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    dots Submission Name: Upon Watching Ice-Fishermendots

    Author: WhatYouWill
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 65/76/35
    Words: 124
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1179
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 749

       completely reworked and edited
    many parts cut
    less punctuation, capitalization

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUpon Watching Ice-Fishermendots

    there is a wide blue river that cuts through the frozen lake,
    I can smell the electric scent of water,
    and I feel that I am drifting in the world

    a lost balloon

    I am held to the earth only by the stark contrast of water to ice,
    blue eating away at the broad sweep of white,
    but the winter is thawing and I got a C on my biology exam

    I drift up,
    into the ionosphere

    the bright balloon that is me hears liquid voices far below:
    cyan sopranos,
    a deep cobalt bass,
    the shrill cry of cerulean water
    ripped from the womb of the ocean as a

    I wonder when I will drift home

    Submitted on 2009-01-04 20:30:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i am born again as spring thaws the white and more blue shows itself.

    i like the rebirth in this...i like how the piece transcends the ordinary in a way that makes extraordinary....the images are really strong...and the mixing in of the line about the "C" on the biology test...
    i like how that splices real life into the aesthetic dreaminess of the rest of the piece.
    nice contrast...brings us back to reality, but shows that there is reality that brings joy to us also...

    really like this one.

    | Posted on 2011-07-02 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      lovely sentiments here, which i'm in full accordance with, you dreamer, you. to escape and be free, untroubled with endless longing which always breaks through, no matter how much one suppresses it: this is the overall feeling i got from this, i guess.

    this is written with brevity and insight and passion.
    my one critique would be to get rid of your last three lines, purely because it doesn't seem to fit with the mood you set here.

    but really, this was lovely to read.

    p.s. hrm, as an afterthought, your last three lines do work; it's just that, i dunno, it seems so blunt compared with the rest of this. i'm in the middle regarding this previous assertion of mine.
    fat load of help i am, right?
    | Posted on 2009-01-07 00:00:00 | by meoww | [ Reply to This ]
      there are several things that i like about this, particularly -

    'the shrill cries of the water ripped
    from the womb of the ocean.'

    (lots of the here) just a thought -

    the shrill cries of water ripped
    from the womb of ocean ... or something ???

    it makes me think of waves having come from somewhere deep (not sure why, or if i can even articulate how it feels to me) and
    how small they must feel on top of a great expanse. (or like a baby born and screaming having left it's warm place).

    also -

    and when will I wish

    rain has always been a cleanser of sorts. i am reminded of wet sidewalks, or slow drips, or a calming sound. (maybe i am just weird). as well, tears (though it doesn't feel like a cliché).

    (I only give up hope
    when there is some chance
    that I am wrong.)

    can't tell you how many times i have been in this exact same spot.

    anyhoo, i liked this. it makes me feel like i am on a frozen lake observing, pondering, thinking things through with a tinge of loneliness inserted.

    i like your voice.

    | Posted on 2009-01-05 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]

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