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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Old and wisedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Khaled AbdAllah
    ASL Info:    22 - male - Egypt
    Elite Ratio:    4.2 - 129/137/30
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 583
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 667



    Description:
       I think I what I want to say will be clear for everybody. I hope you will enjoy it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOld and wisedots
    -------------------------------------------


    An old and wise lady; curves covering
    her face and her soft hands.
    At the first time, I thought she was
    absent-minded..But she recognized
    me and started to talk to me
    about her past and how she stood
    side by side with her dead husband.

    She told me about my ancestors and
    how their life was and how hard and
    tough and how they were satisfied
    with the obstacles and burdens that
    faced them..

    At this moment; I wished that my wife
    would hear her stories and learn the
    lesson.We must live our life as it is
    with its sweet and hard matters.




    Submitted on 2008-12-31 20:09:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      very intense , keeps you going , execellent flow , good word choice , your thoughts are so deep and narrow to the point , the detail is very intriguing, great poem , keep writing
    | Posted on 2009-04-15 00:00:00 | by JoJoCrab | [ Reply to This ]
      
    "Old and wise"


    This title is very straightforward. It is drawn directly out of the poem. I usually don't like doing that (though sometimes it seems right), and I don't think it really works for this poem. The "wise" part of the title is relevant -- it echoes throughout the entirety of the poem -- but including "old" in the title doesn't make sense to me personally. The fact the she is old doesn't affect the content of her words. You might want to consider changing this.

    @@-An old and wise lady; curves covering
    her face and her soft hands.@@

    I love these lines. I think they are the most poetic parts of this poem. I especially like the way you say that the curves are "covering" her face and hands. I think if you kept up this level of writing through your whole poem, I wouldn't need to comment at all. The only suggestion I have is to get rid of the second "her" before "soft hands", as it is rather superfluous.

    @@-For the first time, I thought she was
    absent-minded..But she recognized
    me and started to talk to me
    about her past and how she standed
    side by side with her dead husband. @@

    The first sentence of this section doesn't make sense to me. Did you mean "at first" instead of "for the first time"? Because this way it seems as if you have seen this woman before, and the rest of the poem doesn't really fit. But maybe that's just me.

    Other than that I would only make a few small corrections, like getting rid of the second period after "absent-minded" and changing "standed" to "stood" to make it grammatically correct.

    @@-She told me about my ancestors and
    how was their life and how hard and
    tough and how they were satisfied
    with the obstacles and burdens that
    faced them..@@

    I like the idea in this poem, the old woman telling you the stories of your past, but some of the phrasing seems a bit off. A suggestion I have for you is to change "how was their life" to "how their life was". Also, when you say "how hard and tough" are you still talking about their lives? Because if so, you might want to combine those two ideas concerning their lives to make things clearer.

    @@-At this moment, I wished that my wife
    would hear her stories and learn the
    lesson.We must live our life as it is
    with its sweet and hard matters.@@

    This end bit is good. It gives the lesson of the poem clearly and wraps everything up very neatly. My own personal preference would be to have a colon instead of the first period, but your way works just as well.

    This poem has a lot of good potential! Keep working!
    | Posted on 2008-12-31 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ]


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