Come and see what our world has become
Look inside your heart
And witness the void that lives within
View the evolution of the guiltless
They live without fear, without conscience, without judgement
You will find no Flagellants here
The whips have long been vanished
The guilt that once existed was easily extinguished
Everyone lied to relieve their conscience
Lies and excuses dominated the world
Deceit became habit
Witness the evolution of the guiltless
They live without fear or remorse
They live freely with no conscience
No master rules their lives
Anarchy has begun
Souls have long vanished
The evolution has created beings without guilt
Souls that do not feel
Empathy is lost
Come and see the evolution of the guiltless
Voidless men with no souls
Witness the end of the world
| I admire this poem for the context it possesses. Reading this made me picture of an announcer in the good old days trying to convince fellow men to enter their tent and witness a creature never seen by the public eye. I don't know, that's my picture which I loved by the way.|
My only trouble with this piece is that it used to many repitition that did not strenghtened the piece but rather made it repetitive. To me, it seemed the announcer has done this everyday and it's no longer an interest to him to keep going and announcing what is inside this tent. The announcer isn't interested himself in what's inside the tent. I don't know, it feels like you got a bit stuck in the middle of it and couldn't figure out how to broaden it up.
I would suggest to collide the meaning of evolution, guiltless, and the end of the world with the same tone and the same idea only a bit more developed. It's an awesome piece that needs a little bit of push and I think you got it in the first place. You just got to keep going at it.
Once again. Loved the entire concept of this piece.
Enjoy your day.
|| Posted on 2009-04-21 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ] || I think this poem has a very good idea behind it, and it is very driven. It is an original poem, which I admire.|
However, I think that you could try to find a little more rhythm in this piece besides just repetition. Also, you might not want to have the word "world" twice in the fourth stanza, but that's just a suggestion.
Again, this is a great idea (and uses great vocabulary) but you might just want to go through and rework it a little bit.
|| Posted on 2008-12-30 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ] |