My dream at last....
As I was waiting for the bus to arrive a women sat beside me and started speaking with her friend on phone. It was surely irritating to hear her as I myself wanted some peace and quite. In the bus was again her beside my seat. I remained in the cold seat with the wind blowing over me. After two hours of non stop chatting she finally gave up on the phone and my ears relaxed as if I had come out off a war. The racket started again but the poor casualty was me this time. She started with hi and I being a not so great flirt just tried to stop the conversation. But she was bored and the only women in the bus was her and the poor person beside was me. She continued the conversation by telling where she was from and which company she was working for. I had to continue or she would have trashed me over then and there. (I have noticed but one thing. It is impossible to flirt with women without using the word ‘then’.) Time frankly flew by with a small chat. When the street light hit her face and now that I was up close I just cried. Such beauty in her eyes and my heart stopped for that one instant yet again. A red pearl in her earring, straightened hair, luscious lips and a fine woman she was alright. All that a man could ever dream off was in her. But with all the past around me haunting there was no way I fall for anyone in the world. She spoke like a child (don’t know whether she did it on purpose) and blushed for nothing. She was a weird and wild creature with her heart that spoke openly and brains that hardly worked at times. For the moment she was something like me. Before the thorny flowers could blossom, her bus stop had come. She smiled at me and went away. Her number or mail address or something I wanted to contact her but too bad I thought about as she walked passed by the footpath and the bus went away. A small note by the side of my seat was left by her. It was her company card which she left out maybe purposefully or without her knowledge but anyway I did not mind
Well the days work does not end in gild but the heart does at times. The truth, well I was falling in the same ditch which I had fallen again and again and I still wanted to, but in fact an endless pit is what I was in. A tingle in the eyes and a tear, it was as if she thought about. The mind does not stay in one place and these women are a big problem especially when they get into you head. They don’t get out.
But when dreams get in, they become a part of you. Too many dreams have been dream't I thought about and I wondered about what work I had to do in office and what should I do to get her. Her card stayed in my hand for the whole day. To make her wait would have been bad and so I did ping her mail.
I left for the day and was walking home. On the way I saw my eyes to embrace was right in front of me holding another mans arms. I went along the path unnoticed. It was as If I never existed. It was just a hunch that it was her. I knew after my friends told me in my room. A glitch in the room and the current went off. All was silent around me. I felt peaceful in the little peace that I had left in me. A call came in the middle of the night and shouted surprise. Wrong number it was. The next day a reply for the mail that I had sent and her phone number within the enclosure. I called her up and decided to meet in a nearby park. This was a new beginning in life for me or rather an adventure.
A dream in my stride....
As we strolled through the roses and sunflowers we had a long chitchat of our history, workplace and all there is to be spoken off. I thought as if it was a one day thrill but it felt in my heart that this will remain for a long time. People have to move in life and with her I felt as if the world was moving with me. She came up close to me and said well I think you are quite fun and also somewhat boring too. All that I said is thank you.
Then she did something which I actually felt to slap her as well as love her. Mixed feelings though that I had when she kissed me. She had a strawberry flavored lipstick but the sense of a touch of a woman was pretty goose bumping for a moment. I did not want her lips to go away from mine but she walked passed by strolling through again till the gate. I said goodbye but the kiss still remained on my lips. Something happened in my life for the first time and it happened in a whim. Well sure it was after I woke up in the morning but unforgotten memories were rather a part of it.
Walk alone in a crowd,
Sorrow within a smile.
Help cries out for help,
Endlessness in a while.
Human am I in all,
Ask do I myself.
Love me my dream, why?
A heart to dwell.
Said have I nothing more,
Nothing have I said?
Silence that’s all to say,
Wait till times dead.
Wish in all for you,
Dreams never come true.
A dream in my stride,
Say I Love You.
Winter was at its peak and I was having difficulty getting up in the morning. As we planned we went to a park which was famous in and around the city. It was quite easy to decide though in garden city. Thought of my little adventure I had in the night passed by my mind as we strolled through. It was not like as if in a movie we get to do the same thing that we dreamt of and it was absolutely nothing like it. There were too many probabilities to consider. The first factor to be, that I could not properly speak with her. Phone and chat conversations make life a bit easy. The most difficult part is when we do everything in reality. The slight discomfort between us made me smile all the way. By the notions she had at that time I had to speak up.
