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    dots Submission Name: earth in transitdots

    Author: Myopic
    Elite Ratio:    2.31 - 31/58/63
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 679
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 823

       not finished

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsearth in transitdots

    The most desolate place
    in San Fransisco is a long under-
    construction mountain of earth in transit.
    on top, all flickering lights
    obey chaos' unrule, wrapping
    around periphery.
    A few steps away, water
    blanketed by a sludge sheet
    chemical smell, that some
    Jesus could use to walk on water,
    if his boots didn't get stuck.
    That bay, still as ice, wide
    enough to swallow the moon with
    its infinitetimestwo reflection of electric
    cities, streaked across its rippling physics.

    Who are all these shining blood streaming cars?
    Who are all these parked floating boats and
    down payment dockside dinners?
    And which one of them knows what this place was like
    before anyone was here?

    Submitted on 2009-01-16 06:28:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Perhaps you could say this transit the earth finds itself in is suffering from rush hour traffic slowness, nearing the point of stagnation. Who knows. You have a mistake or two, unrule namingly, by which I assume you meant unruly. I honestly think the Jesus metaphor is way overused, and the chemical veneer could've been much more grotesque. That bay, still as ice. . . this part was a little ambiguous too. Perhaps «The bay, thick in ice,» or something else of the sort. Jot. Jot.

    You could add a bit more to the periphery too, describe these people, denote their ignorance. I particularly liked the last line, which is why I think you should perhaps expound a few more from it. I feel like this San francisco you assail has so much more to say in its defense. Wasn't there a classic song that referred to that city as the place of love ? Why not play on that, enrich the poem with a few open-end references - I mean construable without knowledge of the reference itself here, by open-end.

    Jazz it up, and drop the Jesus mention. Make your own words powerful, don't use other words because they hold their own weight.

    Yup. And don't get me wrong.. there were some ups to this poem too. I liked the nature of the poem, the curious exploration of the seemingly superficial in such a way that you divulge or instigate this sense of ignorance among your readers. Are «what do we really know?» proto-type of a question. And that last line has a lot of kick in it!

    | Posted on 2009-01-16 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]

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