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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I Write the Roadsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: EmpathicAya
    ASL Info:    13+8/unMale/Your Mind
    Elite Ratio:    7.31 - 700/456/109
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1064
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 835



    Description:
       I miss how you were when we were together... and I miss the connection we used to have... and I miss the comfort in the dreams I had about what we would have...
    ~Azura*

    PS: This sucks. The poem does, too. But I want to make it better.

    PPS: Took Hanuman's advice here... I think it's better...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Write the Roadsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I write the roads, I
    walk on,
    but lately they've been bare.

    My words have been reduced
    to silver-
    wire puppet strings, and I

    am here, dancing

    to chilling sounds
    of my Soul's own
    vibrations, my Mind's own
    vexations. One

    chord, one resonant hum
    to keep me going
    down
    white, wind-less roads and I
    don't write

    azure skies to gaze
    on, dreaming, without
    you. There's
    no comfort, destination, warmth
    or meaning in the hue

    And these
    words form only shadows
    of how really I feel for you, but they
    write

    the roads I walk on, though
    lately,

    they've been bare.




    Submitted on 2008-12-29 00:12:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i was all excited today, about to step out and rite myself to stardom. then remembered your lines here. so yes, they are good hook lines. bugger it, and good on you, since i sincerely wish i could have used them.
    | Posted on 2010-02-14 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Can I just ditto everyone else?

    The hook line is a gem, and I think you build your write around it nicely, really nicely. This piece is a strange and compelling blend of sad and hopeful and it's confusing, a little, but good confusing, you know?

    And speaking of hooks, I love the 'my words have been reduced to silver wire puppet strings', I imagine a hook sticking through each sound, dragging on them. And wonder who has the other end of the puppet strings, you or someone else... And then I think you have the control, but for whatever reason you're just pretending, with the words you have, like they aren't what you want or need to say, you know?

    And 'I don't write azure skies to gaze on', I think of you not being able to even day-dream, just being stuck with the bareness of a bare mind, with that emptiness.

    These words form shadows...

    This piece is full of gems like the hook line, really.

    :)
    | Posted on 2010-02-09 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      Can't help but agree the hook is marvelous. And I think with some small changes this poem can be even better.

    S1 - The hook. Only can say Wow! and leave it be.

    S2 - Gone, like your words. Perhaps you can use that and say your words have gone traveling.

    S3 -"and I am left here" Not "dancing" to the sounds, That's too gleeful, just "listening."

    S4 - No need to say "own." It's redundant.

    S5- "that keeps me going" Maybe you should say "can't write." Just a thought.

    S6 - 'the azure skies we gazed / upon, dreaming without'. I think the list of what ain't in the hue is distracting, Why not say "no color in the hue"?

    S7 - "words are only shadows / of how much I care for you, but they"

    On to that great hook line.

    Hope this helps.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2010-01-30 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      Gosh your hook line is a real keeper. I'd trade in a few of my favorite poems for a phrase like that.

    I very much like the structure and your enjambment. it allows this to feel kind of quirky and it's almost as if it's a struggle getting it out there in the open which suits the theme well, and it helps lend importance to changes of tone and contrast where other thoughts flow freely.

    'And these
    words form only shadows
    of how really I feel for you'

    this feels a little less than it might be, although I don't think you need to reach for too much (your last lines take care of that well and truly)

    how really?

    anyway it was the one part of the poem that gave me pause and where i felt what you'd been building to had been let down somewhat.

    Reading this i thought about Johnny Cash, and how this is one cool poem.

    | Posted on 2009-12-14 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      i think its beautifull, and i understand perfectly what you mean. its cutting, and goes right to the heart of the pain, when it is so much that you have to pour out from your breaking and broken heart that words just wont describe how it feels.

    Lady Rose
    | Posted on 2009-08-13 00:00:00 | by Texan_Poet | [ Reply to This ]
      Agree with Hanuman, but I don't agree with changing a poem too much if you're pleased with it to begin with. Use the comments for background learning, and press on, make the next poem! For your poem suggests THEIR poem to any reader - but you can't really do that, in the long run?

    This poem is notable for its SUSTAINED metaphor, about a road, which isn't frantically original, but you use it in an original way and that is good poetry! Now, there is an admixture or departure from this metaphor, early in the poem, where you become a puppet dancing. I see visual scenes when I read, and in this scene, the puppet is dancing in the road
    and gets mashed by a Mack truck. I just couldn't help it! This is the humourous effect of mixed metaphors. If you're American, that would be humorous.

