I really think this poem could be made even punchier if you dropped the old english, especially since I don't think it's used correctly in the second line (shouldn't it just be thy?), and work on pairing these lines up to make some killer couplets. You've done that pretty well throughout, I'd just suggest pairing some of the loner lines. And get rid of the rhyme in the last two lines. Either do end rhyme through the entire thing or get rid of that one, because it distracts readers and draws attention to itself.
it starts out very rigid to me and the real flow only comes at the end. Yet thats precisely what emotion is & how its felt. seeing one close to you fall from grace not an easy thing to experience. good job kid.
I had to read it over to understand it; it's very complex...and the old english style adds to its complexity, but the meaning and style seemed much more simple the next time i read it...It's very natural, like, I can imagine the lines to be my own thoughts, coming on after the other, connected and yet standing by themselves...yes, its a very well written. However, some of the words seem...well, broken...a bit too complicated, and that gets me to concentrate on the meaning of the word instead of the poem itself. Except for that, it's dark, and that means gud. Well done Buster!
I actually think this is really deep i enjoyed reading the words you have an awesome vocabulary! Honestly i m not sure i understood it wholly, never-the-less it still left me feeling almost at a loss for life and incredibly empty inside. Nice write!