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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Looking for Fulldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Zai
    ASL Info:    19/m/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.67 - 45/81/63
    Words: 296
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Longing
    Total Views: 92
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1805



    Description:
       I took some stanzas from a poem I wrote a while ago that's posted 'ere (Hungry) and rewrote it into a song that I think is much better then the original poem. The first couple syllables before the seemingly random comma in the verses are meant to be said quickly, while the lyrics following in a slower beat, just fyi.

    I imagined what a guy might think about after being divorced... And this is by no means from a direct personal experience, it's the feeling of absence/loss that is.
    [Edit] fixed up the spelling error and added in some better punctuation.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLooking for Fulldots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am hungry, but my stomach is full
    I am wanting what I need so.
    Let me say this, right here, right now:
    That I need you, please dont go.

    So I, lay here alone in my bed,
    And I’m, praying for where you are.
    Then I’m, wishing that I could be there
    So then, I could show you that I care.

    [Chorus]
    Show me a sign, give me a reason,
    So that I can know.
    I’ve got a hunger growing inside me,
    For your love.
    Show me your pain, please let me know,
    I’ll take it away.
    I’ve got a hunger growing inside me,
    But my stomach’s full.

    My mind, wanders around this house,
    Searching, for what went wrong.
    I can, pray at bedside all I want,
    But I’m, hungry for something more.

    [Chorus]

    Was it the, chores that I never did,
    Or the, door that I never fixed?
    Do you, remember the night at the docks?
    Were we, hungry for something more?

    [Chorus]

    I’m praying hard, I got a reason,
    It’s this I know.
    I have a void, growing inside me.
    I’m hungry for,
    What caused you harm, this agony.
    I’ll take it away.
    I’ve got a hunger, growing inside me,
    But my stomach’s full.

    I’m praying for your love,
    I’m hungry for your pain.
    Let me be the one to take it all away.
    (said) I’m praying for your love,
    I’m hungry for your pain.
    Let me be the one to find what went astray.

    So I, lay here alone in my head.
    It’s a, king sized prayer for a twin sized bed.
    Was it, something that I did wrong?
    ‘Cause I’m, hungry for what I’ve done.

    [Chorus]




    Submitted on 2009-01-18 12:43:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      It reminds me of Hinder. And please dont bash my opinion, I am by far one of the least knowledgable music critics the world will ever have....I am know for have bad taste in music but all the music I tend to like is very upbeat and I dont care. Though I have my apetite for country music but i blame location and cultural influence on the secret love of it.

    Ive gotten off track, my bad, back to the piece.

    The songs intense longing and just the gravely flow of the piece's rhythm reminds me of Hinder. I really like it although it could use some cleaning up presentation wise. You've a spelling error in the first stanza and the need for period placement and punctuation of any sort would lead to the reader's better understanding of where pauses should be.

    O its a tad melodramatic but reasonable. I like that youve built it up from a previous show piece.

    Good luck with the endeavor,

    Ash
    | Posted on 2009-01-19 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]


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