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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Beautiful Minddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dax
    ASL Info:    35 male BC Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.87 - 127/127/42
    Words: 90
    Class/Type: Poetry/Friendship
    Total Views: 62
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 595



    Description:
       To a friend of mine, Samantha that defeated her epilepsy with surgery that might not have worked.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Beautiful Minddots
    -------------------------------------------


    There was a girl
    whose mind had seiged
    in war against her body.
    Once it had seized
    its' precious prize,
    a little of her soul.
    To dash her dreams
    inside her head,
    inches at a time.
    Until the day
    she took to sword,
    and slayed the dreadful beast.
    A piece of mind
    for peace of mind,
    a chance to say the least.
    Now whole again
    though some has gone,
    she cast away behind.
    To be a girl
    to seek out prose
    for a beautiful mind.

    January 3, 2008




    Submitted on 2009-01-03 22:15:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is essentially a good poem, a beautiful poem. The whole makes sense, but the details don't. It well deserves a little editing.
    Firstly : whose mind had seiged
    in war against her body.
    What do you mean to say exactly? There is strictly speaking no such verb as to siege (or seige). You can be besieged or you can lay siege to. Which is doing which to what?

    Maybe:
    There was a girl
    whose mind was besieged
    in war by her body.

    Now it is a little unclear once more who is seizing what and "its" most certainly doesn't have an apostrophe!

    Maybe"
    Which once it had seized
    its precious prize,
    a little of her soul,
    Dashed her dreams
    inside her head,
    inches at a time.

    The past tense of "slay" is not "slayed" but "slew" which sounds a whole lot better.

    I love your: A piece of mind
    for peace of mind,


    You probably know exactly what you mean by" a chance to say the least.
    but I don't. Could you reword that line?

    Your last lines"
    Now whole again
    though some has gone,
    she cast away behind.
    To be a girl
    to seek out prose
    for a beautiful mind.

    need some serious attention to punctuation. Even in poetry a sentence has the right to be punctuated as a sentence.

    Lastly why is she seeking out prose?? Why not music? Why not poetry? Please elucidate.

    So, once again in conclusion, the whole is strangely effective despite the faults, but it would be very well worth while correcting those faults.


    | Posted on 2009-01-04 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]



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