My morning sunshine and my nights dream wait all these restless years have I... A sigh for a sacrifice or a curse of a boon to say, that my life be not given up for you. “When” is the question? Having no control over time, all that I can do is, wait. Time as such does not have any mercy. What will it take to make a dream come true? You though are not material makes things more complicated. Unique are my prospective of you but each humans life lasts in its own wish. Your thought to match mine makes normal life the easy part. A heart of innocence, a love with grace and a life with a purpose as you, as I wait in the haunted darkness in my heart. Shall you not light me up even when you may be worlds apart... I ask.
The dark side of me....
As a candle light gets farther, so does the shadow decrease. Irrelevant is the purpose of a shadow when there is darkness all around. Fear in my heart that one day soon that darkness will spawn the evil growing in me. Evil in a societal prospective grows in me as sanity becomes a word in history. Help is all I cry out.
The dying love....
Winds blowing across the clear blue sky under the scorching sun and a small tree in the middle of the desert to give me shade. Under the shade of my love is what I dream't for an angel to hold me. Fumbling/Sifting through all the scars in my god forsaken life I sought out for an endless search.
For a weak hearted person, I was born with inbuilt thoughts filled with a sarcastic and sadistic nature. Everything had to always be perfect – perfection was a morbid obsession at its best and a macabre of fanatical passion at its worst. The only thing that was running through my mothers mind on 27th march 1985 was whether she would like me or not. No wonder the hormones of those thoughts passed on into me creating and sculpting me as I am. A sub standard person to say born with no minimal talent but with an edge in intelligence. The only reply for that question till now is, make your own choice upon your own rules. Just because someone proves that something is right doesn’t necessarily mean it is right or that you accept it as right. This decision making hyperactive brain of mine asked ‘Father show me god’. Well he couldn’t and I remained conspicuous that the idea of god is a phony one and viewed the belief of the same by many as an act of mob hypnotism perpetuated through centuries by selfish zealots over gullible masses.
God at last....
She fed me all these years. She ate only after she was satisfied that I had eaten well. She went through all the pain in her life to raise me and that goddess of mine.... my mother whom I love so much that I am forever under her debt. My father, who gave all his effort in spite of the difficulties he had, my greatest honor, goes to him. My both eyes were there and they couldn’t see that two gods were looking after me. It was like my eyes could see through a blind persons love. There was yet something missing.
The missing piece of the puzzle....
All that keeps us alive is nature and what more supreme can anything be. The parent of all the trees was the ultimate destination. Purpose of life rather took its own turn. Love I knew instinctively as purpose. An eight year old guy and love, one would not expect real love. Well I realized it. A glance of Maya that I felt that day and from there started my endless search.
She was nature herself with all the grace in the world. Something stopped me even though nothing was in my way. I got a heart breaking reply that she was simply not interested even to meet me. Sadism reached its height and made me a pessimist with an optimistic view. Such instances would occur to me all the time – well I never thought that was right but till now it holds good. I knew what I wanted but yet I not find a dream that fast was a bad thing to realize. Luck in this matter was nowhere near me.
Days passed in a whim and nights with gloomy dreams of pain and anger. Thoughts meant nothing but a bit more exaggerating pain. I sought out a way by means of which to get my dream a concept which I call as mode of appreciation. Poems written in a manner to express the beauty at sight rather than to propose is what it means. Expression as a perfectionist had to be flawless. First started the glance of what a poem meant. ‘A horrible dream’ the classic of my poem which I yet adore to be perfect is one of them that inspired me to write further. But this one was expressed in pain of a real dream that I had.
“I had a dream which I can never forget,
Even now I remember yet,
The king size bird ripping my liver and I couldn’t say a word.
I fought with it,
I tried to kill it,
But I didn’t have any wit.
I got up I was alive I seem,
Oh! What a horrible dream.”
And so it was the most and last of all the horrible dreams that I had. Dreams as such had become reality.
Fury of time....
Times toll had come to its presence. A dream that came by once more at the age of almost innocence, she was a dream that never came true.
A part of me was in her. An eye that said, come to me. I love you is all that I had to say. Two years and not even a single word with her but silence had spoken all. I knew she liked me as though we were of one soul. This feeling that I had never blossomed in me was up to its peak. This was something one would not categorize as an infatuation or real love. It was just something that I had for her. A heart, that was broken and was in pain as it remained incomplete with itself just shattered.
A withered Rose....
As silence broke all over my world, an endless dream changed to an endless search. She had my heart that was never broken and she had the eyes that smiled at me and said good bye. Immortal death was a stage that I had reached. As my thoughts lingered away to my hearts night, a new life emerged in the four years that passed which pitch forked me in a societal aspect. A degree is what was required to do a job of a coder which I could have done well without it. Four years of horror with lots of fun to say. The first of which passed in a whim although the rules just loosened up. The sleepless nights that I had staying away from home were just a bit of excitement. When nights came around it was party time for all but my eyes thoughts wouldn’t give in to my dream that I had just left.
