When [this] morning [a]woke me,
beaut[y] was [surrounding me];
because, you only miss light
by [and of] the mean of night.
Its foam - [a] thing we dreamt of -
guaranteed [a] happiness.
[And now I can] see through glass
and walk against walls.
You were wide awake then
now you're asleep;
you only miss light
at the center of [twilight].
I was able to paint the dead
flesh and skin,
but stopped being sublime
seeing the gluttony gallows had.
I'm wide awake.
I want to sleep.
[If] you lose the light,
there's no dawn after night.
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I kind of gave up editing after a while. At the beginning, if some of my edits make no sense it's because I tried to maintain a 7 syllable meter. I also thought 'twilight' was too great an edit to passover, and I mean you repeat light and night enough in this poem that twilight kind of deserved a place. I sort of see where you're going with this, but I find it a little redundant and superfluous. I don't know why you talk about 'foam' at one point.. the only real link to the rest of the poem I made through the word 'effervescence' which is literally ebullition (which can look like foam) but the word also has the second meaning of joy, or happiness. But even that was somewhat far-fetched. 'I was able to paint the dead' I think you're trying to hint at the fact that the person was or is so close to death that he seems akin to death. And perhaps in that model for artistes sense this analogy of your could make sense, but if that's what you were going for you should probably tighten up the words, to make it clearer.
Otherwise, work on your punctuation.... I know it might be or seem idiotic that punctuation should matter in poetry, but it does.. Just like in prose! Try to follow the same rules. Although, line breaks stipulate a pause, so if you're adding things at the end of each line to postpone the reading, forget it.
And um, sadly, I totally understand this poem. It isn't sad because your poem is of a bit stature, but because I know what these indolent days feel like.. Ugh. I'm still questioning whether or not it matters..
Submission Name: Days of indolence
