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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Silent Death - Part -3dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: keestu
    ASL Info:    32/male/Sydney
    Elite Ratio:    5.61 - 153/95/116
    Words: 3830
    Class/Type: Story/Longing
    Total Views: 499
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 19064



    Description:
       Moved by the wind, walking alone in a crowd, I do cry……

    People dream about someone and then discover them in reality. I saw a dream and then dreamt about her. Tears convey many things but the eyes say nothing…nothing at all… Yet a gaze of my dream who just passed right in front of me and there was I alive, but dead for a moment. Vague thoughts brought me back showing my purpose. A sting in the eye and a tear - god himself would have cried for it. Every single move with a smile on her face and a thousand lifetimes just whizzed past by. Millions of cells keep me alive but none told me what beauty is. For the first time in my life freedom of choice bound me to chains. As a matter of fact society has something called right choice. I just made the right one - in the wrong direction.
    Did you ask yourself why did you not express everything to your hearts content? I did that once in my life …well not so perfectly but I did. And I seem to be the chosen one to be watched with revulsion at each sight. After all, I am human, what’s wrong in greeting me with a smile on your face. Well questions remain unanswered but I chose my path. Some people never live alone, some detest being alone but some like me are meant to be. I knew that from the very beginning, yet my heart wanted to melt from the age old ice it has been in.
    Yet I wait smiling with a tear on my face for that one gaze that changed my life,
    ....One silent death.

    (Hope you enjoy this. Sadism is the main theme. Could not publish this in any Indian book publishers and also did not want to waste this piece of work so here it is my very first book that I wrote.)


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    dotsSilent Death - Part -3dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Inquisitive play....

    There began my normal life with not much of a thought, an underpaid salary in a sinking ship and an angel that said why I am alive. I did not search for reasons anymore rather I wanted to live a meaningful life, a life that had some purpose to be lived for. Every New Years Eve I wanted to live a proper year or in other words improve my self. This time I fell sick. Nothing is exciting when you are not well. But even with the pain I was willing to play a prank around my maya. On a busy Monday morning she was coming by to have breakfast with me. It was getting late for work but anyway I didn’t care. (As if they paid the salary that I was supposed to get) I waited for her in the hotel. Just before she came by I started flirting with a colleague of mine. My women did not know that she was my colleague and so I played it cool. The minute I saw her coming by, I kept increasing the debate that we were on about our careers. I ignored her for a while. She tried to intrude a bit but I kept avoiding her a bit. It was fun for a moment. The best part was my girl had to come beside me while I was speaking with my colleague. (Sadism, what to do, I like it that way.) She was getting frustrated and she took her revenge back. I being the most possessive being on earth could not stand her with another man. She started her flirting with someone. I just went close to her saw the person’s eyes. He understood and he went away. She started telling oh that only you can speak with anyone and not me. I just said yes. (Bad move)
    Well then I did coax her later while we went for dinner that day out. Days passed by quite fast from then. There was no question about that and every single day had been a new adventure run.

    Questionable life sentence....

    Well the day of our marriage finally had arrived and I thought what was I doing? It was either to hang myself or go to a life long prison with her. I did tell her these thoughts and she started scolding me and crying of course. (These women just need a tear drop to melt a rock. I was after all flesh.) I did not want to make her cry on the day of our marriage. The wedding was a traditional mix up, me being a person from Saurashtra living in TamilNadu and her from Kerala. Well it went well actually rather than a catastrophe that I thought it would become. Just before me completing the ceremony I went forward to tie the knot. She kept her face down so I did stop a bit until she looked at me. On one side of my brain the thoughts were oh no, your life is over, no more enjoyment while my other side told at last a dream has come true. The day was over and we went for a tour around India. I don’t know why people go to Paris and all specify that it is very romantic. Well when you have a dream that has come alive and is with you in your life I don’t see the necessity of going any place at all. But anyway we decided to go for an adventure tour rather than the candle light type. Blistering summer in the desert to frozen lakes we went around on the road all the places that we could see about.