She kept out of the mess that was running in my mind and she started off with her college times. Good old days for her though where she had some wild fun that was quite a lot in a simple life. We bought some ice cream and strolled about. All of a sudden the area kind of got cold and a gloomy mist hailed over. The path was barely visible. She walked up to a bench whereas I got struck by a lamp post. She helped me through the pain for sometime by rubbing of my big head. Slowly rain drops trickled over her face and we remained on a bench staring at each others eyes for a few seconds. I never got why she should ever like me but she was all that I ever wanted to define a women as. After a few minutes the rain got heavier and we had to move out. The sky would have fallen that day I felt because this was the first time out with a woman. I held an umbrella but ice started falling rather than water. We moved to a shed in the middle of the park. The view of serene nature in action was enchanting. All the greens and roses were happy except for the ice that had my head again. Nature was trying to tell something and I could not understand what. She was quite wet and my eyes could not help looking at her. And lucky me no one was around. She knew what I was looking at (could not help it. My eyes were looking, not me) and she childishly told that she felt very shy. As soon as the rain stopped we went to the nearest main gate where I the great idiot had still not spoken to her. She said goodbye and as if the ice was not enough I felt like hitting my self with a hammer. Before she left out I was not about to lose anything anymore. I asked if she did want me to say anything before leaving. She said your silence said it all. I felt like hugging her tightly and saying I kind of like you but my body was hesitant to. No clues did she give on whether she just came about to me or what her intentions were but mixed feelings ran in me about her. I did not want my heart to break again and I did not intend to thicken the sheet of cold ice in me. The last words that uttered from my mouth for the day, was a bye with a smile. Happy was I though for an instant but a sad feeling spooked me as I waved her bye. The whole night my thoughts ran through about the park as if the moments were picture perfect.
Sorrow in life, not ever a tear to dry,
A drip in an oceans, lie.
A song in silence, mercy I beg,
A dream, that never cries.
Long is the path, I wonder insane,
Nature’s fury! A power to die.
Living with a dream, a hope, a life,
Maya, I love you, please come alive.
I went to her residence to meet her one day. It was about 8:00 in the night. We went to the balcony where it was silent and the cool breeze soothed the brain with what I had to speak. I wrote her some lines of my poem and told her I don’t care what you feel about me but I like you. She saw me with a gaze that said “why you stupid could you have not made it a bit romantic.” But her intentions were kind of the same of mine. Before the place could get more emotional I cracked some jokes that happened in the office. Don’t worry none of the jokes were mine and unfortunately none were funny. All were either that something happened in office and some were of forward mails. Good thing that she liked all of them. The half moon was perfect as it was dark enough to hide my face and glow my eyes and bright enough for her face to enlighten. She had a sweet smile over her face for the hour that we spent together. I did not mind a slap but before leaving I hugged her tightly (loose enough for her not to be in pain) closed my eyes and stayed like that for about a minute and then I said bye. She asked me to stay for a while longer but I had to go to my house which was quite far from her place. I pinched her cheeks and went away.
Stab in the back....
As I walked in the street towards my house there was some fire blazing over the street. I was out there alone and only a street light showed me a road towards the fire place. I thought it was some small fire that got sparked and I ran towards it. It was just a tin can set on fire and some people were sitting around and warming up themselves in the cold night. Before walking by them I saw a few strangers gazing towards me, as bit more like a wolf ready to hunt. I had nothing with me at that time so there was no point in trying to steal or take away something. Suddenly my body felt cold and numb and an intense pain from my back erupted like it had been torn apart. The shadow of me showed a protruding dagger behind me. I watched my back and there was no one there. Blood was flowing like a river out of the dagger and I had to reach the nearby hospital soon. I was not that far from her house so I started running towards her house. By the time I reached there I knew my body was ready to give up. I kept ringing the bell and one of her friends finally turned out. She was in shock and she started howling and shouting and woke up all her roommates. When she went to call my women she could not believe that it was true. She considered it as a prank. She partially fainted when she saw me lying in front of her house with blood splattered over my back. The last thing that I remember was getting thrown over a bed like a dead body. I opened my eyes finding myself inside a small dark room with the stench of blood that I had lost. I was able to walk up to see what was outside the window. It was raining heavily and lots of flashes of lightning were blazing around. The calendar showed a date which was three days from the incident. 72 hours was not a small time but I was alive out there. More than killing the person I felt like to thank him. I just learned something the hard way. Better watch you’re back in every step of your life. You never know what’s coming.
In the morning my parents had come and she was also there. A police report had been made and the perpetrator was caught from the fingerprints got from the dagger. He was drunk that night and it seems I was a scrape goat for him to try to poke some one. My parents were freaked out by the incident. My mother as usual was crying and she was emotionally shocked by the incident. My women’s eyes were dry as though she had cried all the tears out.
