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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Immortal Thingsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 265
    Class/Type: Prose/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1199
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1597



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsImmortal Thingsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    When I was a child there was a porcelain doll
    She belonged to my sister
    And sat on the very top of a wooden bookcase

    Somewhere, sometime
    Someone cracked open the back of her skull, just under
    Her bonnet

    I wasnít allowed to touch her
    And the guilt that I felt
    About her
    And her fragile foggy white head
    Painted to smile
    In an offlandish way

    Once when no one was watching, they were all asleep
    Or cornered together over cookies at the table
    I went inside my sisterís bedroom
    And I climbed upon her shelf
    Leaving tiny toe tracks in the dust as I went
    I collected her
    And Oh so carefully brought her back down with me
    Cradled underneath my arms
    Withholding so much pressure
    But remaining secure
    I sat in the floor of the unlit bedroom, curtains drawn to hide the dusty rainy daylight
    And I thought I can fix her
    I turned her head over and over in my hands
    Listening to the wind chime song of thick porcelain on porcelain
    And I studied
    And had a clever idea
    Until the creaking of the door and the crack of light shed on the evidence of my crime
    And I hurried with the doll back up the bookcase
    And down again before my mother could see me
    Standing alone in the middle of a dark room that did not belong to me
    WHAT are YOU doing in here she hollered sternly
    And firmly scooted me at the small of my back
    Shutting the door behind us




    Submitted on 2009-01-11 20:17:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      
    this is an intriguing and beautifully written story that captures the innocence of childhood and a wonderful innate compassion. it was lovely to read. if you are up to publish this for a prize, then as far as the punctuation goes, i would agree with jase. however, if you just wrote it for your own pleasure, rather than for the rest of us, then the piece is yours and you keep it just the way you want! and i agree. it is lovely.
    | Posted on 2009-02-17 00:00:00 | by Alter idem | [ Reply to This ]
      this is really sweet. I can picture this exactly and nothing about the narration seems forced or awkward. This is a really great description of a childhood scene.
    | Posted on 2009-02-16 00:00:00 | by ImaginePeace | [ Reply to This ]
      I love it.

    I remember her well.

    DId this really happen?
    | Posted on 2009-01-20 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      you portray a story here deftly and with broad yet defined brushstrokes; i see this all in my mind's eye and it made me nostalgic for my own childhood, for life right now to be made simpler and essentially... less of a hassle to deal with.

    i enjoy the truth you write of here, most of all. it shines through, this realness i can almost touch.

    one little nitpick:
    "And I thought I can fix her"
    change "can" to "could" to keep it past tense like the rest of this piece? up to you, of course...

    what else to say?
    this was lovely.
    | Posted on 2009-01-19 00:00:00 | by meoww | [ Reply to This ]
      Thanks for clearing up all that stuff. Good stuff. This was good too. You captured the fear and the guilt of the child well. Hope you're well.
    | Posted on 2009-01-19 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]


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