    Rhythm of nature....

    As we went to our next destinations we watched many aspects of nature that revealed in its raw form. As I watched sand dunes flow around I felt nature was with me. Suddenly a pain in my head, some memories came back to me of all that I had done. It was unbearable as if someone had barraged within my head. I slept for a while and woke up in the middle of the night and found myself going towards home. She was beside me sound asleep. Watching her made me calm down and settle my brain a while. I never thought of what the problem was with me from that time but I do remember that I was profusely sweating while I had the pain. What kind of mortal being in me was that, trying to get out of me I may never know. It was fire enraged with hate and that is all that I remembered for that moment. I later went back to my slumber and woke up at my home town (Temple city). It was about 5:00 pm in the evening and we stepped into my parent’s house first. My mother was filled with joy to see me and my wife. My father looked with satisfied eyes as if he had finished his job. I don’t know why people think that way cause for me in life work never ends and there is nothing called death to end it for me. Well humanly feelings, what else to say. We had to get back to garden city soon to resume my job. I had asked her to quit her company if she wanted to because I was no more earning peanuts with my new job. She thought why not double incomes in the house. But I was strict in the aspect that motherly love cannot be attained in any other life time than childhood. So I wanted her to quit the minute we had a child to be born and she agreed.
    Mother the godliest form of nature. Women don’t seem to notice that this is something that a child requires very much. They are so ignorant with the societal aspect that they miss the only thing that a child will ever want in his or her childhood. Sand dunes flow with the wind but they do settle out in the middle of the desert somewhere. I was also in such a flow with all the fuss around me at work as well as at home. At work it was the boss who wanted something out of me and at home she was the boss. (I don’t know whether it is my thought only but I surely like my women to boss around me and I later say no for anything that she asks and then we fight for some time.) We had lot of fights like that. We used to settle disputes by fighting. (What better way than a debate I say.) It never got physical anyway. I was not about to hit a women like a coward for just trying to dominate. Fair trials to say, that I wanted in life.

    Redefine trauma....

    We were back on track with the busy work schedule and the harsh politics of corporate culture. I took many death defying leaps in this cesspool. One leap that had cost me the most was a woman indeed. Jealous a feeling in which a women must be envied upon. The resilient nature of women makes it an easy ground for prey to fall upon. Any one that gets trapped into the net was doomed. Over and again rules are formed for the betterment of women as a cultural and more respected form but rather it is because of some men that women are yet to be seen as an object of pleasure and not as another human being. But this is not all men’s view and when the people who want to give respect are harmed then the stage comes when women use up this advantage to their own and become more like a space void where none can survive. Environment forced me to consider this as true. Personal life also gets damaged in the process. She was someone whom I did not like rather because of her behavior and the way of her speaking to others without the conscience of how to behave. It seems she had seen me long ago and had a crush on me. (Well someone actually fell for an ugly duckling.) She tried to come closer to me in all the occasions that she could. She knew I was married and she did envy my wife as she was no less in the looks department. Her rage was visible as she approached me with the sly attitude that she had (and which all women have as an inbuilt feature in their genes). Unfortunately she was one of my team members and I had to speak with her. She did get chances with me to get along and I felt trapped with me knowing that I am falling into one. One fine day which I hoped that it never happened but it did was that she found me with my wife outside and she came just out of the mist and started speaking about where we had left out previous day. I tried really hard avoiding her but she just wouldn’t budge. The minute she noticed a slight anger in my wife’s face she went away.

    Uncertain lives....