    If your metaphor of the road had just been for one line or one stanza, the puppet in the next bit would be just one of a string of different images, and readers often like that. But the road metaphor is sustained throughout the poem, in fact the poem is built on it (as the other commentators all remarked). Therefore, inserting the puppet image looks funny, because it departs from the road metaphor, you ran off the road ... the only famous poet I can think of who often mixes a metaphor (except for comedy) is Dylan Thomas, who was Welsh, that is Keltic, and the Keltic mind seems entirely constructed of mixed metaphors if you haven't got one yourself, athough if you have, it's all perfectly logical.

    Where was I? Ah, getting mixed up in your road metaphor.

    I also saw the silver strings going up into the sky. Now, the road metaphor is actually about the big sky over the thin road - your OBVIOUS metaphor is a sort of frame for the mighty metaphor of the sky which is seen through it. Well, I saw the siver strings going up into the sky, which was your soul vibrating - and then, like another Mack truck, you switched off the sky in that single powerful line that is split between two stanzas. Your soul and the soul of the lost beloved are for a moment identified together ... a poignant moment. After a moment's disorientation, I felt terribly lonely, the silver strings coming from nowhere, the road extending into colourless negative space, and suddenly the serious meaning of the mixed metaphor came through!

    I know I'm analyzing something that just happened, as works of art just do; but maybe it was worth describing, as a quite subtle technical discovery, because then you can do it again on purpose when you need to. Thus poetry develops from wild dreamspeaking into crafty craftwork - although the artist can trust herself to go further into spontaneous truthfulness whilst the road ahead keeps turning into footprints behind.



    | Posted on 2009-03-02 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem has some good expression in it that I really like. How you described a road, and how you walk the road.

    Its real cool how it just came out in your own words.

    I cant see a damn thing wrong with it either! so you must write quite often.

    I'm not one to pay attention to grammar in a poem (something I'm working on) . I guess so I didn't even really check. but the poem itself was short sweet and fined to your uniqueness. lol

    HEY! KEEP WRITING! YOUR PRETTY GOOD! :-)
    | Posted on 2009-01-03 00:00:00 | by siroez | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Your emotions come through very clearly. Immediately I thought that your line breaks were unexpected and very fitting to the content of the poem, giving it a rhythm of a bare road with your wandering thoughts, if you can picture that . . . but AsiaticFox already covered that, hehe.

    I agree with Arthur's 'clear blue skies' statement. It spells out too much, I feel, and is a common phrase that takes away from your uncommon voice. As far as Soul and Mind . . . he's right about that too, but I wonder if that could be applied to this poem, knowing what I do regarding your feelings of being in tune with something greater than yourself. But then I also wonder, wouldn't that inspire you to create your own image for the Soul, your own image for the Mind?

    But the feelings of a bare road definitely came across. I think it's my wish for you not to be bare, that leaves me with very little to say,

    other than believe in your beauty and your beauty will shine.

    O
    | Posted on 2008-12-31 00:00:00 | by O | [ Reply to This ]
      This poems DOES NOT suck.

    First of all, I like how you used your line breaks. Line breaks are magical things, and if you use them in unexpected ways, it really adds to the piece. Cutting a line and continuing it in the next stanza seems to pull the reader along, much as a rushing river would. If only more writers would do that, seeing as, in my opinion, it helps the reader to go from the beginning of the poem to the end without them realizing it.

    I don't know why, but when I saw "I write the roads", my mind thought of 'I write the songs' for a second. Damn you, Barry Manilow! I don't like him.

    I'd have to say my favourite line was:
    "I don't write clear blue skies to gaze on"

    It has a curious sense of omnipotence to it. Is the person able to draw the sky, but they just refrain from doing it?

    It just feels like a celestial painting to me, that line.

    I shall gaze on at this poem again. It's very well done, and despite what hanuman said, I think it is fine as it is.

    ~Asia
    | Posted on 2008-12-29 00:00:00 | by AsiaticFox | [ Reply to This ]
      You have an interesting idea here that the poet writes his own roads with his thoughts and feelings. It is an idea with great appeal.
    I think you should develop that metaphor more. Talk more about the landscape of your roads, desert trail, city highway, mountain pass whatever. Concentrate on the metaphor of the road and let your readers deduce and infer the feelings that prompt you to write.
    Don't spoil your poem with entities that don't exist like souls and don't start whinging about lost love and absent lovers in so many words. The loneliness and emptiness should be in the description of the road you write.
    Avoid clichés like "clear blue skies". Don't use the word poignant. Make your poem poignant.
    | Posted on 2008-12-29 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]


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