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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: firedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: annie smith
    ASL Info:    20/f
    Elite Ratio:    5.26 - 75/61/24
    Words: 76
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 513
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 527



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsfiredots
    -------------------------------------------


    Shining bright throught the night
    Warming the air so cold and bare
    Passionitly dancing, on logs it is prancing
    Smoke it is sending into the wind unending
    So nice and warm aside the blistering storm
    So beautiful to admire, that pretty little fire
    The flams of red, like glowing lead
    Are so myistical, even egotitical!
    Flitting, flying, fading, dying
    Dancing around till its crackeling sound
    Pops and drops
    its final tone, its dyng moan





    Submitted on 2009-01-09 21:37:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the way you enjoy rhyme and playing with words and their sounds.

    Firstly let's fix up those nasty spelling errors. When you publish something for scrutiny, you must carefully proofread your work first.

    Shining bright through the night;
    Warming the air so cold and bare;
    Passionately dancing, on logs it is prancing;
    Smoke it is sending into the wind unending;
    So nice and warm aside the blistering storm;
    So beautiful to admire, that pretty little fire.
    The flames of red, like glowing lead
    Are so mystical, even egotistical!
    Flitting, flying, fading, dying
    Dancing around till its crackling sound
    Pops and drops;
    its final tone, its dying moan.

    Now make sure that it makes sense. To rhyme alone is not sufficient justification for a word. For example is the air really bare? What is bare air? If at first you don't succeed, try again to find a word that both rhymes and makes sense (glare, flare etc.)
    You've probably never seen lead glowing red, because before it could glow red, it in fact melts and goes from dull grey not to red, but to bright silver.

    Now, why on earth are your flames egotistical? I hope not just to rhyme with "mystical"!!
    To reiterate, it is good that you are experimenting with rhyme, but take much more care with sense. You should be the mistress of rhyme. Use it to serve you. Do not let it lead you by the nose.
    | Posted on 2009-01-09 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      A charming poem, simple and pure. While appreciative of this particular element of nature, you have several grammatical errors which take away from your writing, they truly hurt the lines. An extensive vocabulary is important in most forms of poetry, and you have surely employed your here. Well done, perhaps just a few spelling mistakes and you have an overall quality piece of writing.

    Tony
    | Posted on 2009-01-09 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]


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