Internal Struggles by Swimming Bird

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Submission Name: Internal Struggles dots

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Author:	Swimming Bird
ASL Info:	31/m/AR
Elite Ratio:	5.36 - 92/90/27
Words:	193

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	1077
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1374

Description:
I cleaned up the end a little bit, but I'm still not happy with the last couplet.

Internal Struggles dots

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There is a world I try to hide.
Dark and scary, deep inside.
Slowly, it will conquer me.
Piece by piece, becoming free.
I don't know how to stop its march.
It fills me with its evil starch,
Corrodes me with its blood-like acid,
Keeping me from being placid.

Who can truly fend it off?
To it, I'm just another quaff.
Just a tiny grain of sand,
Another piece of conqered land.
I need a hero. Yes it's true,
This White Knight has fallen, too.
And when you come to build the fire
High upon my funeral pyre,
I pray my sacrifice had chance
To stop its ne're-ending advance.

Must I live only to lose?
No! I won't! I refuse!
I won't give in! I'll never quit!
This intruder will remit.
Even though my wounds aren't healed,
I will make this demon yield.
I will end this dreadful blight.
I'll show it what it means to fight.
With every single ounce I give,
I'll prove that I deserve to live.
I will stem this tide of war,
So inner peace can be restored.

Submitted on 2009-01-08 01:31:50 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Is this the piece you were talking about? I really like it...I mean I dont really like it because you never talked to be about this stuff and I am upset that you felt so damaged, dark, and depressed...I mean after all that you have helped me and my sister through I would like to help you as well.

I agree with what both you and the person who commented on this piece said. You need a stronger end...how about something about the struggle? You know a whole rising from the ashes bit...I would give you a few lines that could work but I am having a poetic block myself, and it really is your write. Hmm...you know what I am saying right though?

Miss you,
Flora
| Posted on 2009-01-09 00:00:00 | by blankscreen | [ Reply to This ]
you know what i thought this was very strong the whole way through except for the end.

It will not gain another inch.
It will retreat, pinch by pinch.
To its stronghold it will trek,
So I can, then, keep it in check.

maybe it's just the way i'm reading it, but the way the poem builds momentum this last part seems relatively down played to me. no offense, i thought the rest of the poem was well crafted. The imagery seemed to stay all very grounded

There is a world I try to hide.
Dark and scary, deep inside.
Slowly, it will conquer me.
Piece by piece, becoming free.
I don't know how to stop its march.
It fills me with its evil starch,
Corrodes me with its blood-like acid,
Keeping me from being placid.

to me i see this as like the image of a person, then it goes inside this person.

i like the idea of the starch, never heard it put that way(as if i'm 100 percent sure of what it is). giving it's "internal struggle" makes me think of mental struggles including depression, bi-polar....title.....lable...etc....... but the imagery for some reason makes me think of the outside of a barren castle. someone before some great trial, debating his own outcome or victory against this force. perhaps the evil "starch" is all it is. thenext stanza carries this environment for me too.

I pray my sacrifice had chance
To stop its ne're-ending advance.

lost as to what sacrifice its referring too, but sacrifice is a loose word...so that might be me not following.

It will not gain another inch.
It will retreat, pinch by pinch.
To its stronghold it will trek,
So I can, then, keep it in check.

i'm having a hard time placing pinching in. i know its to imply the antagonist sorta fighting back....but with everything else tied in so nicely, and built up in tone.... it seems very anti climactic. but that's not really to say it cancels out the rest of the piece.

i still think it's good work and i might check out more of your stuff later.

| Posted on 2009-01-08 00:00:00 | by cornonthekob | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.