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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Me and Ms. Janedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Syn
    Elite Ratio:    4.71 - 115/136/83
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1103
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 768



    Description:
       ...well, obviously! i could use some feedback on this one, so any input on improving the cadence or tightening the rhythm and flow would be super-appreciated!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMe and Ms. Janedots
    -------------------------------------------


    mary jane, there's no need to explain
    but i sure could use my little muse
    to perhaps diffuse this sad excuse
    i'll try not to misuse your many hues
    by allowing just one tiny puff

    mary jane, you're far from mundane
    and i'm in dire need of your fire
    a small green pyre to take me higher
    that sweet desire you do so inspire
    yet i'll never have quite enough

    mary jane, she keeps me lucid and sane
    she removes reservation leaving no imitation
    a form of sedation, she's my self-medication
    her sly temptation shall be my final salvation
    so here's one last hurrah forthe stuff...




    Submitted on 2008-12-13 02:20:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      a drug induced nursery rhyme...love the high of the piece...the snappy pace just like in a nursery rhyme...jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a joint...oops, doesn't rhyme...

    but yes..."i get high with a little help from friends"

    "gonna try with a little help from my friends"

    my mary jane is there when i need her...

    she makes my mind rhyme.

    well done.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-02 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Well it does remind me of that Rick James record but whats crazy is that I had the thought of Mary Jane right before I scooped this piece up, haha.

    The 'mary jane' repetitiveness is a nice little component pieced together in there.
    The back to back rhyme pattern which is 'double dosed' holds it firmly together so there is really only a couple of actual corrections to make.

    The last line is the one of a experienced 'toaker'.

    I don't know for sure but I get the sense this is one of those types of marijuana pieces that says 'I'm not stopping what helps me cope'.
    It didn't come off confessional to me, more like a relevant, relative description of what always makes you feel good, having it's misconception as a drug when it's really not.

    I find it cool.

    The changes that can be made are anything to break your neck over.
    | Posted on 2011-03-31 00:00:00 | by Rex Gold | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Not sure how to help with rhythm/cadence, except to reiterate that you should keep track of your (phonetic) syllables and set a base count that you either follow through with every line, or get close to it (this applies to strict forms only; by all means experiment openly). So, let's say it's 9, you can get away with some lines that are 8 or 10, but anything too far from that would tamper with the 'flow,' or make the write appear sloppy (even if in reality it's not). My main point is this: Read the poem aloud to yourself. It will help highlight where the little stumbles and rough patches are.

    I have one nitpick, which is personal preference. In the beginning and middle stanzas, you addressed mary jane as 'you' but the last mary jane became 'she' which is fine, considering the syllable count increased as well (which makes the stanza unique in two ways, well three because of the unexpected the stuff) . . . so my preference is that the last stanza would be more effective if the poem approached the topic of mary jane more subtly, with imagery and sounds that hint at the smoke, and don't spell out the joint, so to speak. If subtlety was crafted, then the last stanza's shift would be stronger, more conclusive, and cleverly tie in the concept(s) of mary jane.

    Up to you, of course. You asked for feedback, I tried my best (at this ridiculous hour of the night). :)

    Alia
    | Posted on 2009-01-17 00:00:00 | by O | [ Reply to This ]


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