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    dots Submission Name: a single teardots

    Author: narcolepsy
    ASL Info:    19/F/Pa
    Elite Ratio:    3.97 - 129/135/60
    Words: 166
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 707
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1051


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    dotsa single teardots

    a pretty
    girl they all
    stop and stare
    and turn their heads
    full circle want to touch
    her flesh soft and firm taste
    the health she wastes on smoke
    and drink and substances trying to
    drown out the moans of a dying man
    that haunt her conscience like echoes of
    took him for granted his folds of wrinkles
    and sweet rumbles of brown eyed girl but if
    only he knew how far she’s gone too far gone
    lonely little orphan girl he found and picked up
    wish he’d kept her in his pocket so she could fall
    asleep to his heartbeat until it breaks and they’re
    separated by test tube days and medical curtains
    bags of skin wearing thin punctured by needles
    and harsh hospital lights a soul begins to slip
    suicidal tears venture down the creases in
    his face collecting in canals and she’s
    floating what a strange dream she
    thinks and as she glides out
    of the building she sheds
    a single tear.

    Submitted on 2009-01-11 21:28:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like the visual imagery here, it's very elusive because I can't quite put my finger on it. Ha! You know my friend's grandmother writes that every year in her cards.. "Ha!"
    This is good, I like the poetic quality of it. Although, if I am honest, I feel like it's lacking sincerity up until the brown eyed bit.. it just seems like filler, you know, prostheses added in there just to make the whole thing look a little more.. um, firm? And, notwithstanding the visual aspect, I don't think the trade off is worth it, because the words just aren't saying anything. I could go on about what this poem means as a whole, but I think we can write that off as personal significance.
    bags of skin wearing thin punctured by needles
    this line was a real gem.

    Anyways, bravo. You're a poet. This is poetry.


    p.s. watch the verb tenses. You kind of switch them up in very subtle ways in the middle and it's actually not appropriate to do that.
    | Posted on 2010-01-04 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      The soul never fades away, only life. I liked it, took me a second to catch on to the the way it was supposed to flow but that's just because I have my idiot moments. I liked it though overall, some parts didn't sound right in my head but that's cool you probably had a great thought train and I just never jumped on.

    | Posted on 2009-01-12 00:00:00 | by SDodson | [ Reply to This ]

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