I went home after a few days and then recovered from the pain. A few days of relaxing and then I was up and running. The mark in my back made me realize that life was something more than what it seemed to be. I went back to the city where I returned to office. All asked about the injury and I had to answer every single person on whether I was well or not. This was an incident that had brought in some panic in the whole environment of my batch mates as well as the office scenarios. A mail came to all specifying people to be more careful outside the company premises. The security was tightened such that everything would be fine to a limit. All that ran through my mind that day was the feeling of me getting lifted in air at the time I got stabbed. A close encounter with life the way I took it as. Fear did not increase, but I grew stronger. I was now ready to be more daring.
My love called me up and enquired about all the things about the day and also that she had changed her house and her parents were coming to the city to be with her. They asked her to quit her job and stay in their native place but she refused so they had no other choice. I suggested her to go according to her wish. She wanted to meet me that day itself but I postponed it to a weekend.
In the same street that I walked now I saw the same beggar with the half cut leg and the same old women but I saw more than what my eyes could see. Men spying on someone, a watchman looking at every single person that enters and exits the shop, a policeman gazing through the crowd scanning his brain for a criminal to be found at sight and women in the street corner waiting for someone to take home with and this parasitic view of mine was none the less irritating. But as I walked passed by every one of them I got the feeling of free will. Societal chains were so easy to break without anyone’s concern and now nothing mattered to me. Sarcasm in an optimal environment what else can I say.
Tear of hope....
I passed by a corridor and out of nowhere was an open ground in the night. My eyes were blind but I could see a puddle. I went towards it and saw the moonlight in the reflection and I could see the stars. What light as I now said without the moon in the night? I cried the whole night for why that light not fall on my face. I died for the moment that would hurt me in life. I say live and the world said die. An inevitable purpose, a lifeless soul and a living corpse in dulls and darks of the world walking around all. I woke up in the night but the tears were real. Was she all that I ever wanted? Could life be better than what it means or was it just a dream that passed by. I had to tell her that I loved her more than what the world could ever give. The priceless procession in life was life in itself and I was glad to give to her as love.
The world in my arms....
We decided to stroll up by a shopping street the coming weekend. I got up early morning and dressed up casually and was thinking on how I was going to propose. So many thoughts and the film industry gives so many ideas that it does not make you think at all. I preferred the way I wanted it to be. Previous experiences were bad and this time I was going to be straight forward without any curves and turns. Well the only problem was the romantic part which was still in my thoughts. It would be bad to see on how love starts later when I think about it. I bought a candle which was a small ice cream glass cup with a candle. It had a heart shaped plastic and the wax was transparent and pink. The entire mood would be set right when this will be lit. I went early to the spot where we decided to meet. I waited there thinking on whether it would be a yes or no, for me it was as simple as that. She reached on time. The sun shone bright above our heads and a cool breeze blew around. Everything was so perfect. As we went by shops she bought up some chocolates for me and also she had to buy some new dresses. I was about to faint there with all those thoughts in my head. Good thing the market was crowded. After a small chat and snacks we decided to rest our legs and we went to a small park. It was about 12:00 in the afternoon under a tree in a park bench.
Out of the burst of all the emotions I said to her “There is something I want to tell you.” (Thoughts: Keestu, you forgot the romantic part. oh great) I kept the cup on the bench, lit it and just looked at her. She suddenly slapped my face asked so many questions on what was the candle about, How could I do this to her. My eyes were still looking at hers pleading for a yes, saying please love this soul of mine what do you want in life. Am I not good enough? Is something wrong with me? She still was speaking on what is wrong with you and I was heart broken over there. I smiled at her and my eyes were fully soggy. I nodded my head to say OK. She did not stop asking me hitting me with her hand on how we had gone around and what all we did together and as I was about to turn to drop my tear away my goddess touched me. Without any sign or so she came suddenly towards me. I expected another slap frankly but she hugged me right there started crying hitting my back and saying yes.
Millions of people live on earth, thousands live and die, What am I is just nothing at all to the world but at that moment the world was in my arms. That’s all I could ever think of. Years of waiting in the dark and my heart now started beating for another soul.
Moment of silence....
