous as to whether or not this relationship is still there. This could be seen as reasoning with yourself to break up. This could be seen as the break up. This could also be seen as a post break up discussion. You have done well here.
    | Posted on 2008-12-23 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good! Liked this one. I think you expressed yourself well and I liked the words you used. Nice use of similies, metaphors and onomatopoeia.

    I particulary liked the lines: "But now all that's left is ashes/stewn across the bed" and "It breaks and cracks and crashes".

    I thought "Ashes" was the perfect title for this piece and the last line was just right.

    Overall I'd say this was a well constructed poem. My only criticism would be with the flow: I thought it sounded clumsy in places: "That I loved you/I can most likely somewhat say", for example.

    I think "And not what I desire" would've worked much better in the last line of the penultimate verse.

    In conclusion though, I'd say this one's a winner!
    | Posted on 2008-12-17 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]


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