Time cures and the heart got colder. Summer shivered with an essence of someone around still alive. I rather decided to play around with her. She was a pawn in my chess game which I had to perfect and someone had to sacrifice. Even though I felt bad for it there was no other choice. I pretended a false crush which I was never in. A style of poetry had started in me which I would say to be the most effective mode of appreciation for someone. It was meant to break a women’s heart by gluing it up. She actually fell for it and something evil inside me told goodbye. Before leaving she did say not to do that again to someone but it was wild fun.
My first job in a company started with a reason. I saw the most beautiful piece of art that I couldn’t help not to admire. I knew from the very beginning that her heart was to someone else but the game had not yet ended. The epitome of a poetic appreciation that I had tried to create from the start had come to life. She triggered all my senses and the masterpiece was thus created. I gave to her as a mode of appreciation. I did like her but she kind of got pissed of by my behavior. It was fun trying to break someone's love but heartbreaking to find the bare truth that I never wanted to hear from a women. A line that thy self is an ugly duckling and what more do you want. The laughing joker had cried all these years and cried one last time.
She lost me for sure but yet I wait for an angel to touch my heart and make me cry. Her eyes now belonged to me, a name forever written in my heart and an eye that will always watch me till death, those eyes to embrace....
Silence in a move, words in despair,
A light in the dark for a dream to be.
Can a dream come true in a life with hope?
A dream in reality my love to see.
Words too many with a drop of a tear,
God in itself to cry for a dew.
Death in life with a smile on your face,
Thousands of words to say I love you.
A heart that beats with a purpose in life,
Purpose I find eternity in a gaze.
Love in life for a dream to come true,
Find shall I forever your eyes to embrace.
She had gone away from my life and as she went spawned the hunter who hunted thyself. A black rose symbolized the grave and cold hearted being that was me. As I walked down any street around me was pain and pain only. A beggar with his leg cut off, an old women almost in the stage of death and I just walked passed by them. It was as if I liked the scenario engulfed in sorrow.
A woman came running towards me. She gave me a leaflet and a lily rose and said if you can help sir it is for a simple donation for blind school kids. I gave her some amount and she left me with a lily rose and a leaflet that read ‘thank you for feeding me this once’.
I felt furious of giving her that money. People must die as for someone to die is for someone to live. The whole day I was just mad at myself.
A sigh of hope....
Back to work where the monotonous work scenario brought me back to the real picture helped me with someone to guide me in this search. She is a friend indeed whom I had enjoyed sharing my daunting life’s story. After days of her convincing me that the money was not in vain made me forget the money itself.
Office had to be formal but my thoughts were not. So many angels at a time... My innocent eyes could not help admire them all. All of my teammates made fun of me but I did not mind. Always a drop of silence used to be there but there was not much occurring inside but a few working classes and some acting class. I was the working class by the way who tried to seek out some way of leaving for the day. It was fun time all around for a few days and on some day’s hell was home. By chance some one to be beside me and cool my eyes....hopeless.
Deliverance from life....
Unexpected entries are only in movies... well there did flash a small occurrence. Someone new in the team and the whole team got wild. I did make a statement to a few that ‘I would not say no to her but I wouldn’t say yes either’. Cute to say she was with wild eyes and a silent smile. I did want to speak with her but never actually got the time to. She came beside my cubicle and even though the whole damn body said speak, my mouth never opened. She asked for a pen to write down some number and I did give her. Even though she had open arms that invited me to get her, that time work had to be more. She gave me back my pen with a smile and a small thank you. I thought to myself ‘What an idiot you are’. But as time passed by everyone around me started talking about me and her and as usual she got angry and stopped even looking at me. A small sign was not present as though she had not known me at all. She confined herself in her own circle. Time started getting too slow without her. She was sick for a few days. Thoughts did not linger of her but my team mates made sure it hit me.
Question in life....
A marriage festivity had come by in between all the hassle and havoc. A relaxed sight seeing on the way brought me out and indulged me more on what I wanted in life. Whose marriage you ask, well the same person who consoled me for the money that I gave (and yes I still remember that money). The taxi in her place surely knew how to cut pockets. Since it was a new place I had to let some slack off. The nights stay was a long one within a short time. The next morning at about 6:30 when the cold breeze and the morning sunshine met together, I reached the marriage place. It was a small temple inside the heart of the city. I met the bride who was still wondering how the groom actually liked her. She did ask the groom previously “why me”. The answer was that he saw only beauty in character and nothing else. She herself admitted that she was lucky but I myself have now seen in life that a good heart always starts and ends with a good bliss. But the daunting thing that ran in me head was what beauty did the groom see, I may never know. Bits and thoughts of office did pass by the time all the mantras were told by the priest. I was quite enjoying the luxury provided. Needless to say the food which I ate a lot.... well I am on a diet (heavy that is).
After long hours of waiting, the reception started at night. With all the clicks and flicks of the cameras and people I did get time to hunt for women. My eyes to embrace flashed every bloody instant. She surely left a scar in me that I felt each time I admired a woman’s eye. A good thing was that I had dreams no more while sleeping. An undying love inside me rounded me off and let me out the hall