    Good thing there was no spy camera at my desk otherwise my wife would have kept a 24hr watch on me. She knew that I was not going to betray her in any way but there was a slight feeling in her (which was quite natural to have for anyone) as I was working with a mischievous sprite around me. One fine night I had a lustrous dream about her and I thought oh no I am dead. I had to get away those thoughts of mine. Again the pain in my head burst out from no where. I could not refer to what made that pain come to life. I had already gone to the doctor and had my body scanned but nothing was wrong. Was this pain a perception of something I did not want it to appear or was it something nonexistent but felt like it was. Never did I speak about the pain to her but she anyway found about it and she told me to take some pills which I refused to. (Definition of pills for me was an addictive disease put in the human body to remove one.) I was mentally disturbed so I sought out for a calmer atmosphere. It was the job which I liked but the environment inhospitable for no reason at all. I asked for a change in location and then I was ready to settle down a bit with the witch out of the picture.

    Dreadful life....

    I woke up from this bad dream of mine full of happiness and there was I in the hospital back again. There was no one present except my mother and father. I was right where I started in life. I began a journey which never even started but I decided to end it. I remembered the pain all along but it was only pain that I knew in life. I came up back to the hospital room. My mother and father woke up and told me about the accident that I had at the garden city. The bus had toppled over and I was hit in the head. I walked up to the window and saw the same downpour of rain. All of her was a dream in my life. Nothing had come true or ever wanted to come too. My mother gave me a card that she told was found squished in my hand after my body was removed from the rubble. I walked out of the hospital silently. I cried running towards an empty road that all this was a dream I did not know where to start with. I ran into the streets to her house. I saw from outside she was standing right there but staring who I was. I lived 30 days of my life in my sleep and all was gone forever.

    Plea to live....

    I tried to speak with her and she kept ignoring me. She was afraid of me. A fear I had previously seen and I knew she would never be mine. I cried In front of her almost one day and she told she was not interested in me at all. What more could I have said or not but she used to be in my thoughts all the time. I asked her to roam around the city some place say anywhere she felt secure for a day. She refused though since anyway I was just about nobody to her. I went back to the obnoxious work environment where everything was back in the same place with no hope of anything going to happen in life. There is no life in me I thought and still think. I still sit and wonder to see why I am not happy. Is it love, which creates the drug in my brain or is it that just a soul was missing in me? I wanted to live with the sun trickled rain drops on my face and my girl with me. Was it that I was born wrong for people not to like me I do not know, but truly I was different from others? Well that’s the problem of being god, all are under you but no one is with you.

    No mans land....

    I tried to speak with her again many times. I told her that I was not as she thought about. I was in no mans land for the first time. Living in this world had made me a creep of the century and a piece of dust which just irritates the eye and with a lotus in this swamp of mine I was no where near her. My poems my words all hardly mattered to me. It was just nothing that asked for me to live. Purpose the word I lived for had gone meaningless. She was out of my life and life in itself was dead for me. Why why why am I not worth it?
    Maya is she a word a thought a doubt or an illusion. Is it that flowers looked beautiful to me because somebody told so? Was it that all I lived was for none to know but to be forgotten? Even pain did not feel anything but it was a humanly response to me. I breath and I breathed out till every breath of mine was tired of it but life kept on breathing. I told my mind that it had not fulfilled its basic purpose which was to become god and this purpose of mine was not there until I was in love.

    Moment of silence....

    I shared some moments of fury with her as she started threatening me that she would call up security if I approached her again. I never gave up though. I was literally thrown out of my workplace but I handled the situation somehow. Her perfume smelled like a million roses just took up my body and ripped it apart. The bitter taste of life was when I asked her out one day and she stared and walked away. Desperation just wasn’t the key to anything. Evasive actions were taken by me in the slumber filled garden of love. The sight or presence of me was a discomfort for her. So I tried to see her every single day without her knowledge. I used to sneak up behind trees and benches or whatever I could do to avoid her from seeing me. I was getting a little bit out of hand over here and I knew that.

    Fanatical dreams....

    I started dreaming after a very long time but the problem was she was the only person in every single dream of mine. I had nothing else in my mind running. She would come closer by to me every time in the middle of something that looked like the Grand Canyon and then she would smile a shy smile at me and go away. After that I would be searching for her everywhere and I would still be searching until I woke up. This was quite repetitive and irritating too. The problem was, I was not in control of my dream and I did not like that. When in shock I used to wake up from my bed and still look like I was searching. My room mates thought I had lost my senses which I had but never showed it to anyone. A nightmare which I was not even gifted to come true as a dream.

