Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: By the entrancedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: tZar
    ASL Info:    30/M
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 142/98/33
    Words: 214
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 93
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1419



    Description:
       A few minor adjustments in 5.
    Still I leave the numbers - it has to be like that.

    Feel free to nitpick, comment or otherwise. I shall try to comment back if I feel like it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBy the entrancedots
    -------------------------------------------


    1.
    In the dream
    by the entrance to your tomb
    you stopped me
    with the same words, as I myself
    had spoken in a dream
    where I were dead before you

    so I can no longer dream.

    2.
    Rusty, and on screaming hinges
    all the gates, I ever
    had seen, heard or described
    one by one
    closed under the grey sky.

    3.
    What shall I say about the world
    where your ashes stands in an urn
    other than this?

    4.
    On every journey you leave in advance.
    On the platform I see your tracks in newly fallen snow.
    When the train take its course
    You jump out of the hindmost carriage

    to arrive at the next station before me.

    5.
    Outside the small villages with their sleepy streetlights:
    stadiums as radiant as capitals.

    Your glasses glints under the light.

    Where else would you look for the ring
    that, the night when the power failed,
    rolled under the bed and was gone?

    6.
    “I do too.”
    were my last words to you
    in the telephone
    when you said you missed me.
    I do too, Eternity!

    7.
    You are gone.

    Three words. And not one
    of them
    now exist in any

    other context.




    Submitted on 2008-12-30 04:54:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      you've grown in your poetry, mr thomas. i think you've found your voice more fully in some way. this is more defined, strong in what you have to say. enervated. micro and macrocosmic. focusing on the small and the big. details, i'm always interested. that essence, my ears always swivel to find it.
    it's here.

    by the entrance, this figure seems to be a focal point for lost love or faith perhaps: a literal lover or a jesus-figure, bear with me now. a tomb: the holy sepulchre, the moment before rebirth. train-tracks: a journey, inside of you, or outside, it doesn't matter. train-stations: the various hindrances you have to slow down for, for whatever reason. your destination: foggy, undecided, yet real, a final goodbye.

    sadness, overall.
    yet resolution.
    | Posted on 2009-01-05 00:00:00 | by meoww | [ Reply to This ]
      this was a very interesting and induling write i will have to say...i do not like though how you had the numbers...it threw me off a bit...but other than that i will agree with lourilke....it did remind me of Poe...it was a bit haunting in some ways but when the read was finished you get that feel of an eternity or want and longing and caught up in a fog of memoreies you can't forget with those three words...anyways good write....but in the future i would suggest to keeps the numbers out...my personal opinion...you don't have to take it if you don't want it
    ~taintedsmiles
    | Posted on 2008-12-31 00:00:00 | by taintedsmiles | [ Reply to This ]
      I like your use of the poetic phrase, the way it cuts at just the right moment and leads to the next line. This could be read out loud very nicely, indeed!

    I love "Rusty, and on screaming hinges" as it take a common thing and creeps up on you like a horror flick like an Poe Rendition.

    This is a haunting write... It reminds me of some of my writing, Poe is an influence for me, as well as Rilke so I see that in your writing too, even if they are not your inspirations.

    good job!
    | Posted on 2008-12-30 00:00:00 | by LouRilke | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.