Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Internal Strugglesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Swimming Bird
    ASL Info:    31/m/AR
    Elite Ratio:    5.36 - 92/90/27
    Words: 193
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 982
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1374



    Description:
       I cleaned up the end a little bit, but I'm still not happy with the last couplet.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInternal Strugglesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    There is a world I try to hide.
    Dark and scary, deep inside.
    Slowly, it will conquer me.
    Piece by piece, becoming free.
    I don't know how to stop its march.
    It fills me with its evil starch,
    Corrodes me with its blood-like acid,
    Keeping me from being placid.

    Who can truly fend it off?
    To it, I'm just another quaff.
    Just a tiny grain of sand,
    Another piece of conqered land.
    I need a hero. Yes it's true,
    This White Knight has fallen, too.
    And when you come to build the fire
    High upon my funeral pyre,
    I pray my sacrifice had chance
    To stop its ne're-ending advance.

    Must I live only to lose?
    No! I won't! I refuse!
    I won't give in! I'll never quit!
    This intruder will remit.
    Even though my wounds aren't healed,
    I will make this demon yield.
    I will end this dreadful blight.
    I'll show it what it means to fight.
    With every single ounce I give,
    I'll prove that I deserve to live.
    I will stem this tide of war,
    So inner peace can be restored.




    Submitted on 2009-01-08 01:31:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Is this the piece you were talking about? I really like it...I mean I dont really like it because you never talked to be about this stuff and I am upset that you felt so damaged, dark, and depressed...I mean after all that you have helped me and my sister through I would like to help you as well.

    I agree with what both you and the person who commented on this piece said. You need a stronger end...how about something about the struggle? You know a whole rising from the ashes bit...I would give you a few lines that could work but I am having a poetic block myself, and it really is your write. Hmm...you know what I am saying right though?

    Miss you,
    Flora
    | Posted on 2009-01-09 00:00:00 | by blankscreen | [ Reply to This ]
      you know what i thought this was very strong the whole way through except for the end.

    It will not gain another inch.
    It will retreat, pinch by pinch.
    To its stronghold it will trek,
    So I can, then, keep it in check.

    maybe it's just the way i'm reading it, but the way the poem builds momentum this last part seems relatively down played to me. no offense, i thought the rest of the poem was well crafted. The imagery seemed to stay all very grounded

    There is a world I try to hide.
    Dark and scary, deep inside.
    Slowly, it will conquer me.
    Piece by piece, becoming free.
    I don't know how to stop its march.
    It fills me with its evil starch,
    Corrodes me with its blood-like acid,
    Keeping me from being placid.

    to me i see this as like the image of a person, then it goes inside this person.

    i like the idea of the starch, never heard it put that way(as if i'm 100 percent sure of what it is). giving it's "internal struggle" makes me think of mental struggles including depression, bi-polar....title.....lable...etc....... but the imagery for some reason makes me think of the outside of a barren castle. someone before some great trial, debating his own outcome or victory against this force. perhaps the evil "starch" is all it is. thenext stanza carries this environment for me too.

    I pray my sacrifice had chance
    To stop its ne're-ending advance.

    lost as to what sacrifice its referring too, but sacrifice is a loose word...so that might be me not following.

    It will not gain another inch.
    It will retreat, pinch by pinch.
    To its stronghold it will trek,
    So I can, then, keep it in check.

    i'm having a hard time placing pinching in. i know its to imply the antagonist sorta fighting back....but with everything else tied in so nicely, and built up in tone.... it seems very anti climactic. but that's not really to say it cancels out the rest of the piece.

    i still think it's good work and i might check out more of your stuff later.

    | Posted on 2009-01-08 00:00:00 | by cornonthekob | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    169829

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    just lonesome. written by MyPeriodical
    What its like written by robbie
    Escape written by Pyrosis
    The Veil written by Swimming Bird
    Abyss (credit to Carina) written by Debauchery
    undaunted written by teika5
    Remnants written by Soul-Hugger
    BackLash written by MyPeriodical
    Expectations written by taintedsmiles
    bleeding part one written by MyPeriodical
    A Dream Within a Dream (My favorite EAP poem) written by Debauchery
    Bust written by Daniel Barlow
    Cansansio written by MyPeriodical
    a war on her beautiful house (bre'anna's written by Daniel Barlow
    Humanity's Loss, Humanity's Gain | prt t written by MyPeriodical
    I Just Want to Have Fun written by SavedDragon
    Ahogo written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    In case you didn't know written by BestxDeceptions
    i would... written by Awkward
    911 written by Soul-Hugger
    Layin Tracks in Here written by teika5
    One OF Millions written by TeslaKoyal
    Next to you written by robbie
    Understanding the pain of growth written by MyPeriodical
    The Depths written by obsidiandreams
    El Llanto Los Libra written by MyPeriodical
    Buddy written by TeslaKoyal
    Somewhere It's Always Morning written by Soul-Hugger
    untitled written by Outlaw

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry