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The Evolution of the Guiltless


Author: Katrinagolden
ASL Info:    27/F/chicago
Elite Ratio:    7.22 - 228 /213 /53
Words: 141
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1076
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1002



Description:


comments are welcomed, anything suggestions are always appreciated...just passing thoughts I wanted to post


The Evolution of the Guiltless



Come and see what our world has become
Look inside your heart
And witness the void that lives within

View the evolution of the guiltless
They live without fear, without conscience, without judgement

You will find no Flagellants here
The whips have long been vanished

The guilt that once existed was easily extinguished
Everyone lied to relieve their conscience
Lies and excuses dominated the world
Deceit became habit

Witness the evolution of the guiltless
They live without fear or remorse
They live freely with no conscience

No master rules their lives
Anarchy has begun
Souls have long vanished

The evolution has created beings without guilt
Souls that do not feel
Empathy is lost

Come and see the evolution of the guiltless
Voidless men with no souls

Witness the end of the world




Submitted on 2008-12-30 04:18:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I admire this poem for the context it possesses. Reading this made me picture of an announcer in the good old days trying to convince fellow men to enter their tent and witness a creature never seen by the public eye. I don't know, that's my picture which I loved by the way.

My only trouble with this piece is that it used to many repitition that did not strenghtened the piece but rather made it repetitive. To me, it seemed the announcer has done this everyday and it's no longer an interest to him to keep going and announcing what is inside this tent. The announcer isn't interested himself in what's inside the tent. I don't know, it feels like you got a bit stuck in the middle of it and couldn't figure out how to broaden it up.

I would suggest to collide the meaning of evolution, guiltless, and the end of the world with the same tone and the same idea only a bit more developed. It's an awesome piece that needs a little bit of push and I think you got it in the first place. You just got to keep going at it.

Once again. Loved the entire concept of this piece.
Excellent idea.

Enjoy your day.

Irina
| Posted on 2009-04-21 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this poem has a very good idea behind it, and it is very driven. It is an original poem, which I admire.

However, I think that you could try to find a little more rhythm in this piece besides just repetition. Also, you might not want to have the word "world" twice in the fourth stanza, but that's just a suggestion.

Again, this is a great idea (and uses great vocabulary) but you might just want to go through and rework it a little bit.
| Posted on 2008-12-30 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ]


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