a single tear -------------------------------------------
girl they all
stop and stare
and turn their heads
full circle want to touch
her flesh soft and firm taste
the health she wastes on smoke
and drink and substances trying to
drown out the moans of a dying man
that haunt her conscience like echoes of
took him for granted his folds of wrinkles
and sweet rumbles of brown eyed girl but if
only he knew how far she’s gone too far gone
lonely little orphan girl he found and picked up
wish he’d kept her in his pocket so she could fall
asleep to his heartbeat until it breaks and they’re
separated by test tube days and medical curtains
bags of skin wearing thin punctured by needles
and harsh hospital lights a soul begins to slip
suicidal tears venture down the creases in
his face collecting in canals and she’s
floating what a strange dream she
thinks and as she glides out
of the building she sheds
a single tear.
I like the visual imagery here, it's very elusive because I can't quite put my finger on it. Ha! You know my friend's grandmother writes that every year in her cards.. "Ha!"
This is good, I like the poetic quality of it. Although, if I am honest, I feel like it's lacking sincerity up until the brown eyed bit.. it just seems like filler, you know, prostheses added in there just to make the whole thing look a little more.. um, firm? And, notwithstanding the visual aspect, I don't think the trade off is worth it, because the words just aren't saying anything. I could go on about what this poem means as a whole, but I think we can write that off as personal significance. bags of skin wearing thin punctured by needles
this line was a real gem.
Anyways, bravo. You're a poet. This is poetry.
p.s. watch the verb tenses. You kind of switch them up in very subtle ways in the middle and it's actually not appropriate to do that.
The soul never fades away, only life. I liked it, took me a second to catch on to the the way it was supposed to flow but that's just because I have my idiot moments. I liked it though overall, some parts didn't sound right in my head but that's cool you probably had a great thought train and I just never jumped on.