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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Man and the Atlanticdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Passionbyapathy
    ASL Info:    18/M/Ohio State
    Elite Ratio:    6.06 - 174/189/127
    Words: 258
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 109
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1905



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMan and the Atlanticdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Man said, "swear by me"
    and emblazoned everything with silver strands
    highlights to the high-life
    The first testament to the subtle strangles of society
    that consume, and confuse, and corrupt.
    Break free of those bonds,
    and baby it's a beautiful world;
    take it for a spin.
    Open your battered doors and take it all in.
    Give birth through passion to
    a cherried ember of beget emotion
    born into the forefront of our chest,
    fresh before fatality,
    firm before regret.

    Man is man before all things

    The sense-less within Blind fire
    and the ever present veil of darkness
    that had stolen all of me
    leaned heavily
    on fettered bonds.
    Even "free" man is willed skillfully
    back into the waiting jaws of slavery
    sooner or later.

    Man is lost aboard a boat Goliath
    afloat without a competent captain

    It was Man who said:

    "Don't go crying a river
    with those port-hole portals hued blue,
    both by nature, and from reflecting
    the ocean out-standing before us.

    Hold tight to shore more
         when there is no shore to see?
    and pull apart the self
    from self sewn seams
          so seamlessly
    distress for sake of depression
    and sink head-first into
    shallow sea" -

    A digression from everything instinct

    and so I cast away from my island
          full of shadows
    with a suitcase half-set to sail
    and half-sure to fail
    packed in a hurry
    jumbled full of
    fragile
    insecurities as socks
    and simple toiletries.





    Submitted on 2008-12-15 07:50:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      God damn im tired okay here goes nothing.


    "Man said, "swear by me"
    and emblazoned everything with silver strands
    highlights to the high-life
    The first testament to the subtle strangles of society
    that consume, and confuse, and corrupt.
    Break free of those bonds,
    and baby it's a beautiful world;
    take it for a spin.
    Open your battered doors and take it all in.
    Give birth through passion to
    a cherried ember of beget emotion
    born into the forefront of our chest,
    fresh before fatality,
    firm before regret."

    this seems like some cheesy 60 or 70s musical lyrics to be honest. I think you're over dramatizing this. It's like it's all bark no bite. It seems a bit shallow when you read it almost as if there is a lack luster kind of read when it comes to this. i think you should try a few simplistic words to mix into this, it's to over drawn and a bit rustic in its own way.

    "Man is man before all things

    The sense-less within Blind fire
    and the ever present veil of darkness
    that had stolen all of me
    leaned heavily
    on fettered bonds.
    Even "free" man is willed skillfully
    back into the waiting jaws of slavery
    sooner or later.

    Man is lost aboard a boat Goliath
    afloat without a competent captain"

    Uhm the first bit of this seems to be off,

    "Mankind is man before all things."

    "Men are men before all things."

    I can't put my finger on it exactly but it seems to bug me when i read it, could be im like horridly tired at almost four am but still >.>

    "Even "free" [men] [are] willed skillfully"

    I believe it reads better that way. also your over use of the word "Man" seems a bit uhm i would say along the lines of pretentious. Though it seems to improve slightly the farther into this i read, but normally if this wasn't asked of me to read, i probably would have stopped sooner.

    ""Don't go crying a river
    with those port-hole portals hued blue,
    both by nature, and from reflecting
    the ocean out-standing before us.

    Hold tight to shore more
    when there is no shore to see?
    and pull apart the self
    from self sewn seams
    so seamlessly
    distress for sake of depression
    and sink head-first into
    shallow sea" -"

    this seems like a sea shanty that is being sung, though that's probably my own interpenetration though i do believe i like this uhm if you would call it a stanza, the format of this piece seems a bit jagged but im sure that is how you intended it, or along the lines of what i've spoken.
    so since i have really no critique type response to this part i'll move along.

    "A digression from everything instinct

    and so I cast away from my island
    full of shadows
    with a suitcase half-set to sail
    and half-sure to fail
    packed in a hurry
    jumbled full of
    fragile
    insecurities as socks
    and simple toiletries."

    I don't really care for the space between the "instinct, and" portion of this piece. the ending seemed some sort of let down it was like reading Treasure Island, without them ever finding a semblance of treasure at the end. But again it could be my sleep deprived mind viewing it like this....

    Well James this certainly is not your best work, i've seen what you can do and as always i'm impressed with your skill. I have ripped through your poem and offered as much critique as i could muster i hope your satisfied with what you asked for and so i'll move along to the next one you asked me to look at.

    ~Nikki
    | Posted on 2009-02-02 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]


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