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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: snow angeldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: The Wolverine
    ASL Info:    23/M/MA
    Elite Ratio:    4.51 - 74/137/91
    Words: 239
    Class/Type: Lyrics/
    Total Views: 749
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1585



    Description:
       this is loosely based on a true story, about a young man named from the town next to me who left a college house party a few miles from school during a snowstorm, instead of getting into a fight with someone. Sadly, his friends he went to the house with didn't notice he was gone until it was too late.
    Nobody is sure why he left the road, but his family thinks it might be because a car was coming and he thought it was the same kids from the party coming after him.

    Friends and family searched for four months, and that April his body was found not too far away from the house.

    If you don't take anything away from this piece, please always take care of your friends, and leave with the same number of people you came with.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotssnow angeldots
    -------------------------------------------


    He left the scene
    like a ghost
    rather than fight
    would have stayed
    if he knew
    but it just didn't seem right

    so he slipped away and out of sight

    into powder shin deep and sleet
    nature's giant blanket white
    a lone soul in God's sheet
    passes by in the night

    where was he headed
    in the great lost and found
    when the steady crunch
    of his shoes was drowned
    out by an engine

    he strayed from the road
    because he couldn't tell friend from foe
    in this icy situation
    well you never did like confrontation

    and I still remember what you said in
    passing conversation

    true friendship doesn't end
    but it might slip some for a while
    and while some breaks are hard to mend
    you always set them right
    with that glowing smile

    but you slipped away and out of sight
    that night
    and we couldn't find you
    but when you fell naked to the ground
    to make one last snow angel

    and I don't know why
    this time had to be different
    and I can't help but ask why
    some get to live while others die
    or why and you'd never say good-bye
    I can't say for certain
    when God will draw the curtain
    so laugh and please remember
    there was so much love inside him
    too much warmth for that evening
    last December





    Submitted on 2008-12-20 07:57:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I've been reading so many agonized poems that are just about some underchallenged kid's feelings of being agonized, that

    I know it is inappropriate of me, but I was delighted to read this sad story because it is about something. It's so nice to find a writer who has gone to the trouble of finding something to write about!!!

    | Posted on 2009-06-04 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      Actually,Id allready taken a look at the revised edition.
    I neglected to give you my thoughts out of nothing more than lazyness,so apologies on that front.

    But yes I think its infinitely improved,I wonder if you feel the same?

    I always thought it was a great piece of work,but Im so glad you decided to refine it...

    I know its hard,Ive often gotten good advice on how to edit my poems and Ive went on to reply by saying: "Oh yeah,I get what you mean,but I like my work to come out as it originally flowed" But thats just silly,real poets edit their work and you are definately one of that category.

    Its also nice to meet someone who likes Elliot Smith!

    But anyway I think this is a beautifull write now,even when I first read it it was very impressive and it seems I wasnt the only one,youve gotten some good comments here.

    As regards my words on your new poem,its totally at your disgression what you do,I thought it was great anyway,its just that in your description you seemed unsure of its merit so I gave you my thoughts...

    I hope they were at least somewhat helpfull.

    Anyhow,sorry about neglecting to give you feedback,it was sheer lazyness,but give me a shout whenever,Im always willing to look at poetry with effort put into it.

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2009-01-17 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      lovely. quite the moving piece. normally i'm not a fan of direct realistic poetry but this stands as a shining exemption of that.

    the snow angel reference made for a beautiful analogy

    ~shadow
    | Posted on 2009-01-17 00:00:00 | by in shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow this is a beautiful piece with a haunting quality. That story is a bit heart rendering. I agree with the comment below mine. The falling flat part, but really how can you end a poem like this? Was this person close to you?

    But all in all this poem has a sort of unique quality too it, more so that it's based on a true story. I believe that it becomes more personal for the reader when they learn that this isn't a bunch of words grouped together, but the last act of another human being in a poetic form. I'm beyond impressed with this. Beautifully written, and wonderfully worded. Nicely done.

    --Autumn
    | Posted on 2009-01-16 00:00:00 | by AutumnDancer | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought of this and felt instantly impacted from the first stanza and it just sped off violently scuttled and wicked at the same time. The flow was menacing and perfect for the gentle words describing something so horrid and dreadful. I felt pulled along with the person as they set off on their last journey in life, the one to their death. I felt the violent point of staying away from the road because he could not tell friend from foe. That was absolutely genius and I love the complexity behind this work, even though it was so powerful. Damn good write. Fave by far.
    | Posted on 2009-01-16 00:00:00 | by HisNameIsNoMore | [ Reply to This ]
      Its kind of like an Elliot smith song,lyric wise,but I reckon thats a good thing,

    Yeah it does need work allright,but its clearly good,I see where your going with it like,

    So what I would say is you should edit it,If I was to work on this I would finish with this:

    "and I don't know why
    this time had to be different
    and I can't help but ask why
    some get to live while others die
    or why and you'd never say good-bye
    I can't say for certain
    when God will draw the curtain
    so laugh and please remember
    there was so much love inside him
    too much warmth for that evening
    last December"

    I would make that stanza or whatever its ending,
    see youve written so well up to that point that its hard to top afterwards,like the last stanza you have there kind of falls flat

    But I know see you want to convey a bit of optimism and hope,

    Maybe you could execute that part a little better if your not gonna cut it out,tweak the second half or whatever

    That part I singled out was such a beautifull ending that its hard for me to reconcile it with what comes after,

    The only fault you could say about this is its almost too ambitious,you want to say everything when some of it is better left unsaid.

    But Ill be interested in seeing what you do with this anyway:-)

    Thank you for the read

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2008-12-20 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]


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