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The Line of Disgrace


Author: BusterLILblock
ASL Info:    21/F
Elite Ratio:    3.51 - 452 /270 /50
Words: 94
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1481
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 663



Description:


Its about the true loss of life, going astray. But you could take what you think of it.

I made it old style b4 it wasnt that way, ive tried to male it a little more flow but didnt work out so well..


The Line of Disgrace



A callous parting with the others
Now thy's concession has been lifted

I pleaded for thy to fade not

Though corruption leaked within the empty souls
Desire seeped beneath

Inert and idle it became
Until a gradual halt

Thy hasty affliction did not upset
There upon tacit grief struck

Claiming to see daylight
Claiming to seek an aversion

Yearning for truth

Pondering in darkness

Yet innocence is truly scarce

And so some dash and others pace
To the line of disgrace





Submitted on 2009-01-21 21:15:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I really think this poem could be made even punchier if you dropped the old english, especially since I don't think it's used correctly in the second line (shouldn't it just be thy?), and work on pairing these lines up to make some killer couplets. You've done that pretty well throughout, I'd just suggest pairing some of the loner lines. And get rid of the rhyme in the last two lines. Either do end rhyme through the entire thing or get rid of that one, because it distracts readers and draws attention to itself.

Over all, great work, keep pushing it.
| Posted on 2009-02-02 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]
  hi thanx for the comment on blank spots it doesnt say much but also saz alot

i liked yor post i like reading things that make me stop and think and i had to read it again just to see if i got the same meaning

well done and the word usage was fantastic

thanx sandman
| Posted on 2009-01-30 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
  it starts out very rigid to me and the real flow only comes at the end. Yet thats precisely what emotion is & how its felt. seeing one close to you fall from grace not an easy thing to experience. good job kid.
| Posted on 2009-01-27 00:00:00 | by geekyslacker | [ Reply to This ]
  I had to read it over to understand it; it's very complex...and the old english style adds to its complexity, but the meaning and style seemed much more simple the next time i read it...It's very natural, like, I can imagine the lines to be my own thoughts, coming on after the other, connected and yet standing by themselves...yes, its a very well written. However, some of the words seem...well, broken...a bit too complicated, and that gets me to concentrate on the meaning of the word instead of the poem itself. Except for that, it's dark, and that means gud. Well done Buster!
| Posted on 2009-01-26 00:00:00 | by TheShepard | [ Reply to This ]
  I actually think this is really deep i enjoyed reading the words you have an awesome vocabulary! Honestly i m not sure i understood it wholly, never-the-less it still left me feeling almost at a loss for life and incredibly empty inside. Nice write!
~Jess~
| Posted on 2009-01-23 00:00:00 | by gothicgirl | [ Reply to This ]
  this poem is wicked icy. i love the last lines. (=
| Posted on 2009-01-22 00:00:00 | by DaGrimReaperess | [ Reply to This ]


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