    Second chance....

    There was I roaming around and around her when one of her relatives or someone noticed me out. He came out of no where one day when I was peeking through and started to beat me up. Poor fellow got beaten up badly by me as I threw my life’s frustration on him. She watched as the crowd got all over and my life thirsty eyes were on her brother beating him up just as a rag doll. I just walked out of the place when he was down. Fear was in her mind whenever my face appeared. She enchanted prayers that I go away and would never come back and I watched her with all the hope that I could ever have in myself. There was no second chance after her eyes cried that day for me not to be true and there was no life in me once I saw that tear drop.

    Psychotic spree....

    To love is to live once again and I was dead. What to do was all in my mind and as I went to the hospital for my injuries that I had got I saw a little demonstration of what I was going to be like very soon. A white cloth over a body being dragged around and no one around that would cry or even care for it. I walked through the stench of sickening sights and sounds of the emergency ward watching as life was manipulated by another life as if he had the right to but mainly because he had to. Doctors worked for money. Rather than looking at to heal someone and get satisfied with the thought that a life was saved they thought about what to give to increase the bill. Underpaid or not worth the effort I can understand in that same terms as I was in my useless job underestimated, underpaid and given money like biscuits for a dog cause the dog was barking for a long time. But the thing people don’t get is when a person does not like to do something but does for the sake of doing it the work is fruitless. Here was I emotionally plundered with all the emotions that I ever had or the little bit of childish nature me was vanishing off. But even the words from my heart had no meaning as it cried as did I for a better life. Life was a war that I kept on sacrificing for just about nobody. A penny in my hand had to be earned the hard way. The cost of that penny was always known to me all the time. With all this do you expect my brain to be normal? Well I was not and I started losing myself completely. Why not ask her every single day of my life and every single moment to her that will make her mine. I went to her again straight forward (I do not know why women are like this. They come close to your heart and say a stupid word such as a friend when they very well know that the only words in my mouth would be I love you). I asked her to forget about all that happened and to keep the silence in the picture. Her relatives hired some thugs to beat me up. One against two but fifteen was a bad odd. I ran thinking that one by one they would come behind and I could get a little bit of my sweet revenge but they were only guards who roamed around with her to protect her and so they stayed around her always. Well too bad I felt sad that I got no one to beat up. I picked up a stick and just followed those thugs around and I started beating up the left out last thug. He did get quite a bang from me and so did I get something in return. I was satisfied a bit as I felt closer to her now.

    Run for life....

    Well I did not leave her, not for the reason of getting her now but to beat up all that came in my way. Only the intention of killing was not there except for all the feelings of a killer were in me and it felt good. I was crazy in the street hiding from the police whenever they appeared and then going behind her again and again until she was all alone. I had beaten up many, parallel to quenching my now blood thirsty gut feeling.

    Resurrection....

    The grueling pain had vanished once she came by to me accepting of what I was. I got a hold of the situation when the smile on her face did not smile. She held my hand and walked with me as if it was her fate to be along. Is it not true that life has its own twists and turns? One wrong bend and walking in the road of hell and heaven on the same way is true in reality. I just wanted to live in a dream that’s all. I was becoming more human as each day passed by meeting her. I did not feel the scheme that was running behind her head but I was ready to embrace death which was calling in every night’s dream. What I dreamt was no different from the changes that were going on around me. I was digging a grave and I kept on digging until before I wake up I find myself in a long pit and I see myself burying . I look down and I see a skull with a name written on it and I wake up. I did not intend to know why she was around for the time. There were no goons around her and she was so brave I admired as she walked with me every day before work. To think one is born is a feeling that one is alive. I was born again just to die this time faster.




    Submitted on 2009-01-10 20:07:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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