Crack the Sky by EmpathicAya

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Submission Name: Crack the Sky dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	EmpathicAya
ASL Info:	13+6/unMale/Your Mind
Elite Ratio:	7.66 - 665/396/86
Words:	114

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	118
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	1016

Description:
This is my complex than I expected it to be. Also more simple.
PS: Edited. Thanks Alia and Nan. <3

I tried to fix it.
~Azura

Crack the Sky dots

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Blood-red thunder shoots
down
toward the iris,

a white storm

to signify my second wind
from tired.

I dreamt myself to black
and stars and space,

          to tear
holes
through the dark matter.
Deeper,
       Deeper, tearing
             deeper!
My fingers bled, soaking
in white

having plunged
into
myself, to hold
my heart

and shred it into evanescent
pieces to gaze

at them,
individually and rid myself
of those reflecting you.

And having done me
no wrong, I'll toss them
in my hole,
to bury
under shoveled
stars.

Crack the sky,
to find my love again.

Submitted on 2009-01-15 03:38:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hey, there are so many stars that you can shovel them like sand. I never got told that before, thanx!

| Posted on 2009-02-20 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a unique image of how one heals a love gone wrong.
I agree that "eternity" is too vague and expansive. I heard "mystery" which is perhaps more finite and fits with the idea of your search for why the love failed.

So we plant new seed in the soil and take our chances with us.
I also find you in a place of no blaming but wanting to heal.

Nice write, lover, hope all is well.

Love,

Nan
| Posted on 2009-01-19 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]

Hope you won't mind what I'm about to do . . .

Blood-red thunder shoots
down toward
the iris,

a white storm
to signify my second wind
from tired. I dreamt

myself to black
and stars and space, to tear
holes through the dark matter.
Deeper,
Deeper, tearing deeper,

my fingers bled, soaking
in eternity, having

plunged into myself to hold
my heart and shred it

to tiny little pieces.
I gazed at them individually
to rid myself of the pieces of your
reflection.

You,
having done me no wrong,
I'll throw them into the hole
and bury them

under shoveled stars.

Crack the sky to find my love again.

There is the poem you sent me--is it the original? I'm putting it in my comment so others after me can see this version as well and compare/contrast . . . hopefully it'll help with revising and such. Honestly, what you sent me is a little tighter because its expression is more concise than the new wording found here:

My fingers bled, soaking
in eternity

having plunged
into
myself, to hold
my heart

and shred it into evanescent
pieces to gaze

at them,
individually and rid myself
of those reflecting you.

And having done me
no wrong, I'll toss them
in my hole,
to bury
under shoveled
stars.

Under twilight,
find my love again.

While it's good writing, what you sent me reflects and shatters, reflects and shatters . . . giving it the feel you were probably going for. You had also said the last line was too abrupt, that it halted the flow, but I disagree because it fits with the very nature of the write. 'Crack the sky to find my love again' is more relevant to your theme, whereas your revision seems to soften up what should be raw, in my opinion.

So, my vote is for the original piece, here in my comment. Not sure if others will agree or disagree. Guess we'll see. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide. Or a certain merging can occur in which the relevance isn't tampered with.

My only nitpick is with the word 'eternity.' Your other images are crisp and accessible. 'Eternity' is too vague and non-specific. It's not a solid image. The line would be much more resonant if you transformed 'eternity' into an image of its own (with its own characteristics)--what does it look like to you, what's your own unique metaphor for it, what should we see as clearly as you do?

Hope this helps. It's a compelling write.

Alia
| Posted on 2009-01-17 00:00:00 | by O | [ Reply to This ]
  So, I see these 'stars' and 'thunder' 'white storms' and 'dark matter' as dead thoughts inside your head whirling around and you are trying to organize them into a tidy pile. What led me to this observation is this line,
(Blood-red thunder shoots
down
toward the iris,) I saw this as the beginning of emotional thought as powerful and striking as a storm, thunder, slowly making its way to the eyes...hmmm...looking deep inside. I think the 'dark matter' would have to be Love gone wrong and ridding yourself of it. The end, "find my love again," struck me the most as the preceding words were, for me, full of anger but these 4 words showed sweet hope. Gotta love that...
| Posted on 2009-01-15 00:00:00 | by metalnymph | [ Reply to This ]

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