There was I in a dilemma of what to choose with so many choices around me. I started feeling the time move at every instant. I used to satisfy myself with a thought that death exists only when one knows about it and fear will kill a person. The only thing required is to think about it. She was completely dependent on me. So much of trust a women has for her love. Many make a bad example but she did not define me like any that I saw. I had never as such trusted anyone in life. Whenever she went out she told me indirectly when and where and she expected the same too. These women do remember ever word you say to them and they will remind you the same back. She had but humanly plans of settling down and having kids together. I was in for a shorter term thought of life and what the future might hold was left to the outright decision that I make later. Future is the only damn thing that makes life a bit worth living, for what is going to happen is in no ones hand and I did not intend to plan it either. I finally decided that of all the dreams at least one had to come true. On 27th march 2012 we decided to get married. It was a relief that one thing could be checked out in my list of things to do before the inevitable death. Between the moments that we spent some silent moments were there to say we are alive and together. We saw the moon, the morning sun and the evening life that came about every single day and we cherished each of the moments together. I had thought numerous times on whether my dreams could be accomplished at all. Personal goals had to speed up and they were my primary concern which I took more that my existence itself. Making one of my dreams come true and for all the other ones the rest of my life to complete it was a great sensational feeling of completeness. Half the way I had already paved and I was left with the rest to be done. The dream of a film that had to be completely animated and I who considered I must and will eventually be the god of animation decided to roll the dice in this sector. The masterpiece of the film was yet to be done and I was in the groove of the scenarios of every clip that will engulf the picture.
Fame and fear....
Art grows with an artist’s art. The limits of life were no more unreachable. Boundaries had been broken after the amount of money that pumped in after the film had started. With money in my mind there was a large doubt present in her mind whether I would change. Money does change a person even though he does not want to. I was rather interested at the time in fame and not money. The only head weight rather than thought was to be the God in my class.
I am god....
The life that I lived had not yet been complete. There was a single word that ran in my mind, “More”. This life must be in the minds of all till end of time. No matter what happened ones existence is not forever. This idea was in mind for a long time for this is why I felt alone in this world. Even say 200 years and no one will ever know that you existed. Something in a grand scale had to be done. I felt that my name must not be in a history book in a particular page but must be in the word history itself. God I had to become to be like that. An actor or sports person or a leader will always be for a time, a film will be till it is not watched at all, love will be between two people and never known to anyone but life will be with me and me only. One is the only one to say I am what I am designated by my parents. Only one can say I am alive and know it at the same time.
She suddenly became a spec in space for me. It was as if she was needless in all. I did not know why I started to think like this, was it because of the stab that all this was running around my mind. Suddenly an urge to become someone had arisen and my thoughts were god like and reasons unimaginable. Human as I now described with their feelings and emotions so futile, just a susceptible mass to any words that are beyond their point of understanding. The human mind only composes of stored emotions and reflexes and the behavior of each mind differs with experience and circumstances. Was it meant that I be more than that. I can write words and words till I die but it can change one life for sure, that I know.
Even though we were together I started ignoring her and giving importance to rather what I wanted in life. I was in a desperate search for something which I had never encountered or seen or felt. What is more? I asked myself all the time.
I was now under the drug of my own fame. There was no purpose anymore. All that had to be achieved was done and my mind started getting numb. The field of war was now my graveyard. I was just fighting with myself that’s all. Staying alone most of the time I did not get into much of the social aspects. Meetings, charity shows all these were to promote only the needful but I was still in need of an inspiration. I started going out to clubs and other night hang outs. I never had a drink or smoke though but I moved along with a lot of ladies. This was something not any women could stand. She used to blast me on the phone and I used to just cut the call. My mind was all mixed up not knowing what to do next. She came by to see me one day on how worse was I.
I had the world and she had me. When I was beginning to fall down the drain she could no more bare it at all. She came with a sorrowful face and a dull mood with yet to fall tears waiting in her eyes asking me if she had done something wrong. I could not bear to see the site of my goddess cry either. I tried to console her telling she had done nothing wrong and it was mixed thoughts of this psychotic brain of mine. There was nothing that can or will come in the way and that this soul of mine could die but not the love in it for you. I had to rejuvenate myself and bring back the spirit of life with all the dead hopes.
The pain ends....
Physical stress can be controlled but the mind is a complex being in itself. It thinks by its own wish sometimes. My mind did that. Well it made me forget everything. I fainted in front of her and when I woke up I could not remember anything till the incident of me hugging her in the park. It was as if everything just never happened. All the works that I had done, all the life that I lived was bleed dry. I had only one thing in my mind. Maya....
It was no more painful to me anymore of the thought that only she was there and nothing else. Yet there was something wandering around my mind saying whom or what I did not like. This thought rose to a blind spot in my eye and was thus rather a needle in the hay stack. Yet I was able to express the thought out. It was pure hate which I could never behold as a human. What thoughts were these I do not know or remember either though the dark side me once spoke.
The heat that melts, fire in the eyes,
fury of nature, nothing to despise.
Yet the ice that burns in the cold to apprise,
hate with anger with madness with lies.
Shall not thy thought burn in reality?
May die thy thought of one with animality.
Must the sky befall, through the hell of hell,
the hate in power of seas to dwell.