Written Approval by EmpathicAya

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Submission Name: Written Approval dots

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Author:	EmpathicAya
ASL Info:	13+6/unMale/Your Mind
Elite Ratio:	7.66 - 665/396/86
Words:	87

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	106
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	670

Description:
I wrote this a pretty long time ago. I don't know why I write about domestic violence when I've never experienced it...

Enjoy...
~Azura*

Written Approval dots

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you can use my body
as an Etch-a-Sketch
and draw
unto me
your beliefs
in
black and white

your marvelous frown of
concentration
moves me
and I
swear, I
could drown
in the crease of your brow

and although this work
is agonizing,

isn't it good of me to make it
so
whatever

projection of your soul
you imprint on me,

if you don't like it,
you can just shake me,
and it vanishes?

Submitted on 2008-12-25 22:27:10 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I like how sarcastic this felt- I read it in a caustic tone, totally scathing, imagining some oblivious idiot taking the words at face value. Quietly mocking him, ha, yes. Anyway, I like poems that almost order you to read them in a specific tone, I guess it's related to how powerful they are.

This was tightly written, no unnecessary words.

I liked 'unto' in v1, the way it gave the addressed a god-like feel, but mockingly.

The pseudo-romantic feel to v2 felt fresh, and therefore arresting- 'I could drown in the crease of your brow'. The rhyme felt natural in this verse, very smoothly done :)

'whatever

projection of your soul
you imprint on me,

if you don't like it'

I like the implication that the addressed may not like parts of his own soul, but projected onto another person can deny all responsibility for them, and can also make them disappear (addressed. gah. what other word is there?). Very physco-something. Analytical?
Hmm.

The whole premise of this write was strong, it was well executed, a pleasure to read :)

Aly
| Posted on 2009-09-29 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this a lot...you played with an idea and ended up expressing it very well.

"your marvelous frown of
concentration
moves me
and I
swear, I
could drown
in the crease of your brow"

This stanza is perhaps my favorite. I especially like the way you phrased the last three lines. Very well written.

| Posted on 2009-03-21 00:00:00 | by EileenToTheLeft | [ Reply to This ]
  I love verse itself, and each of your poems I read, I enjoy it because it's good free verse.

Another thing I enjoy about this one is how you made a character, not your own but a fictional one, to be narrator of the poem. My crowd call that "framing", and play tricks with it. Some artwork consists entirely of nested frames like a Babushka doll. Maybe it all does. ..... the first few frames are inside the poet ....
| Posted on 2009-03-03 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
  This is so beautiful. I wanted to check out some of your stuff because you had commented on one of my own poems. I picked this at random, but I just have to comment on it cause I really like this! I can see in my mind the way we are all like Etch-a-sketchs with the world around us shaping us in ways we can feel. When we look down at ourselves and notice that we have changed because of the effect someone else has given us.
When I read this I felt insecure like I was really and Etch-A-sketch with messy scribbles that eveyone could see.

Beautiful!

HL

| Posted on 2008-12-28 00:00:00 | by Heidiluv | [ Reply to This ]
  i am glad you havent experienced domestic violence. it is not something anyone should have to experience. home should be a safe place not a war zone.

anyways.

i like how you have created this piece. your etch a sketch image is very interesting and works quite well. i would never have thought of taking something so reminicent of childhood fun and applying it to such a horrid situation and yet you have done it with such ease its almost as if you have redefined the existance of etch a sketch. it is very well done.

my question is...
you know when you etch etch etch etch etch and then eventually you cannot shake it totally away? the little spots stay or the neon line is permanently stuck there...

yeah... i think there is an end to the disappearing. i think when someone is broken one time too many- be it verbally, emotionally, mentally or physically- the disappearing is too much effort. the sleeves and makeup and dark glasses cover/hide nothing and the little dots or lines are visible...

hmmm. your piece is very thought provoking.
| Posted on 2008-12-26 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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