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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I Observe Two Strangers, Possibly In Lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: liquid
    Elite Ratio:    4.78 - 35/48/13
    Words: 169
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1072
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1074



    Description:
       a love poem to the people I don't know. and to you.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Observe Two Strangers, Possibly In Lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    oh the colors of the eyes I have not seen
    melting together as June snowdrifts
    pouring themselves into sea shells

    I wonder at the things which they have seen
    or not seen
    or forgotten,
    or remembered.

    I say:
    I am yours and you are mine
    because we were both forged from the same hot
    furnaces of the suns
    and because I give myself to you.
    to have me and hold me, humanity.

    I say:
    oh eyes
    in my wanderings I have glimpsed you.
    sometimes you are a hundred tiny hands reaching for warmth.
    sometimes you are the hundred fallen in leaves that congregate
    in the gutters.

    and when the stars blink they are you.
    and when I blink
    so many of you blink with me.

    but the dark beneath my eyelids is not shared.

    oh eyes, your eyes,
    which I have never seen,
    your gray, your green, your blue, your brown eyes,

    and all of them opening like flowers!




    Submitted on 2009-01-08 03:13:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Overall assessment?

    This is a pretty poem. This is a beautiful poem. I added it as a favorite because, you know, it just made me happy.

    (However, I agree with saartha's sort-of grumblings about the exclamation point. It surprised me when I reached the end of the poem. It surprised me a lot.)

    I think that I like the tone you're going for in this poem: the love you're expressing is very nicely wide open. Because of this it loses some of the delicious personal detail that some love poems are just crawling with, but it leaves room for so much more.

    I don't know if I'm misinterpreting this, but this poem seems like a world that stretches forever in all directions -- the inclusion of stars and suns alongside the leaf-clogged gutters is wonderful.

    There is only one thing that is bothering me -- the ending. Now, I promised myself I would only mention the exclamation point once, but I'm breaking that vow. I'm really sorry, but I just didn't like it. It didn't give me the happy vibe -- it gave me the emphatic! vibe. It gave me the yay, enthusiastic! vibe. Which i didn't think fit in very well. But, hey, it's your poem. Feel free to ignore me.

    Other than that though, I really really liked this poem. Especially the blinking stars part and the humanity rhyme.
    | Posted on 2010-03-26 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ]
      (i like june snowdrifts. this strange alternate universe in which i've been placed has had snow in june. it's a sick world.)








    i like this. i want this. maybe i'm in a useless, silly state with whimsy and heartbrokenness tumbling from my eyelashes and fingernails... but this feels right, at the moment. it feels weightier and more beautiful than a lot of things i've seen lately.

    but then again, words are always more beautiful and weightier than stupidsad things.




    yikes.
    i'm tired.
    i know i must be tired and irrational to not mind the exclamations mark ending

    either that, or it works, and it's right, and it fits, and it really is beautiful.







    why do i like this so much?
    where is my head?

    and now, i see you expect an Overall Assessment, and i'm a little disheartened.

    tomorrow. maybe tomorrow i'll feel better, and i'll send you a nicely thorough critique, the likes of which you really want.
    tomorrow.
    tomorrow, i only have to write a few things and then i'm free.

    yes. tomorrow.

    i'll be back.








    | Posted on 2009-01-14 00:00:00 | by trouble | [ Reply to This ]
      (Aargh nooo, not the dreaded exclamation mark finish!
    This has nothing to do with the actual poem, but I can't stand exclamation marks at the end of poems. I know it was all the rage there for a while [and by a while, I mean several hundred years], but it just grates at me for some reason. I guess to me it gives a false lilt, a pseudo-happy girl squeal. I can't make myself enjoy it. But this is a rant and completely personal peeve, and has no actual bearing on your piece. So just ignore all that.)

    Thus and so anyway: this is a cute poem. I think the most interesting part to me is 'the hundred fallen in leaves ...' because I read it three times before I noticed that you hadn't just said 'fallen leaves,' and I didn't know what to make of that for a bit.

    Also I like 'to have me and hold me, humanity' because it is a delicious rhyme and a beautiful concept.

    Lines I did not like: hot furnaces of suns, because I have heard it before. June snowdrifts, because it came across like a 'ha ha, do you see what I did there' joke.

    But this is lovely. I knew I wasn't erring when I added you to my stalk list.
    | Posted on 2009-01-09 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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